Hi Iggy.
“Hi Muppet!”
What are you doing?
“Thinking. You know that new toy Karen got for me? At first I wasn’t sure if it was a bunny or a dog, but then I realized it’s probably a bunnydog. It makes a weird noise when I chew it. I guess it’s the same noise bunnydogs make in the wild? Here, listen to this–“
Can I ask you something?
“Huh? Okay.”
Why do you like poodles so much?
“Hmm. I dunno. They’ve got the long ears, and the puffy parts, and… stuff.”
Yeah, I suppose they do. Okay.
“Why?”
No reason. Never mind.
“But you know what?”
What?
“They’re kind of foofy.”
What do you mean?
“Like, when I go on walks, I like to stick my nose in the dirt and see what’s under there, you know?”
Yeah, me too. I like to stick my whole head in the dirt if I can dig a big enough hole.
“Yeah!”
I like to eat it.
“You eat dirt?”
Yeah. And grass.
“I noticed that.”
You did?
“Yeah. It’s weird.”
It is?
“In a cool way.”
Oh. Thanks.
“Yeah. I bet a poodle wouldn’t want to stick her nose in the dirt. I bet she’d be all, ‘Oh no, I can’t get dirty, I’ve just been GROOMED.'”
Ooh, I hate the groomer!
“Me too! I can’t stand the — OHMYGOD!”
What?
“OUTSIDE!”
What?!
“PEOPLE!”
WHAT?!
“PEOPLE OUTSIDE!”
PEOPLE?!
“AAIIEEE–“
AAAAAARRRROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“–EEE– what the–?!”
Oops. Sorry.
“Muppet?”
What?
“That was awesome!”
What the hell was that noise?
“Hey Karen! That was Muppet! Isn’t it great? Hey Muppet, you know when it’s really dark out and everyone’s asleep? I like to look out the window and shriek, just in case, you know?”
You mean in case there might be people somewhere?
“Yeah.”
Muppet, Iggy’s kind of unusual, but he’s all right once you get used to him.
So Iggy, you mean you shriek at nothing in the middle of the night?
“Um… I guess so.”
You’re kidding.
“No.”
Believe me, Muppet, he’s not.
OHMYGOD! I LOVE shrieking at nothing in the middle of the night! I’m more of a howler, though, but —
Oh no.
“Yeah, that’s an awesome howl! How do you do that?”
I can show you if you want.
Oh no no no–
“Cool!”
Hey, you two, stop for a second.
“Karen! Muppet’s gonna show me how to howl!”
Well, Iggy, that should be fiercely unpleasant. Anyway, Muppet? I got the results of your DNA test.
“Why’d you do a DNA test on her?”
To see what breeds she has in her ancestry. We know she’s got Schnauzer in her, but what else?
“Well, we know she’s not a poodle.”
Huh? Oh. Okay. Yeah.
How do you know that?
‘Cause poodles are pretty.
Now, Muppet–
“Not really.”
What?
“They’re not actually pretty — they’re just foofy.”
Foofy, Iggy?
“Yeah. Not like Schnauzers. Schnauzers are pretty without being foofy. So…um… yeah, Muppet, I think it’s obvious you’ve got Schnauzer in you.”
Oh. Wow.
“I think you’re mostly Schnauzer, in fact. You’re Schnauzer in everything that matters.”
Thanks, Iggy.
Muppet, do you want to see the results?
No, that’s okay. I bet it just says I’m mostly Schnauzer.
Hmm, let me see… yep, mostly Schnauzer. You’re right, Muppet, you’re a pretty Schnauzer mix.
“Told you so! Hey Muppet, can you show me how to do that howling thing?”
Sure! Deep breath, then watch me: AAAARROOOOOOOO!
“AAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!! Wait, no, that was awful.”
Try again. AAAAARRRROOOOOOOOOOO!
“AAAGGH — no, wait, ha!”
AAAAAARRROOOOOOOOOOOO! Ha!
The Iggy Dialogues 