And how was your day?

“Hi Karen!”

Well, hello, Iggy!

“Welcome home!”

Thank you! 

“Know what I did today?”

What did you do today? 

“Nothing! Oh, wait, I stuck out my tongue.”

You did? 

“Oh, no, hang on, that’s what I’m doing now. I didn’t do that before. I forgot what I did before.”

That’s okay, Iggy. 

“But yeah, probably nothing much.”

That’s fine, as long as you had a nice day.

“Yeah.  It was nice.”

Good for you!  Who’s a happy Iggy?

“Me!  I’m a happy Iggy!”

Yes you are!  Good boy!  

“And I definitely didn’t chew the coffee table!”

Good Ig– wait, what? 

“I didn’t chew the coffee table.  Um… that was… um… Brian.”

You know it wasn’t me, Iggy.

“LA LA LA LA BRIAN WE CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA!”

Iggy, stop that.  I heard Brian just fine.

“No you didn’t.  Heard who?”

Wonderful.

“Happy Iggy!”

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Perspective.

“Oh, no.  Oh, no, no, no, no.”

Iggy?  

“No no no no no no no no no–”

What?  

“Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod no no no this is all wrong no no no no–”

What, Iggy?  What is it??  

“EVERYTHING’S SIDEWAYS!!!

Oh, Christ.  Iggy, turn your head.

“IT’S TOO TERRIFYING!  I CAN’T LOOK AWAY!”

No, I meant–

“WHAT I’VE SEEN CAN’T BE UNSEEN!”

Forget it.

“COME BACK!  I’M SUFFERING HERE — oh.”

 

Fearsome Watchdog.

“AAAAAAAGGGHHH!!”

What the —

“AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!! AAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!”

Iggy! What’s going on? It’s three in the morning!

“AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!! AAAARRROOOOOOOO!!!!”

What?!

“OUT THERE! AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!”

Is someone outside?

“AAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!”

Iggy! Did you see someone outside?!

“MAYBE!!!!!!!”

Maybe?

“YES!!!! MAYBE!!!! YES!!!  OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD–”

Oh no. Okay, I’ll call the police —

“I MEAN, NOT RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!! BUT STILL!!!! AAAAARRROOOOOOO!!”

Wait, is there someone outside or not?

“POSSIBLY!!!”

What do you mean, possibly?

“I MEAN IT’S WITHIN THE REALM OF MATHEMATICAL PROBABILITY THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW!!!!!”

Oh, for the love of — someone on our property?

“NOT NECESSARILY!!!!”

Ugh.  Of course not.  Iggy, if not our property, then where?

“SOMEWHERE!!!!!”

You’re shrieking because there’s someone somewhere.

“YES!!! AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! PEOPLE!!! IN… IN PLACES!!! PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!!”

I’m going back to bed.

“GOOD NIGHT, KAREN!!!!!”

Good night, Iggy.

“SLEEP WELL!!!!”

No, probably not.

“PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!! AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!