A very Iggy Thanksgiving.

“What’s with all that food you put out that I can’t have?”

It’s Thanksgiving.

“Wasn’t it Thanksgiving last year?”

It’s every year.

“Why?”

So people can take a day to step back and think about all the things they’re thankful for.

“Oh. Like what?”

Well, I’m thankful for you. I’m very happy that we found you at the rescue and were able to bring you home to live with us.

“That’s nice.”

What are you thankful for?

“Ohhhhh, I dunno. There’s just so much! But I think I’d have to say I’m most thankful for my balls. Oh, WAIT.”

Iggy, we explained that.

“Oh, you EXPLAINED. Well, that’s okay, then.”

Iggy —

“I’M THANKFUL YOU EXPLAINED THE WHOLE SNIPPING-MY-BALLS THING!”

Aside from that.

“NOTHING! Oh, hang on — I’m thankful I have easy access to tasty acorns.”

What?

“Nature’s chew toys. And they’re snacks!”

Iggy, what did I tell you about eating acorns? You know they make you sick!

“Sorry. Forgot. Um… uh oh.”

What, Iggy?

“Um… urp…”

You ate acorns, didn’t you?

Urp. BLLUUUUURRGH.”

Oh, yuck.

“I guess you’re not thankful for a clean carpet anymore, huh. Sorry about that–”

It’s okay, Iggy–

“–just like you’re sorry ABOUT MY BALLS!”

Iggy–

“Go away, I’m sick.”

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Ugh. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

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Iggy tries.

Hi, readers. Iggy’s chewing on a rawhide bone, and that’s going to keep him busy for a while, so I thought that I’d switch things up today and tell you a bit about myself.

I work for a technology company. I don’t mind it — in fact, they recently started letting me work from home a couple of days a week. One of the advantages to that is that come lunch hour, if you’re feeling sleep deprived like I am today, there’s nothing stopping you from laying back on the couch, pulling a light blanket over you, and —

“‘Scuse me? Karen?”
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Yes, Iggy?

“I wrote you a poem.”

You did?

“Uh huh. ‘Cause you’re really special and nice and stuff. Wanna hear it?”

Sure.

“Okay. It’s called I Love You A Lot.”

Iggy, you say that about everybody.

“But this is different! You’re the bestest person in the world!”

Aw, Iggy, you really feel that way?

“Uh huh! Can I sit with you and read you my poem?”

Of course.
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“Okay. A haiku. I Love You A Lot, by Iggy. Me.”

I love you a lot
You give me warmth and safety
You give me your couch.

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Oh, no you don’t. Nice try, Iggy. Get off the blanket.

“HEE HEE!”
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Okay, you’re just being creepy now. Get down.

“Heh. Okay.”

Gangsta Schnauza. Sort of.

Yo! M.C. Iggy in the HOUSE, y’all! Let me see ya jump up on the couch! Wag those tails in the air! Yeah…

All the sucka mutts runnin’ from me every night

‘Cause I don’t bark, baby, I’m just gonna bite

Well, okay, then. You go on with your bad self.

I just look at my toy and I make it squeak

All the hydrants thank me when I take a leak

Oh, great. Stay classy, Iggy.

All the kitties cry for mommy when they see me comin’

I’m the —

Excuse me?
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“Ohshit — WELL! HI, ELWOOD!”

Hello schnauzer.

“Um… hmmm… oh boy. Um… okay. Psst, Karen — is he still there?”

Yes, schnauzer. I’m still here.
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“Ohmygod he is, isn’t he. Yeah. Um… Karen? I’m kinda worried now? You know, just a little bit?”
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Okay, stop it, Elwood.

Fine, human. I’d hate for the schnauzer to wet the couch. Goodbye.

“Is he gone?”

He’s gone. You okay?

“Um… kind of?”

Would you like your squeaky elephant?

“Yes, please.”

Here you go. Feel better now?

“Yeff.”
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“I’m ftill M. Fee Iggy, oo know.”

I know.

“Ganffta.”

Of course you are.

This is why communication is important to a good marriage.

“Okay, Brian, I think the cats are in the other room.”
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“Yep, the coast is clear. Hit ‘play’! Oh boy oh boy oh boy this is gonna be so great oh boy oh boy here it comes –”

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Let it goooo! Let it goooooo!
And I’ll rise like the break of daaaaawn!
Let it go! Let it gooooo!
That perfect girl is gonnnne!
Here I staaaand! In the light of daaaay!!
Let the storm rage oooooonnnnnn!!

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THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY!!! YEAH! You GO, Elsa!!!

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“Oh. Um. Hi, Karen.”

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Please excuse me, readers. Clearly I need to have a talk with my husband about indulging Iggy. Again.

(I feel compelled to add this for the three people in the known universe who don’t recognize the song. I understand Disney’s being pretty lenient about copyright with things like this, but just in case: the song is from the Walt Disney animated film Frozen, it’s called Let It Go, and I DIDN’T WRITE IT! I DIDN’T! There. That oughta hold ’em.)

The solitary schnauzer.

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“Lemme out.”

Give me a second, Iggy, I just walked in. I’ll let you out once I put down my keys and —

“Lemme out! I’ve been locked in the kitchen for days!”

Hours.

“At least a week!”

Two hours. Almost.

“Almost a month!”

Actually, a bit over an hour and a half.

“It was terrible!”

How could it be terrible? Look at all you have to play with!

“Where?”

In the corner.

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“Oh… um… I missed that.”

How could you miss that?

“Busy.”

Doing what?

“Um… I forget?”

Wait a minute —

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Aw, come on, Iggy. Seriously?!

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“What! You were gone for months!”

A bit more than 90 minutes!

“90 minutes is a whole year! Now pet me, dammit. You owe me.”

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Iggy logic.

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Okay, what’s wrong now, Iggy?

“I don’t see why I need a leash when I’m outside.”

Remember what happened last time you were off your leash?

“Nothing happened! It was fine!”

You ran off down the street.

“What? I was gonna come back.”

Then around the corner.

“So what?”

Onto a woman’s property.

“Better than running into the street, isn’t it?”

You pooped on her lawn, Iggy.

“I had to poop, and that was as good a territory to claim as any.”

While she was sitting on her front porch looking right at you.

“Good for her for getting outside. You should do that more.”

Then you ran up onto her porch —

“To say hi and thanks for letting me claim her lawn as my own.”

— and jumped in her lap.

“Well, I was very grateful. I really had to poop.”

It wasn’t your lawn!

“It is now! Relax, it’s okay. She can come here and poop on our lawn.”

No she can’t!

“Well, that’s not very nice of you. After I pooped on her lawn.”

You’re staying on the leash, Iggy.

“You’re no fun.”

Car ride? Car ride.

“Hi. Car ride please?”

Okay, Iggy. Come on, we’ll go for a ride.

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“Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Car ride! Car ride! Car ride!”

That’s right! Who’s a happy Iggy?

“ME ME ME! I’M A HAPPY IGGY! Wanna stick my head out the window! Wanna feel the wind in my fur! Wanna bark at… um… I don’t know! I can’t choose! WANNA BARK AT THE WHOLE WORLD! HAPPY IGGY!”

Good boy! Are you ready?

YES! I’M READY! CAR RIDE! HAPPY IGGY! HAPPY IGGY!!!

Okay, let me roll down the window a little for you –

“Ha! No, I just want to blow my nose in your hair, then I’m gonna lick the side of your head for half an hour.”

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Oh, yuck.

“I’M GONNA LICK THE SKIN OFF MY HUMAN’S SKULL!!! HAPPY IGGY!!!

Haiku explorations.

Cats
by Iggy

O! Cat — you’re no fun.
May I please lick your back? No!
Cat — you are no fun.

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That was very… interesting, Iggy.

“I have another one!”

Uh oh —

Dogs
by Iggy

Dogs. They’re better than
cats. Dogs are fun and nice too
I can lick dogs’ backs.

Great. Now can we —

“Wait, I’ve got more!”

Cat, You Really Suck
by Iggy

Cat, you really suck.
I mean it — you really suck.
You really suck, cat.

Now, Iggy —

Hey, I’ve got one! There once was a dog from Nantucket

Stop it, Elwood.

Clearly this was a bad idea.

Iggy shows a surprising side.

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Hey human.

Hi, Elwood.

Remember my jingly mouse?

The one you lost?

Yeah, right, lost. Sure.

What? You were always smacking that thing all over the place. It’s probably under the fridge or something.

Nope, I found it. Go look in the schnauzer’s crate.

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Elwood, you smacked it into Iggy’s crate?

Like hell I did. I don’t play anywhere near the schnauzer.

Then how –

He took it.

He has a million dog toys. Why would he want your jingly mouse?

Why indeed, human. Why indeed.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Oh, nothing. Just tell the schnauzer the cats want their perch back.

What the –

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Iggy! What are you doing up there?

“AAGGH! WHAT! NOTHING! THERE WAS A… THING! UP HERE!”

What thing?

“Um… INTRUDER? I’M A GUARD DOG! I’M GUARDING! WOOF!”

An intruder on the cat perch?

“GUARD DOG! WOOF… woof?”

Iggy?

“Woof… ALL RIGHT! SOMETIMES I LIKE DOING CAT THINGS!

Oh. Well. Hmm.

“THERE! I SAID IT! HAPPY NOW?”

Aw, Iggy –

“I’m so ashamed!

Ha ha! Way to let your freak flag fly, schnauzer!

Stop it, Elwood. Iggy, can you come down from there —

Or do we need to call the fire department to rescue you? Ha ha!

Stop it, Elwood. Iggy, do you want to come down and we’ll talk? It’s okay, we still love you.

Who is this ‘we’ of which you speak, human?

Stop it, Elwood. Readers, we’re going to have to take the rest of this conversation offline while Iggy works through some issues.

‘Issues’? He’s got a whole subscription!

Stop it, Elwood.

Iggy, the easily influenced.

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“Karen!  It’s not what you think!”

Relax, Iggy.

“It’s completely innocent!”

I know that.

“Get your mind out of the gutter!”

It wasn’t in the gutter, Iggy.  What are you even talking —

“Why shouldn’t I be here?”

What?

“Hey, it’s not my fault you can’t keep a man!  Maybe if you weren’t whoring your way around the whole trailer park –“

Whoa, Iggy, where is this even coming from?

“No good?”

Of course not!

“But you walked in, and I’m on the bed with your husband.  I’m supposed to say stuff like that.”

No, you aren’t supposed to say —

“So step off, ’cause he’s mine now!”

Cut it out.  Where did you learn this?

“When you’re at work I watch TV, and there’s a show about a Spaniel.”

A Spaniel?

“Yeah, a Springer Spaniel, and he –“

Named Jerry, by any chance?

“You’ve seen it!  Isn’t it great?”

No more TV for you.

“Aaaww!  Wait!  I won’t watch that show anymore!”

Promise?

“Promise!”

Okay.

“There’s always Honey Boo Boo.  She has good snacks.”

 I… I can’t even.