“Karen?”
Yes, Iggy?
“This is my forever home, right?”
Yes, it is.
“Then how come the ones that actually make it a home don’t stay forever?”
I wish I knew, Iggy.
SMUDGE
Ornery Tabby, Domestic Round Lion
March 11, 1999-April 24, 2015
Category Iggy the Wonder Schnauzer
Monday musings.
Hi, Iggy. What are you thinking about?
“Oh, you know, nothing much. Just the Goldbach Conjecture.”
The what?
“They haven’t proved it, you know.”
You’re thinking about the Goldbach Conjecture? Seriously?
“Ha! No, just kidding.”
Good lord, here I thought my dog was ruminating on unsolved mathematical problems.
“Nope, just bacon. But I’ll bet you’re gonna get a bunch of comments now from people who want to discuss the Goldbach Conjecture.”
Uh oh. I hope not.
“You didn’t think this through, did you?”
No. No, I didn’t.
“That’s okay, I never think things through. Works for me. I’m gonna go lick the cat’s back now.”
Whoa, no you’re not!
“It’s okay, he’ll like it this time, I bet.”
Ugh.
Looking forward to a relaxing Sunday.
Hi, everyone! Karen here. There won’t be a lot going on with The Iggy Dialogues today — Iggy’s dozing quietly, and I plan to spend the day on the couch with a book.
The funny thing is the lock screen on my Kindle is advertising the book I was planning to read today — Raising Steam by Terry Pratchett. I love the Discworld novels. I think my favorite —
“HEY KAREN!!!”
AAAGGHHH! Okay, that was terrifying. What, Iggy?
“I’ve been thinking about how to leverage the blog!”
What are you talking about?
“You know, monetize, synergize and… um… stuff.”
Okay.
“We can sell Iggy’s Wonder Treats!”
Treats?
“Yeah! And we’ll make a fortune, because our treats will have the best flavor in the whole universe!”
And what flavor would that be?
“Motorcycle boot!”
Iggy?
“Yeah?”
Go lay down.
See, this is why we don’t compliment Iggy.
“Hey, Karen! Do you read The Indecisive Eejit?”
I do. She’s got a fun perspective on things. And I see she said some very kind things about you today, didn’t she — wait, where are you going?
“Looking for the neighbor’s Chihuahua!”
Uh oh —
“Hey Chihuahua! You hear that?! The Indecisive Eejit says I’m witty and funny!”
Yip yip yip yip!
“What’d you say, Chihuahua?”
Yip yip yip yip!
Iggy, what did I tell you about teasing other dogs?
“But he’s not a dog, he’s a Chihuahua! He’s just a pocket-sized piss dispenser!”
Iggy —
“Hey Chihuahua! You know what ‘Chihuahua’ is Spanish for? Chipmunk!”
Iggy, I don’t think that’s what it means —
Yip yip yip yip!
“Aw, look, the chipmunk is trying to bark!”
Yip yip yip yip!
“You know what? That’s really more like a squeak.”
Iggy —
“He’s all squeaky! Hey, neighbor lady, you might wanna oil your chipmunk!”
Okay, we’re going inside now.
“Witty and funny!”
Thank you very much to The Indecisive Eejit. If you’re here because she sent you —
“HI READER PEOPLE! HI HI HI HI HI!! I’M WITTY AND FUNNY!”
— then welcome, thank you for stopping by —
“WITTY AND FUNNY!!!”
— and sorry about the noise.
M.C. Iggy back on the mic — so, you know, yo. Or something.
Yo, cone of shame sucka, chewing on your stitches
M.C. Iggy’s in the waiting room sniffing all your bitchez —
Iggy, what’s going on?
“I got gold bling! And I got shot!”
Okay, whoa, hang on there, pup. You didn’t get shot, you got your shots. And that’s just an orange rabies vaccination tag.
“I’m gangsta!”
You’re schnauza.
“Gangsta!”
You sure?
“What! It took two of ’em to hold me back! I’m gangsta!”
Okay, Iggy, you’re gangsta.
“Thank you.”
Do you want your Shamrock McSqueakybear now?
“Yes, please.”
Good boy.
“Gangsta.”
Okay.
IGGY, SLEEPY.
“Hi.”
Hi, Iggy.
“‘Scuse me.”
Sure.
“Scooch over, please.”
This okay?
“More, please.”
How’s this?
“A little more, please. I wanna stretch a couple of my legs.”
Why don’t I just get up so you can have the entire couch to yourself?
“No, it’s okay –”
I was being sarcastic.
“– part of you has to be on the couch ‘cause I need a pillow.”
Oh, great.
“Hey. Does ‘sarcastic’ mean ‘pillowish’? ‘Cause yeah, you are. Hold still, please. G’night.”
HEY!
“Hey Karen! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!”
What, Iggy?
“Hey!”
Yes. Hey. Were you planning on saying anything else?
“No!”
Okay —
“Oh, wait, I mean yes! Yes! Remember that time it snowed a lot and it was really cold? And you were all worried about how I’d react when you walked me in the snow for the first time? And then I hardly noticed it and I wanted to stay outside and I was exploring and I was gonna sniff every single snowflake I could get my nose on? And you and Brian were trying to get me to come back inside ’cause you live in the south and don’t have really warm winter clothes? And you were freezing and miserable? And I just stayed right where I was?”
Yes, Iggy. What about it?
“That was great.“
In which I scar my dog for life.
Hi, Iggy. What are you doing?
“Chewing on Kermit.”
That’s practically cannibalism, you know.
“What’s cannibalism?”
Eating your own.
“Eewwww. Disgusting! But I’m not a Muppet.”
You sure?
“AAAAGGGHHH!”
Yeah, it was mean. Serves him right for eating my wallet.
RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD, AND IT SUCKS AND I HATE IT.
Iggy, you’re drenched!
“So?”
So get off the couch!
“You weren’t so worried about me being drenched when you made me pee outside in the rain!”
Oh, come on now.
“Mud a foot away from my face, all four of my feet in puddles –”
Stop whining, Iggy.
“– I can’t open an umbrella ’cause I have no thumbs –”
Tough. Get off the couch.
“Fine. If you need me, I’ll be rolling around on the bed.”
Of course you will.
M.C. Iggy on the mic!
Gettin’ squeak toys in my mouth, I ain’t gonna let go
Make my human spend her money on me at the Petco
All the bitches play bow when I wag my tail
Pretty perfumed poodle playthings and they’re all for sale
All the ladies in the joint, let me hear you holla
M.C. Iggy in the hizzouse with the bling-bling collar!
What are you doing, Iggy?
“Rockin’ the mic! I got diamond bling!”
It’s not diamond bling, Iggy. It’s just a new ID tag with an updated phone number. And why are you piling up your squeak toys in your crate?
“Pimping my crib!”
Well, all right then —
“I’m doggy-stylin’!”
Okay, you don’t have any idea what you’re saying, do you?
“Not really, no.”
UPDATE: I changed the title of this post; it used to be “Song of the Schnauzer.” See the comments for an explanation.
The Iggy Dialogues 