Iggy addresses the poodle issue.

Hi Iggy.

“Hi Muppet!”

What are you doing?

“Thinking.  You know that new toy Karen got for me?  At first I wasn’t sure if it was a bunny or a dog, but then I realized it’s probably a bunnydog.  It makes a weird noise when I chew it.  I guess it’s the same noise bunnydogs make in the wild?  Here, listen to this–“

Can I ask you something?

“Huh?  Okay.”

Why do you like poodles so much?

“Hmm.  I dunno.  They’ve got the long ears, and the puffy parts, and… stuff.”

Yeah, I suppose they do.  Okay.

“Why?”

No reason.  Never mind.

“But you know what?”

What?

“They’re kind of foofy.”

What do you mean?

“Like, when I go on walks, I like to stick my nose in the dirt and see what’s under there, you know?”

Yeah, me too.  I like to stick my whole head in the dirt if I can dig a big enough hole.

“Yeah!”

I like to eat it.

“You eat dirt?”

Yeah.  And grass.

“I noticed that.”

You did?

“Yeah. It’s weird.”

It is?

“In a cool way.”

Oh.  Thanks.

“Yeah.  I bet a poodle wouldn’t want to stick her nose in the dirt.  I bet she’d be all, ‘Oh no, I can’t get dirty, I’ve just been GROOMED.'”

Ooh, I hate the groomer!

“Me too!  I can’t stand the — OHMYGOD!”

What?

“OUTSIDE!”

What?!

“PEOPLE!”

WHAT?!

“PEOPLE OUTSIDE!”

PEOPLE?!

“AAIIEEE–“

AAAAAARRRROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

“–EEE– what the–?!”

Oops.  Sorry.

“Muppet?”

What?

“That was awesome!”

What the hell was that noise?

“Hey Karen!  That was Muppet!  Isn’t it great?  Hey Muppet, you know when it’s really dark out and everyone’s asleep?  I like to look out the window and shriek, just in case, you know?”

You mean in case there might be people somewhere?

“Yeah.”

Muppet, Iggy’s kind of unusual, but he’s all right once you get used to him.

So Iggy, you mean you shriek at nothing in the middle of the night?

“Um… I guess so.”

You’re kidding.

“No.”

Believe me, Muppet, he’s not.

OHMYGOD!  I LOVE shrieking at nothing in the middle of the night!  I’m more of a howler, though, but —

Oh no.

“Yeah, that’s an awesome howl!  How do you do that?”

I can show you if you want.

Oh no no no–

“Cool!”

Hey, you two, stop for a second.

“Karen!  Muppet’s gonna show me how to howl!”

Well, Iggy, that should be fiercely unpleasant.  Anyway, Muppet?  I got the results of your DNA test.  

“Why’d you do a DNA test on her?”

To see what breeds she has in her ancestry.  We know she’s got Schnauzer in her, but what else?

“Well, we know she’s not a poodle.”

Huh?  Oh.  Okay.  Yeah.  

How do you know that?

‘Cause poodles are pretty.

Now, Muppet–

“Not really.”

What?

“They’re not actually pretty — they’re just foofy.”

Foofy, Iggy?

“Yeah.  Not like Schnauzers.  Schnauzers are pretty without being foofy.  So…um… yeah, Muppet, I think it’s obvious you’ve got Schnauzer in you.”

Oh.  Wow.

“I think you’re mostly Schnauzer, in fact.  You’re Schnauzer in everything that matters.”

Thanks, Iggy.

Muppet, do you want to see the results? 

No, that’s okay.  I bet it just says I’m mostly Schnauzer. 

Hmm, let me see… yep, mostly Schnauzer.  You’re right, Muppet, you’re a pretty Schnauzer mix.

“Told you so!  Hey Muppet, can you show me how to do that howling thing?”

Sure!  Deep breath, then watch me:  AAAARROOOOOOOO!

“AAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!!  Wait, no, that was awful.”

Try again.  AAAAARRRROOOOOOOOOOO!

“AAAGGH — no, wait, ha!”

AAAAAARRROOOOOOOOOOOO!  Ha!


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In which Iggy looks a gift poodle in the mouth, among other places.

“Hey poodle!  Poodle?  Excuse me?  Hello?  Poodle?”

Who?  Poodle?  Oh, right, that’s me.  Hello.  Yes.  I’m a poodle.  Hello.

“How come you don’t have long poodle ears?”

Um… I’m rare?

“And you don’t have a poofy butt.”

A what?  Wow, okay.  No, I don’t.  Rare, remember?  

“And the wrong bits are shaved–“

Okay, yeah, you know what, you’re really weird, and I’m not a poodle, so stop talking about whatever bits of mine are shaved, okay?

“A HA!  BUSTED!”

What’s going on in here?

He’s really weird.

“Karen, you lied!  She’s not a poodle!”

In fairness, Iggy, neither are you.

Yeah!

“I’m better than a poodle.  I’m a Schnauzer, I’ll have you know.”

So is she, Iggy.

“She’s a Schnauzer?”

Well, a Schnauzer mix.

“What’s she mixed with?  Bill the Cat?”

Iggy!

“Look!”



That’s not nice, Iggy.

Okay, wow, wait, he’s a Schnauzer?

He is.

Oh.

What’s wrong?

I was hoping for a German Shepherd.

What?

Yeah, I told them at the rescue, if I had to live with a boy dog, I wanted a German Shepherd.

Well, Schnauzers are nice.  You’re a Schnauzer–

“MIX!”

Yes, Iggy.  She’s a very pretty Schnauzer mix.  Be nice.

They said he was a German Shepherd.  

Who did?

The rescue, when you walked in with him. 

He doesn’t look anything like a German Shepherd.

That’s what I told them.

And what did they say?

He’s rare.

Oh.

This is disappointing.

I’m sorry you feel that way.

“Imagine how I feel!”

Stop, Iggy.

Do I have to stay here?

Well, the rescue has us doing a five-day trial period, but I hope that–

Five days?  I can do that.  Let me know when it’s up.

“Five days?  Oh no, that’s a whole year!”

It’ll certainly feel like it.

Aw, sweetie, is there anything I can do to make you feel better about being here?

Yes.  Get a German Shepherd.

We aren’t getting a German Shepherd.

Whatever.  I’ll be over here.  Let me know when the five days are up.

Wonderful.




A surprise for Iggy.

“What are we doing here?” 

It’s a surprise, Iggy. 

“Steak! It’s steak!” 

It’s not steak. 

“Treats?” 

No. 

“Can I eat it?” 

No. Now hush. 

“Phooey.” 

I need you to get in the back seat. 

“Why?” 

I told you, it’s a surprise. 

“Fine.” 

Okay, here we go. Surprise! 

Hello

“AAAAAAGGGGHHH! A POODLE!” 

Iggy– 

“A POODLE!” 

She’s– 

“AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH! I GOT A POODLE!” 

Yeah, okay. You got a poodle. You know what, Iggy, try to calm down while we drive home, okay?

“I’M PERFECTLY CALM!” 

Great. 

“HI POODLE!”  

But I– 

Just go with it.

If you say so. 

Iggy, persistent.

“KAREN!  KAREN!  KAREN!  KAREN!”

Iggy, I’m sitting right next to you.

“THAT’S NICE!  KAREN!  KAREN!  KAREN!”

So you don’t have to keep shouting at me.  

“KA– oh.”

So what did you want?

“Huh?”

What did you want?

“Oh!  Um… nothing.”

Okay, then.

“Wait, no!  I did want something!”

You did?

“Yeah.”

What is it?

“What is what?”

What did you want, Iggy?

“Oh.  I dunno.”

Great.

“WAIT!  KAREN!”

Stop shouting.

“I have an idea!”

Okay.

“Yeah!  It’s a really good idea, too!”

Great.

“Yeah!”

Iggy?

“What?”

What’s the idea?

“What?  Oh.  Poodles!”

You’re not getting–

“No, no, no, I’m not asking for a poodle.  I just want poodle pictures!”

Pictures?  Hmm.  You know something, Iggy?  I’m okay with that.  I tell you what, if you do well in your obedience classes, I’ll print you a bunch of poodle pictures.

“Well, no.  I’d ask the poodles themselves.”

Why?

“It’s just better if the poodles themselves send me the pictures.  And… um… videos.”

I don’t like this–

“I’d set up a website.”

Iggy–

“PoodleHub.”

No.

“Damn.”

Iggy finds his calling.

“Hey Karen?”

Yes, Iggy?

“I’ve been thinking.”

Have you now.

“Yes, and I’ve made a decision.”

What have you decided?

“I’ve decided that I’d like to be a service dog.”

Really?

“Yes.  I’d be a great service dog.”

Well, a service dog is a very nice thing to be.  I’ll find out what kind of training you have to get.

“I’ll need a poodle.”

What?

“To practice with.”

Practice what?

“Servicing.”

Yeah, no.

“Damn!”

Iggy, outside.

“So much time in solitary–”

You’re not in prison, Iggy, you’re getting over heartworm treatment.  

“–but still, I remember this.”

What do you remember?

“The breeze.  The smell of grass.  The feel of the sun on my fur.  I remember it all.”

You should, you were just outside ten minutes ago.  Are you gonna pee or what?

“Ooh, a small slug crushed between my toes.  I remember that too.”

Oh, yuck.  Come on, we’re going back inside.

“Wait!  Let me walk just a few feet over this way.”

Okay.  Are you finally going to pee?

“Let me sniff a little.”

Okay.  Then you’ll pee?

“I might.  I just might.  Just need to sniff a bit.  No, a few feet over this way, let me sniff here.  Maybe.  I might.  Hmm.  No, a few feet this way.  Wait, no, just a few steps over towards here.  No — wait, no, maybe.  I might.  Okay — oh wait, hang on–”

Iggy, come on.  You can’t be outside this long.

“One second, let me just sniff here.  Wait — no.  Over here a couple of feet.  No, over here.  Wait, hang on, I think — no, never mind.  Over here, maybe–”

That’s it, we’re going inside.

“Ah HA!  HERE!”

Okay, good.

“Wait, never mind.”

You don’t really need to pee, do you.

“Not really, no.”

Right.  In we go.  

“Okay.”

Okay, slowly — don’t run through the door, Iggy — slow walk back to the crate.  Let me remove the leash, hang on.  Okay, in you go.  

“Okay.”

Good boy.

“Karen?”

No.  You just said you didn’t have to pee.  We’re not going outside again.

“You didn’t ask if I had to poop.”

Ugh.  Fine.  Okay, come out of the crate — slowly, Iggy.  Let me get the leash on you.  All right, walk — no running!  Good boy.  Walk to the door.  Okay, let’s go.

“Okay, just need to sniff a little bit.  No, a few feet over here.  Hmm.  A few steps this way.  Okay, wait — no.  Let me sniff over there a bit–”

Are you going to poop any time soon?

“No.”

You just said you had to!

“No, I said you didn’t ask me.  I didn’t say what my answer would be.”

Back inside, Iggy.

“Can I bring some slugs with me?”

No. 

“Will you get me a poodle?  I really think I deserve a poodle.”

No.  Get in the crate, Iggy.

Vote for Iggy (again! And again, and again…)

“Hi everyone, Iggy here!  I’d like to take a moment to ask you to vote for me in this contest — it’s sponsored by a supermarket chain and the winner gets $750 in marrow bones and treats.”

Well, actually, it’s a $750 gift card to use in the supermarket.

“Yes.  On marrow bones and treats.”

Or, you know, human food.

“You don’t need human food.”

What?

“Well, look at you.  You could afford to skip a meal or two.”

Watch it, Iggy.

“All of it?  My field of vision isn’t that big.”

You know, it would be easy for me to lose track of how many days you have left in that crate

“I kid!  I kid!  You’re gorgeous!”

Much better.

“You look like a poodle!”

Okay, this is backfiring.  Anyway, readers, please vote for Iggy.  You can vote once every day until the contest ends on October 21st.

“If you had a poofy tail, I’d swear you were a perfectly groomed purebred show dog!”

That’s enough, Iggy.

Iggy, arch criminal.

“Hey Karen! Hey Karen! Hey Karen! Hey Karen! Hey–”

Iggy, I’m standing right here.

“Oh.  Yeah.  Hi.”

Hi.

“I was watching a thing on the news before about prisoners working with dogs.”

So that’s why you were barking. Those dogs on TV aren’t actually here, you know.

“What? Um… yeah! I know that! I was just… practicing. For when I really meet real dogs. That are really here. Not like the ones on TV. ‘Cause those aren’t really here. I know that!”

Right.

“Anyway, I was watching it, and it seems like a nice idea.”

It is.  It’s supposed to help the prisoners with rehabilitation, along with helping the dogs.  A very good idea.

“Yeah.  Anyway, since I’m a prisoner, I want a dog.”

You’re not a prisoner, you’re a patient.

“I’m behind bars. I’m a prisoner.”

Whatever you say, Iggy.

“I want a dog to work with.”

You’re a handful on your own. I don’t think another–

“A mini poodle.”

What?

“Between one and two years old.”

You’re not getting a–

“About 15 pounds.”

I just said–

“Female, of course.”

You are not–

“Groomed–”

No.

“–pretty ribbons in her fur–”

Stop.

“–a poofy little butt–”

Stop.

“–and all these shaved bits–”

Stop or no more painkillers.

“Great.  Now I have no future.  When I get out of here and knock over a liquor store and end up right back inside, it’s your fault.”