Return of the Son of Iggy, Ungr– ah, never mind.

“Hey Karen?”

Not now, Iggy.  I have to list 15 blogs for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.

“Can’t.”

Well yeah, it’s difficult to narrow down, but it’s not impossible —  

“No, you can’t ‘cause I wanna go outside.”

You can wait a little while.

“No!”

Excuse me, did you just say no?

“Gotta pee.”

Oh. Okay. Where’s your leash?

“Where you left it.”

You know, other dogs, when they have to go out, go get the leash and bring it to whoever is going to walk them.

Why?

Well, it’s a nice thing to do. Plus it tells the person when the dog needs to be walked.

“I already tell you when I need to be walked.”

Yes. By getting hysterical and scratching everything in sight. I was hoping you could find a way that would do less damage. Just to save me money.

“My way works.”

Other ways work too.

“Sure! Like peeing on the carpet. I mean, I don’t think scratching smells as much, but if you prefer –”

Never mind.  Come on.

“Nice day for it.”

Hurry up, Iggy — I need to get back inside and come up with that list.

“Fine, I’m done.  Wait a minute –”

What?

“Well, hello, little mousedog!”

Yip yip yip yip yip!

 Oh, no, Iggy, don’t start with the neighbor’s dog.

“It’s not a dog — it’s a barking hamster!”  

Yip yip yip yip yip!

Yip yip yip yip yip! 

“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me!”

“What, is there a nest of you freaks in a drainpipe or something? Do I need to put out traps?”

Yip yip yip yip yip!

“Hang on, are you snarling? WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT? Those aren’t teeth!”

Yip yip yip yip yip!

Iggy, come on, we’re going home now. 

“Seriously, my groomer has nastier weapons than those teeth, and the only thing she ends up doing to me is making me smell like flowers!”

COME, Iggy.  Right NOW!

“Fine.  By the way, Karen, we gotta talk about that thing with the groomer and the smells. It’s ‘therapy dog,’ not ‘aromatherapy dog.'”

Oh, do you want to be a therapy dog?

“No. Your issues are your problem.”

It’s not that kind of therapy.

“Don’t care. Can you please do something about that groomer about her smells?”

Hey, I don’t like it either. It’s just a whole new way for you to give me a headache.

“Hey!”

Now go sit quietly while I give people the list of bloggers that I’m nominating for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.

“Fine.”

Hello, readers.  During my walk with Iggy it occurred to me that 15 links is a lot not only for me, but for you.  I’m going to link to blogs that I enjoy and that I hope you enjoy as well, but it’s pretty difficult for you to sit back and enjoy them if you get over a dozen thrown at you all at once.  So instead, I’m going to do five per day over three days, so you have time to check out all of the blogs. 

“Wow!  You can rationalize laziness like no human I’ve ever seen!”

Damned right, Iggy!  Anyway, readers, here are the first five, in no particular order.  Some of them have been nominated in the past, but not by me, so I think it still counts.

The Indecisive Eejit.  Because her blog isn’t so much a blog as a party, and she’s the best party hostess on the Interwebs.

Ben’s Bitter Blog.  Every post is a new way to view things negatively, and he inspired me to be ashamed to have seen Gravity.  

The Mental Mama.  A bit about life, a bit about work, a bit about the ups and downs of relationships, a bit about living with bipolar disorder, and a whole lot of humor.

Days and Months.  I love reading blogs kept by people who live far away, and seeing their countries through their eyes.  Days and Months is by Karen Gosper in New South Wales, who is working on her photography skills, and treating us to the gorgeous results. 

Forgotten NZ.  In the same vein as Days and Months, but she photographs abandoned and forgotten structures in New Zealand.

Five more tomorrow.

“You’re milking this award thing so you don’t have to think of new stuff to post every day, aren’t you?”

Yes, Iggy, I am.  What a smart boy!

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Iggy, Ungrateful Part II

“Hi, reader people! Iggy here! Karen’s cleaning up the kitchen from yesterday, so I’m handing the blog today.”

No you’re not, Iggy! I told you I’m doing it tonight, after I get rid of the remains your failed Squeakymeat prototype.  You go lay down until I’m done.

“Oh, all right.” 

Good boy.  I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.

“Yeah, reader people, she’ll be a while. So anyway, Donna at MyOBT nominated The Iggy Dialogues for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award. There are some rules we have to follow, and I’m going to handle that while Karen’s fixing everything the kitchen.”

Iggy, what are you doing?

“Nothing! Just hanging in the living room, laying on my bed!”

Good boy! Stay there for now – I can’t clean this stuff off of the wall until I figure out what it is.

“Yep! Anyway, reader people, according to this list, there are five things I have to do. Hmmm… okay, it says here that first, I have to thank and link to the amazing person who nominated us. Okay: thank you, Donna, for your award which contains nothing edible at all and doesn’t even make squeaky noises but Karen says I’m being ungrateful so I’ll stop pointing that out. And the link is above. Okay, got that done.

“Second, I have to list the rules and display the award. Hmm. That’s really second and third, isn’t it? No matter. Anyway, we’re in the middle of the list now so that part will be done soon enough. And here’s the award. See? I’m inspiring!”

Hey, Iggy? Why is the inside of the stove all sticky?

“I dunno! Anyway, reader people, it says the third rule is that I have to tell you seven facts about myself. I’ll do those in a minute. The fourth is that I have to… hmmm… nominate 15 bloggers and comment on their blogs to let them know they’re nominated. Um… I can’t count that high, so Karen will have do to that.”

Iggy, did you just say I have to do something?

“What?! No! Um… yeah! I’m not allowed to get up from my bed yet ‘cause you told me to stay, so you have to say when I can get up!”

That’s right, Iggy. And can you tell me how the hell you managed to block the entire air conditioning duct?

“Something spilled! Sorry!”

Spilled? It’s a solid!

“It wasn’t when I mixed it!”

Great. That’s helpful.

“Okay, seven facts about myself:

  • “I was going through a long-haired hippie phase when I first met Karen at the rescue.”

  • “I can write haikus off the top of my head. Here’s one about the award.”

I inspire, yet I
Am not given any meat
Or squeaky things. Why?

Iggy, did you just rattle off a haiku complaining about the Very Inspiring Blogger Award? What did I tell you about being ungrateful?

“Sorry!”

Are you staying on your bed?

“Yes!”

Okay.

  • “People think I look like a movie star.”

  • “I’m a very serious schnauzer.”

  • “I am SEX-AY. Hello, ladies!”

  • “I think Joan Jett is starting to look like Liza Minnelli.”

“And the final thing about me is that I probably can’t count to seven, although I’ve never tried. So now the last rule left to follow is to proudly display the award logo on the blog and follow the blogger who nominated us. Hmm. Karen should display the award later when she does the 15 links, ‘cause we’re not finished with the rules yet and it wouldn’t be nice to show off an award we haven’t earned yet even if there’s no meat or squeakiness involved but that’s okay I’m not complaining. Hey Karen? Are you following MyOBT?”

Yes, I am. Why?

“Well, she gave us that award and stuff.”

I know. I was already following her, though. Anyone who likes The Wailing Jennys must be followed. Now Iggy, you have to stay on your bed for a while longer — I need to go get a chisel for the dishwasher.  We won’t be doing anything with the blog tonight — I’ll handle the Inspiring Blogger Award thing tomorrow.

“Okay! I’m not posting anything!”

Good boy!

“HEE!”

 

Iggy, ungrateful.

Iggy, guess what?

“What?”

We got nominated for an award!

“We did? Oh boy! What kind of award?”

A Very Inspiring Blogger Award!

“Oh boy oh boy oh boy!”

Yep, I knew you’d be excited! Who’s a happy Iggy?

“ME! I’m a happy Iggy! Does it come with steak?!”

What? Well, no.

“Oh. That sucks. Awards should come with steak.”

Now, Iggy, that’s not very nice of you. This came from the wonderful Donna at MyOBT, who was very kind to nominate us. “OBT” stands for One Beautiful Thing — she posts one thing per day that she finds beautiful, and she’s got a great eye.  From her About page:  

I began to wonder what would happen if I committed to spend every day looking for at least one beautiful thing?

Okay, that excerpt makes it sound sappy and trite, but it’s most definitely not.  Readers, do yourselves a favor and go check it out.  Also, her About page also quotes Tim Minchin, so for that alone she totally rocks.  

“She can’t rock that much if she’s not giving me any steak.”

Stop that, Iggy.  Anyway, the Very Inspiring Blogger Award is given to bloggers who inspire, of course — whether it’s with stories of survival against overwhelming odds, or things that seem small but still brighten your day for having read them, or —

“Does it squeak, at least? That would at least be amusing for a little while.”

It doesn’t squeak. It’s not a toy.

“That sucks!”

Cut that out.  Anyway, I especially like the pay-it-forward aspect —

“You know what would be a great award?”

Quiet, Iggy.  As I was saying —

“Squeaky steak.”

— there are some rules we have to —

“I’ll carry it around squeezing it in my jaws and it’ll make fun squeaky noises. Then I’ll eat it.  ‘Cause it’s meat.”

Pay attention, Iggy. There are some rules —

“Can you at least buy me a squeaky steak when you’re done here?”

There’s no such thing. Now, the rules of the award are that —

“Well, that’s a market vacuum right there.”

— we have to list — wait, what?

“Squeaky steak should exist. Squeaky steak doesn’t exist. Ergo, market vacuum.”

Fine, there’s a market vacuum. Anyway, I have to list 15 —

“We could make it ourselves. And sell it!”

What are you talking about?

“We could advertise it. Iggy’s Squeaksteaks – Play With Your Food!”

Fine, we’ll talk about it later. So, the award —

“Squeakymeat – The Meat that Squeaks!”

Quiet.

“Bouncy Beef!”

Can I finish here?

“Sure. You tell everyone about the award. I’ll be in the kitchen working on a prototype.”

Thank you. The rules of the “Very Inspiring–“

The schnauzer inspires me.

Oh, hello, Elwood. Why don’t you come here and tell everyone what he inspires in you?

Homicidal bloodlust.

Okay, I don’t think that’s —

Look, human.  I have a minion now.

 

Oh, wonderful.  Wait a minute — Iggy, where did you run off to?

“I’m in the kitchen! Hey, are you gonna eat any of this?!”

Oh, shit —

“‘Cause it’s really good!”

Well, I can see today isn’t a good day for this. I’m afraid we’ll have to do the award thing tomorrow, after I clean up the mess here.  (Is there a blog award that offers a mop, a couple of buckets, and maybe a hazmat suit?  No?  Just checking.)  

Oh, if only.

“Oh… wow.”

“Hmm.  Okay, then.  Um… wow.”

Iggy?

“Yeah, okay… wow.”

You okay, Iggy?

“FINE!  Fine.  Okay.  Yeah.  Just fine.”

All right.

“Yeah.  Um… yeah.  Wow.  Yeah…”

“Yeeeaaaaaaahhh… wow.”

What?

“NOTHING!  Fine!  I’m fine!”

Okay. 

“Yep, yep, yep.  Fine.  Um… oh boy, wow… yeah… wow… okay… yeah… hmmmph… hoo boy… oh boy oh boy oh boy…” 

Iggy —

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN I HAVE A SNACK!!!”

Sorry, Iggy.  That’s human food.

“I KNEW THAT!” 

Good boy.

“AAAAGGGHHH. Wow.”

Iggy, tormented.

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god –”

“– oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god –” 

 “– why why why why why why why why –”

“– why why why why why why why why why why why –”

“– WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY –”

“You know, a dog is a living thing.”

Okay —

“I’m not a toy boat for you to throw in the tub whenever you feel like it!”

Relax, Iggy —

“I could have died!”

No, you couldn’t have.

“Well, I think I at least deserve a treat.”

Of course you do.  Would you like a Milk Bone?  

“I would like a goddamn side of beef, is what I would like.”

 

You’ll get a Milk Bone.

“I don’t want a — MILK BONE MILK BONE MILK BONE GIMME GIMME GIMME!”

Good boy.

“Okay, yeah, that was embarrassing just now.”

Loyalty, Iggy style.

“I’ll be right here waiting for you until you come home. 

“Or until I get bored with licking the window and decide to chase the cats and bark at the top of my lungs at them until they play with me or let me lick their entire heads or something. Although those sofa cushions look kind of tasty, so I might just nibble on one of those for a while. 

“But I’ll be here, is my point.”

 

Cross-posted from So Many Feebs.

Said Sisyphus, “At least I don’t have pets.”

Hello, Phoebe!  How’s my pretty kitty —

Don’t give me that.  Do you know what your dog did today?

“Nothing!  I swear!”

I’ll have you know he left a mangled cat near our toy box.

A what?!

A MANGLED CAT.  He mangled a cat and left it near our toy box.  He muttered something about ‘sending a message.’

“Did not!

Iggy —

“I didn’t!”

You did!

“I did, a little, yes.”

Okay.  Phoebe, it’s not a real cat, it’s a toy.  Iggy, stay away from the cats’ toy box.  There — solved.

Fine.

 “But Karen, the cats are mean to me.”

Because you keep sticking your nose in their butts.

“Oh.  All right.  I won’t do it anymore –”

Good —

“– today.”

We’re going to do this all over again tomorrow, aren’t we?

“Probably.”

Iggy tries.

Hi, readers. Iggy’s chewing on a rawhide bone, and that’s going to keep him busy for a while, so I thought that I’d switch things up today and tell you a bit about myself.

I work for a technology company. I don’t mind it — in fact, they recently started letting me work from home a couple of days a week. One of the advantages to that is that come lunch hour, if you’re feeling sleep deprived like I am today, there’s nothing stopping you from laying back on the couch, pulling a light blanket over you, and —

“‘Scuse me? Karen?”
20140723-174959.jpg
Yes, Iggy?

“I wrote you a poem.”

You did?

“Uh huh. ‘Cause you’re really special and nice and stuff. Wanna hear it?”

Sure.

“Okay. It’s called I Love You A Lot.”

Iggy, you say that about everybody.

“But this is different! You’re the bestest person in the world!”

Aw, Iggy, you really feel that way?

“Uh huh! Can I sit with you and read you my poem?”

Of course.
20140723-175701.jpg

“Okay. A haiku. I Love You A Lot, by Iggy. Me.”

I love you a lot
You give me warmth and safety
You give me your couch.

20140723-175809.jpg

Oh, no you don’t. Nice try, Iggy. Get off the blanket.

“HEE HEE!”
20140723-181056.jpg

Okay, you’re just being creepy now. Get down.

“Heh. Okay.”

Gangsta Schnauza. Sort of.

Yo! M.C. Iggy in the HOUSE, y’all! Let me see ya jump up on the couch! Wag those tails in the air! Yeah…

All the sucka mutts runnin’ from me every night

‘Cause I don’t bark, baby, I’m just gonna bite

Well, okay, then. You go on with your bad self.

I just look at my toy and I make it squeak

All the hydrants thank me when I take a leak

Oh, great. Stay classy, Iggy.

All the kitties cry for mommy when they see me comin’

I’m the —

Excuse me?
20140722-190603.jpg
“Ohshit — WELL! HI, ELWOOD!”

Hello schnauzer.

“Um… hmmm… oh boy. Um… okay. Psst, Karen — is he still there?”

Yes, schnauzer. I’m still here.
20140722-191647.jpg
“Ohmygod he is, isn’t he. Yeah. Um… Karen? I’m kinda worried now? You know, just a little bit?”
20140722-192104.jpg
Okay, stop it, Elwood.

Fine, human. I’d hate for the schnauzer to wet the couch. Goodbye.

“Is he gone?”

He’s gone. You okay?

“Um… kind of?”

Would you like your squeaky elephant?

“Yes, please.”

Here you go. Feel better now?

“Yeff.”
20140722-192920.jpg
“I’m ftill M. Fee Iggy, oo know.”

I know.

“Ganffta.”

Of course you are.

This is why communication is important to a good marriage.

“Okay, Brian, I think the cats are in the other room.”
20140721-172200.jpg

“Yep, the coast is clear. Hit ‘play’! Oh boy oh boy oh boy this is gonna be so great oh boy oh boy here it comes –”

20140721-172211.jpg

Let it goooo! Let it goooooo!
And I’ll rise like the break of daaaaawn!
Let it go! Let it gooooo!
That perfect girl is gonnnne!
Here I staaaand! In the light of daaaay!!
Let the storm rage oooooonnnnnn!!

20140721-172223.jpg

THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY!!! YEAH! You GO, Elsa!!!

20140721-172253.jpg

“Oh. Um. Hi, Karen.”

20140721-172301.jpg
Please excuse me, readers. Clearly I need to have a talk with my husband about indulging Iggy. Again.

(I feel compelled to add this for the three people in the known universe who don’t recognize the song. I understand Disney’s being pretty lenient about copyright with things like this, but just in case: the song is from the Walt Disney animated film Frozen, it’s called Let It Go, and I DIDN’T WRITE IT! I DIDN’T! There. That oughta hold ’em.)