Hi, my name is, what?

“Hey fake poodle!”

Iggy, stop calling me that.

“Well, what’s your real name, then?”

Don’t have one.  Don’t need one.  I’m going back to the rescue.

No you’re not.

Wait, Karen, what?

You’re a good girl, and I love you very much, so at the end of the trial period I told the rescue I’m not bringing you back.  So no more rescues and no more shelters for you — this is officially your forever home, and we’re your forever family.

Aw, dammit.

“So what’s her name?”

Yeah, did you name me?

Of course I did, sweetie.

Is it a pretty name?  I hope it’s a pretty name.  Is it Lily?

No, it’s not Lily.

Is it Ariel?  I would like Ariel.

It’s not Ariel either.

Penelope?

No.

Princess?

Muppet.

Wha…?!

I named you Muppet.

Wha..?!

Muppet.

Wha…?!

It’s a sweet little name.

Wha…?!

It’s a cute name for a cute little dog.

How the — what the…?

What’s wrong?

You named me after a puppet?!

Settle down.

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Don’t you think you’re overreacting just a little bit?

You named me after a bunch of puppets on a children’s show!

Now, Muppet —

What next, are you gonna make me teach you the damned alphabet?!  

Calm down.

You’re a grown-ass woman!  How could you name me Muppet?!

“Hi Muppet!”

Shut up, Iggy!

“Muppet Muppet Muppet!”

Stop that, Iggy.

“Can I have a poodle?”

No.

“Then I’m not stopping.  Muppet Muppet Muppet Muppet!”

Shut up!

Aw, Muppet, don’t crawl back under the — okay.


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In which Iggy looks a gift poodle in the mouth, among other places.

“Hey poodle!  Poodle?  Excuse me?  Hello?  Poodle?”

Who?  Poodle?  Oh, right, that’s me.  Hello.  Yes.  I’m a poodle.  Hello.

“How come you don’t have long poodle ears?”

Um… I’m rare?

“And you don’t have a poofy butt.”

A what?  Wow, okay.  No, I don’t.  Rare, remember?  

“And the wrong bits are shaved–“

Okay, yeah, you know what, you’re really weird, and I’m not a poodle, so stop talking about whatever bits of mine are shaved, okay?

“A HA!  BUSTED!”

What’s going on in here?

He’s really weird.

“Karen, you lied!  She’s not a poodle!”

In fairness, Iggy, neither are you.

Yeah!

“I’m better than a poodle.  I’m a Schnauzer, I’ll have you know.”

So is she, Iggy.

“She’s a Schnauzer?”

Well, a Schnauzer mix.

“What’s she mixed with?  Bill the Cat?”

Iggy!

“Look!”



That’s not nice, Iggy.

Okay, wow, wait, he’s a Schnauzer?

He is.

Oh.

What’s wrong?

I was hoping for a German Shepherd.

What?

Yeah, I told them at the rescue, if I had to live with a boy dog, I wanted a German Shepherd.

Well, Schnauzers are nice.  You’re a Schnauzer–

“MIX!”

Yes, Iggy.  She’s a very pretty Schnauzer mix.  Be nice.

They said he was a German Shepherd.  

Who did?

The rescue, when you walked in with him. 

He doesn’t look anything like a German Shepherd.

That’s what I told them.

And what did they say?

He’s rare.

Oh.

This is disappointing.

I’m sorry you feel that way.

“Imagine how I feel!”

Stop, Iggy.

Do I have to stay here?

Well, the rescue has us doing a five-day trial period, but I hope that–

Five days?  I can do that.  Let me know when it’s up.

“Five days?  Oh no, that’s a whole year!”

It’ll certainly feel like it.

Aw, sweetie, is there anything I can do to make you feel better about being here?

Yes.  Get a German Shepherd.

We aren’t getting a German Shepherd.

Whatever.  I’ll be over here.  Let me know when the five days are up.

Wonderful.




A surprise for Iggy.

“What are we doing here?” 

It’s a surprise, Iggy. 

“Steak! It’s steak!” 

It’s not steak. 

“Treats?” 

No. 

“Can I eat it?” 

No. Now hush. 

“Phooey.” 

I need you to get in the back seat. 

“Why?” 

I told you, it’s a surprise. 

“Fine.” 

Okay, here we go. Surprise! 

Hello

“AAAAAAGGGGHHH! A POODLE!” 

Iggy– 

“A POODLE!” 

She’s– 

“AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH! I GOT A POODLE!” 

Yeah, okay. You got a poodle. You know what, Iggy, try to calm down while we drive home, okay?

“I’M PERFECTLY CALM!” 

Great. 

“HI POODLE!”  

But I– 

Just go with it.

If you say so. 

Iggy offers comfort.

“You met her in a shelter?”

I did, yes.

“That’s a really nice first impression to make.”

What do you mean?

“The first thing she learned about you was that you’d be there to save her if you could.”

Couldn’t save her this time.

“You don’t have to every time.  It’s enough that you were there.”

You think so?

“Oh yeah.”

Iggy?

“Yes?”

Why are you pawing at my head? 

“I’d be scratching your ear if you’d just hold still.  Ear scratches make everything better.” 

I’m sorry, Iggy. Humans are different.  

“Oh.” 

Thanks anyway.

 

PHOEBE
 
The World’s Most Affectionate Cat
 
c. April 1, 2000-May 20, 2015

 

Iggy, persistent.

“KAREN!  KAREN!  KAREN!  KAREN!”

Iggy, I’m sitting right next to you.

“THAT’S NICE!  KAREN!  KAREN!  KAREN!”

So you don’t have to keep shouting at me.  

“KA– oh.”

So what did you want?

“Huh?”

What did you want?

“Oh!  Um… nothing.”

Okay, then.

“Wait, no!  I did want something!”

You did?

“Yeah.”

What is it?

“What is what?”

What did you want, Iggy?

“Oh.  I dunno.”

Great.

“WAIT!  KAREN!”

Stop shouting.

“I have an idea!”

Okay.

“Yeah!  It’s a really good idea, too!”

Great.

“Yeah!”

Iggy?

“What?”

What’s the idea?

“What?  Oh.  Poodles!”

You’re not getting–

“No, no, no, I’m not asking for a poodle.  I just want poodle pictures!”

Pictures?  Hmm.  You know something, Iggy?  I’m okay with that.  I tell you what, if you do well in your obedience classes, I’ll print you a bunch of poodle pictures.

“Well, no.  I’d ask the poodles themselves.”

Why?

“It’s just better if the poodles themselves send me the pictures.  And… um… videos.”

I don’t like this–

“I’d set up a website.”

Iggy–

“PoodleHub.”

No.

“Damn.”