Muppet, Iggy’s accidental muse.

“Hey Karen!”

Yes, Iggy?

“I wrote a poem for Muppet.”

You did?

“Yeah, I was watching her sleep, and I was inspired.”

Well, that’s very sweet.

Sure, if by ‘sweet’ you mean really weird and just a little bit creepy.

Now, Muppet, he’s making an effort.  Let’s give him a chance.  Iggy, why don’t you read us your poem?

“Okay!”  

O Muppet
by Iggy 

O Muppet, fur unruly, 
A Schnauzer, a Yorkie, a mix, asleep 
With your leg in the air 
Like a fainting goat in the night. 
A Schnauzer, a Yorkie, a mix, a mess 
O Muppet, will you be groomed 
Like, ever?


Ugh. You see what I have to put up with?

That wasn’t very nice, Iggy.

“I’m just wondering what’s up with her fur, that’s all!”

She’s going to the groomer next week.

“She is?”

Oh no. I am?

Yes.

Oh.  Wow.  I really don’t like it here.

Aw, Muppet, don’t hide under the — yeah, okay.

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Iggy comforts the afflicted.

“Hey Karen!”

What, Iggy?

“Hey Karen!  Hey Karen!  Hey Karen!”

Ugh.  Dot dow, Iggy.

“I wrote you a poem!  Wanna read it to you!”

I cad’t wait to hear it.

“Okay, here goes!”

For My Human, Not Dewormed
by Iggy 

Poor Karen, sickly,
visible suffering, pain —
don’t care.  Wanna play. 

Well, that’s about what I expected.  Ad I dod’t deed to be deworbed.

“How do you know?  Have you been checked for worms?”

Doh, I haved’t.  But–

How about distemper?  Did you get a distemper shot this year?

I dod’t deed a–

“Then you could be all sorts of sick!”

It’s just a–

“We might have to put you down.”

What?  You dod’t have to put–

“It’s the most humane thing.  Look at you, suffering like that.  Breaks my heart.”

It’s just a cold.

“Could be rabies, or–”

It’s dot rabies!  It’s dot distebper, or worbs, or bordatella–

“Ooh, I like bordatella!”

What?

“Yeah!  Some bordatella in a white wine sauce, served with calamari and–”

Bordatella is keddel cough.

“What?”

Keddel cough!   You rebebber, you had it whed we adopted you — ow, by head.  Ugh.

“Oh, you’re getting worse.  I’ll call the vet.”

Seriously, Iggy?

“Oh, wait, I don’t know how.  You’ll have to call.  Just tell him it’s time.”

Doh!  I ab dot callig the vet.  I just deed sleep.

“Okay.  We’ll give it one more day.”

Thagk you.

“Karen?”

What?

“Wanna play!”

I’b sick, Iggy!  Leave be alode!

“Okay.”

Thagk you.

“Wanna play!”

 You doh what?  Just have be put dowd dow.

Iggy suffers an unforeseen, tragic side effect.

Sadly, during his heartworm treatment, Iggy went country.

Wormy Heart, by Iggy

I was a schnauzer
And she was my gal
Then one day she got in his truck
They drove away
She’s stayed gone to this day
And now I’m a miserable f–

Whoa there, language, Iggy!

She left me a note
And in it she wrote
The reasons she felt we must part
‘Your drinking, carousing,
‘Your barking and schnauzing
‘But mostly your cold, wormy heart.’

Schnauzing?

“Yeah. I’m a Schnauzer. We schnauze.”

You schnauze?

“Yep.”

Schnauze.

“Schnauze.”

You’re making that up.

“Kind of, yeah.”

Go rest in your crate. Meanwhile, I’ll call the vet and see if there’s anything he can prescribe that’ll prevent any more outbursts of country, because that was terrifying just now.

Iggy tries.

Hi, readers. Iggy’s chewing on a rawhide bone, and that’s going to keep him busy for a while, so I thought that I’d switch things up today and tell you a bit about myself.

I work for a technology company. I don’t mind it — in fact, they recently started letting me work from home a couple of days a week. One of the advantages to that is that come lunch hour, if you’re feeling sleep deprived like I am today, there’s nothing stopping you from laying back on the couch, pulling a light blanket over you, and —

“‘Scuse me? Karen?”
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Yes, Iggy?

“I wrote you a poem.”

You did?

“Uh huh. ‘Cause you’re really special and nice and stuff. Wanna hear it?”

Sure.

“Okay. It’s called I Love You A Lot.”

Iggy, you say that about everybody.

“But this is different! You’re the bestest person in the world!”

Aw, Iggy, you really feel that way?

“Uh huh! Can I sit with you and read you my poem?”

Of course.
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“Okay. A haiku. I Love You A Lot, by Iggy. Me.”

I love you a lot
You give me warmth and safety
You give me your couch.

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Oh, no you don’t. Nice try, Iggy. Get off the blanket.

“HEE HEE!”
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Okay, you’re just being creepy now. Get down.

“Heh. Okay.”

Haiku explorations.

Cats
by Iggy

O! Cat — you’re no fun.
May I please lick your back? No!
Cat — you are no fun.

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That was very… interesting, Iggy.

“I have another one!”

Uh oh —

Dogs
by Iggy

Dogs. They’re better than
cats. Dogs are fun and nice too
I can lick dogs’ backs.

Great. Now can we —

“Wait, I’ve got more!”

Cat, You Really Suck
by Iggy

Cat, you really suck.
I mean it — you really suck.
You really suck, cat.

Now, Iggy —

Hey, I’ve got one! There once was a dog from Nantucket

Stop it, Elwood.

Clearly this was a bad idea.