Iggy offers comfort.

“You met her in a shelter?”

I did, yes.

“That’s a really nice first impression to make.”

What do you mean?

“The first thing she learned about you was that you’d be there to save her if you could.”

Couldn’t save her this time.

“You don’t have to every time.  It’s enough that you were there.”

You think so?

“Oh yeah.”

Iggy?

“Yes?”

Why are you pawing at my head? 

“I’d be scratching your ear if you’d just hold still.  Ear scratches make everything better.” 

I’m sorry, Iggy. Humans are different.  

“Oh.” 

Thanks anyway.

 

PHOEBE
 
The World’s Most Affectionate Cat
 
c. April 1, 2000-May 20, 2015

 

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Educating Iggy.

“Toy store! Yay!”

That’s right, Iggy! We’re in the toy store!

“Toys! Toys and treats! Happy Iggy!”

Yes, toys and treats. You’re going to get lots of treats!

“Yay, treats! Wait, who’s that guy?”

Hello, there, little guy! I’m Steven.

“Hi Steven! I’m Iggy! I love you a lot!” 

Well, that’s very sweet of you.

“You have treats! I can smell them! I love you I love you I love you!”

Would you like some treats, Iggy?

 “Yes I would! I would like some treats!”

Well, I’m sure you’ll earn plenty during your obedience lesson.

“Yay — wait, what the f—“

Language, Iggy.

“Karen, did he just say ‘obedience’?!”

He did.  Now shush — I need to hear what he’s saying.

Karen, today we’re going to work on getting your dog to obey a very basic command—

“Excuse me? ‘Obey’? Obey this, pal!”

Iggy, would you please stop licking your—

Okay, Iggy, I tell you what, let’s get straight to the treats.

“That’s better. Gimme the treats—hey, what are you doing?”

Hold on a moment, Iggy. Okay, Karen, watch what I do here. First, you hold the treat so he’ll look up at it —

“Hey! Gimme the treat!”

— then slowly move it over his head until he can’t see it. As he looks up and tries to look back, his butt will hit the floor.

“Right, Steven, my butt will hit the floor while I try to look at the treat. Do you know why that phenomenon occurs?”

You know what, Iggy? I actually don’t know exactly why. Can you explain it to me?

“Sure!”

Good boy!

“It’s because I’m a moron!”

What?

Stop it, Iggy. 

“Yep, I’m a complete moron who doesn’t know how to walk backwards! Oh, wait, no, I’m not a moron, I know how to walk backwards, and I’m gonna keep looking right at your hand without my butt hitting the floor, so just gimme the treat already.”

Iggy!

That’s okay, Karen. We’ll just try again. Iggy, can you sit?

“Are you serious?  No, I can’t sit, as a matter of fact.”

You can’t?

“Nope.  I’m a purebred Lithuanian Standing Dog.”

Sorry, what?

“We’re very rare.”

Iggy, cut it out.

”No knees.”

Stop that, Iggy!

“You should see me nap. It’s pathetic.”

Iggy!

“I look like a friggin’ fainting goat.”

Wait — a Lithuanian Standing Dog?

“No, you schmuck! Of course I can sit!”

I’m sorry, Steven, Iggy’s kind of… unusual.

Wow, yeah, he certainly is, isn’t he? So… um… yeah. To get Iggy to obey the command, we—

“Again with the obeying!”

Iggy!

“Fascist bastard!”

You know, Karen, if during the first lesson you don’t feel this class is right for you, we offer a full refund.

That’s a hint, isn’t it.

Kind of, yes.

A very Iggy Thanksgiving.

“What’s with all that food you put out that I can’t have?”

It’s Thanksgiving.

“Wasn’t it Thanksgiving last year?”

It’s every year.

“Why?”

So people can take a day to step back and think about all the things they’re thankful for.

“Oh. Like what?”

Well, I’m thankful for you. I’m very happy that we found you at the rescue and were able to bring you home to live with us.

“That’s nice.”

What are you thankful for?

“Ohhhhh, I dunno. There’s just so much! But I think I’d have to say I’m most thankful for my balls. Oh, WAIT.”

Iggy, we explained that.

“Oh, you EXPLAINED. Well, that’s okay, then.”

Iggy —

“I’M THANKFUL YOU EXPLAINED THE WHOLE SNIPPING-MY-BALLS THING!”

Aside from that.

“NOTHING! Oh, hang on — I’m thankful I have easy access to tasty acorns.”

What?

“Nature’s chew toys. And they’re snacks!”

Iggy, what did I tell you about eating acorns? You know they make you sick!

“Sorry. Forgot. Um… uh oh.”

What, Iggy?

“Um… urp…”

You ate acorns, didn’t you?

Urp. BLLUUUUURRGH.”

Oh, yuck.

“I guess you’re not thankful for a clean carpet anymore, huh. Sorry about that–”

It’s okay, Iggy–

“–just like you’re sorry ABOUT MY BALLS!”

Iggy–

“Go away, I’m sick.”

IMG_2598.JPG

Ugh. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Iggy spends quality time with Brian.

Hi, Brian, how was your day?

Tiring. But not too bad, really.

You’ve worked the early shift for how long, two weeks now? How are you adjusting?

Well, it’s a tradeoff. I hate getting up so early, but then I’m home a lot earlier now, which I like, so—

“Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi! Look at me look at me look at me!”

What the—

Yes, we see you, Iggy. Very nice.

“I’m climbing on Brian’s lap!”

Yes, you are.

Yes, he certainly is. Hello, Iggy.

“Hi Brian! Look at me! I’m being friendly! Friendly Iggy!”

Wow, okay. Very friendly.

Well, Iggy was always tired by the time you got home. Not so much now, with you coming home so much earlier.

Yeah, I noticed he’s been—

“Hey Karen! Hey Karen! You know what? You know what? You know what?”

What, Iggy?

“I’m gonna shove my head against his hand and make him pet me!”

That’s nice.

Make me pet him?

“See?”

Okay, yeah, that’s pretty cute.

“Now I’m gonna lick his face! All of it! A whole lot!”

Good boy, Iggy.

Wait, I’m not as nuts about that.

Trust me, Brian, it could be worse. Let him lick your face.

“Oh boy oh boy oh boy!”

Worse? Really? Okay.

“You know what I’m gonna do next? It’s the best thing ever! Guess what it is!”

This should be interesting.

What are you going to do next, Iggy?

“I’m gonna step on his balls!”

No you’re not.

What the hell-

Yep, worse. Told you so.

“Hey Brian! Karen said I could step on your balls!”

What?! When did you–

I didn’t, Brian. Iggy, you know I didn’t. Get off his lap.

“But Brian said I could step on his balls!”

What?! No I didn’t!

No he didn’t. Neither of us said you could. Get down.

What goes on when I’m not here?

This.

“Yep! Pretty much! Now hold still, Brian, ‘cause I’m gonna step on your-”

Down, Iggy!

“Aww, c’mon! It’ll be awesome!”

No, it won’t be awesome!

“I’mma step on his balls! Happy Iggy! Happy Iggy! NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I BEEN AS HAPPY AS I AM AT THIS VERY MOMENT!!!”

Down, Iggy. RIGHT NOW.

“Aaaww!”

What is wrong with this dog?

Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak.

“Psst — hey! Reader people!  I did it!  I escaped!  Karen left the crate door unlocked, and I snuck out!  I’m free!  What a badass I am!  Of course, I’m a wanted dog now.  Look, see?”

Iggy?  Where did you go?  I found your drawing!  Do you want it?

“Don’t say anything, reader people!” 

There you are!

“No I’m not!”

Iggy, I can see you.

“No you can’t!”

Iggy, I’m looking right at you.

“No you’re not. I’m still in the crate.  Not escaping.  Nope.”

You’re in the living room.

“No I’m not!  Um… okay.  Maybe I am.  But you can’t catch me!”

Whoa, Iggy, slow down–

“HA!  Now you’ll NEVER get me!”

Okay.

“You know why?”

Fine, Iggy, go ahead.  Say it. 

“I’M ON THE LAMB!” You know, after that you don’t deserve to hear this, but–

“What?  I’m on the lamb.  Anyone on a lamb can’t go to prison.”

–your thirty days of confinement are up. 

“What?  Really?”

Really.  It’s all over, and you’re okay.  You don’t have to stay in your crate anymore.

“YAY!  I LOVE YOU A LOT!”

I love you too.  By the way, Iggy, it’s l-a-m, not– 

“I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!”

–ah, never mind.  I love you too, Iggy.

“I’M FREE!”

Iggy approves a campaign ad.

Fluffy says he wants to win the Publix Paws Photo Contest to get a supermarket gift card for his human. What Fluffy doesn’t say is that he favors cutting funds for early childhood education.

Lulu likes to talk about how sweet she appears with a squeaky toy in her mouth and a tutu around her waist. But when will Lulu talk about ISIS? Or is Lulu a secret terrorist sympathizer?

And isn’t Bongo just adorable with his football chew toy? But if Bongo had his way, we’d all have Ebola right now.

Vote for Iggy so your children don’t end up imbecile hostages with Ebola.

I’m Iggy, and I approve this message.

 

The heartbreak of heartworms.

Hi, everyone — Karen here, without Iggy. Iggy tested positive for heartworms a little while back, and he’s currently at the vet for Immiticide injections to kill the worms. He’s coming home tomorrow, but from what I understand, the treatment is probably making him pretty sore and lethargic, so it’ll be a while before it’s business as usual again here at The Iggy Dialogues.

In the meantime, I’m calling the vet to check up on him. It’s ringing now, so — oh, hang on.

Hello, Animal Hospital.

Hi, this is Karen, checking up on Iggy. Could you tell me how he’s doing?

Hi, Karen. I know Iggy got his first shot this morning.

How’s he handling it?  Is he feeling okay, or is he hurting?  Sleeping a lot?

I guess he’s doing okay so far.

You guess? What’s going on?

You know what, I’m going to put you through to the doctor. One moment.

Okay, readers, this is worrying me–

Hello, Karen?

Hi, Doc. How’s Iggy?

Well, he got his first injection this morning, and he’s–

“IS THAT HER?!”

Down, boy. So, Iggy had–

“LEMME TALK TO HER! GIMME THE PHONE! GIMME THE PHONE! KAREN? HELP!”

Down, boy. As I was saying, he had the first injection, and it doesn’t appear to have affected his behavior–

“GIMME THE PHONE OR SO HELP ME, I WILL PEE IN YOUR RECEPTION AREA LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN PEE BEFORE!”

–which I suppose could be viewed as a positive–

“NEVER MIND A MOP, YOU BASTARDS ARE GONNA NEED AN ARK!”

–depending on your perspective.

“YOU HEAR ME?  AN ARK!

As you know, we have no choice but to keep him overnight–

“KAREN! THEY STABBED ME! BUNCH OF SICK SADISTS! HELP ME!! HELLLP MEEEEEE!!”

–so, um, we were all curious as to how early you could come and get him tomorrow?

What time do you open?

We open at 8 AM.

Figure 9 AM, then, to give you time to give him the second shot?

“WHAT’S THIS? OH MY GOD, IT’S A GODDAMNED CHIHUAHUA. I’M IN A CAGE ACROSS FROM A GODDAMNED CHIHUAHUA! HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT ‘CHIHUAHUA’ MEANS IN SPANISH?”

We’d like to give him the second shot earlier in the morning, actually.

“IT MEANS ‘I LOOK LIKE JEFF GOLDBLUM IN THE FLY ONLY SMALLER AND UGLIER,’ THAT’S WHAT IT MEANS!”

How soon can you get here?

Shall I come by as soon as you open?

“KAREN! GET ME OUTTA HERE!”

Please do.   

Of course.

Have a good day.  Iggy, please put back the ferret!

*click*

That’s going well.

 

I got your grumpy cat right here, pal (and Iggy learns a valuable life lesson).

Hello, Boo.

Hello human.

What’s wrong?

Everything’s wonderful. What could be wrong?

Don’t get passive-aggressive, Boo. What’s the matter?

Can you explain to me how Grumpy Cat is making movies now?

Her again? You have to get over your fixation with —

She’s not even grumpy. She’s just deformed.

Okay —

Whereas I am genuinely disgusted.

True —

Thoroughly, honestly disgusted.

Okay —

You all make me sick.

All right, stop that, Boo.  That’s no way to go through life.

I know this, human. I’m making changes.

Good.

“Hi Karen!”

Hi Iggy.

“Hi Boo!”

Hello, schnauzer.

“Karen, what’s a kidney?”

What? Why?

“Boo looked sad. I wanted to cheer her up. She asked for one.”

From where exactly?

“Dunno.  She said she wants one of mine, but I was looking. I have my Kermit doll and my squeaky chicken, but I don’t see a kidney? Is that the new one you gave me?”

No, that’s a toy sheep, not a kidney.

“Oh. Then where do I –”

You don’t. 

“But then how–”

Iggy, listen to me, this is important.  

“Okay.”

Never promise any of the cats a kidney.

“Oh.  Okay.”

Good boy.

What’s so good about him?  I ask him for a kidney, I don’t get the kidney.  ‘Good boy’ my furry calico ass.  

Boo, you can’t disembowel Iggy.

How is that disemboweling?  It’s one kidney.  He has another one.  There’d be plenty left of him.

I don’t care how many internal organs he has, you can’t have any of them.  

You tell me I should be happy, then you stand in my way.

I meant by playing with toys or watching the birds outside or interacting more with the other cats.

I hate the other cats.  I want meat.

Well, that’s easy enough.  I can get you treats.

I want dog meat.

You’re not getting dog meat.

Schnauzer entrails.

No, Boo.  Not happening.   

I don’t know why I bother.  There’s no talking to you.    

You have the run of the house, Boo.  You just can’t open up the dog.

I’m disgusted.  I’m leaving. 

Fine.

You all make me sick.


This is why we can’t have nice things.

“Hmm.  These boots don’t smell familiar.”

They’re new.

“Oh, that explains it. They’re nice.”

Thank you.

“Can I eat them?”

No.

“Okay, I won’t.”

Good.

“How about now?”

No.  You can’t eat them, Iggy.

“Okay, I understand.”

Thank you.

“I’ll wait until you take them off.”

No, you won’t.

“Then I can eat them now?”

No!

“Okay.”  

Okay.

“I can wait.”

No, you can’t eat them at all!

“Oh.  Okay.”

Thank you.

“How about now?”

Ugh.  I’m going inside.

Hello, human. 

Hi, Elwood. 

Nice footwear. 

Thank you, Elwood.

Tasty.

 Dammit.