Iggy offers comfort.

“You met her in a shelter?”

I did, yes.

“That’s a really nice first impression to make.”

What do you mean?

“The first thing she learned about you was that you’d be there to save her if you could.”

Couldn’t save her this time.

“You don’t have to every time.  It’s enough that you were there.”

You think so?

“Oh yeah.”

Iggy?

“Yes?”

Why are you pawing at my head? 

“I’d be scratching your ear if you’d just hold still.  Ear scratches make everything better.” 

I’m sorry, Iggy. Humans are different.  

“Oh.” 

Thanks anyway.

 

PHOEBE
 
The World’s Most Affectionate Cat
 
c. April 1, 2000-May 20, 2015

 

Brr.

Aw, look at widdle Iggy!   

“Zzzz–hmmph… huh?”

Who’s my toasty Iggy?  You are!  Yes you are!  You’re my toasty Iggy!  

“What?”

My toasty puppy!  

“Seriously?”

Was my widdle Iggy puppy chilly?

“Well, actually–”

Uh oh.  Who got a chilly widdle nose?  

“What?”

Iggy got a chilly widdle nose!

“What are you–”

Is my chilly widdle Iggy cozy?

“Karen–”

Awww!  Look at my cozy widdle Iggy puppy!

“WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND FIX THE DAMNED HEAT PUMP!”

Suck it up. That’s what you get for stealing my blanket.  Widdle chilly Iggy puppy!

“Cut it out!”

The repair guy will be here this afternoon–

“Good.”

–widdle floofy-face!

“Ugh.”

I got your grumpy cat right here, pal (and Iggy learns a valuable life lesson).

Hello, Boo.

Hello human.

What’s wrong?

Everything’s wonderful. What could be wrong?

Don’t get passive-aggressive, Boo. What’s the matter?

Can you explain to me how Grumpy Cat is making movies now?

Her again? You have to get over your fixation with —

She’s not even grumpy. She’s just deformed.

Okay —

Whereas I am genuinely disgusted.

True —

Thoroughly, honestly disgusted.

Okay —

You all make me sick.

All right, stop that, Boo.  That’s no way to go through life.

I know this, human. I’m making changes.

Good.

“Hi Karen!”

Hi Iggy.

“Hi Boo!”

Hello, schnauzer.

“Karen, what’s a kidney?”

What? Why?

“Boo looked sad. I wanted to cheer her up. She asked for one.”

From where exactly?

“Dunno.  She said she wants one of mine, but I was looking. I have my Kermit doll and my squeaky chicken, but I don’t see a kidney? Is that the new one you gave me?”

No, that’s a toy sheep, not a kidney.

“Oh. Then where do I –”

You don’t. 

“But then how–”

Iggy, listen to me, this is important.  

“Okay.”

Never promise any of the cats a kidney.

“Oh.  Okay.”

Good boy.

What’s so good about him?  I ask him for a kidney, I don’t get the kidney.  ‘Good boy’ my furry calico ass.  

Boo, you can’t disembowel Iggy.

How is that disemboweling?  It’s one kidney.  He has another one.  There’d be plenty left of him.

I don’t care how many internal organs he has, you can’t have any of them.  

You tell me I should be happy, then you stand in my way.

I meant by playing with toys or watching the birds outside or interacting more with the other cats.

I hate the other cats.  I want meat.

Well, that’s easy enough.  I can get you treats.

I want dog meat.

You’re not getting dog meat.

Schnauzer entrails.

No, Boo.  Not happening.   

I don’t know why I bother.  There’s no talking to you.    

You have the run of the house, Boo.  You just can’t open up the dog.

I’m disgusted.  I’m leaving. 

Fine.

You all make me sick.


Peer pressure.

 

“This is uncomfortable.”

You’re getting subcutaneous fluids. You’re dehydrated. Hold still. 

“My skin is stretching.  Yuck.”

It’s temporary.  Your body will absorb it, and you’ll be fine.

“I don’t like it here.”

Then why did you make me bring you?

“I dunno.”

Yes you do. Tell me why.

“Well, you know how the cats throw up a lot?”

They never stop reminding me.  Comes with being a cat, I think.

“I thought maybe if I joined in, they’d like me.”

Brilliant.  Did you ever think of just keeping your nose out of their butts?

“Yeah, but I didn’t wanna.  This was a better idea.”

It was?  How’d it work out for you, Quasimodo?

“Shut up.”

 

 

 

Iggy, contrite.

“Hey!  Lemme in!”

No, you can stay out there a little while longer.

“Come on!”

Nope.

“Okay!  You win!”

What was that?  Did you say something?

“You win!”

Anything else?

“Ugh.  Okay.  I’m sorry.”

For what?

“I’m sorry I stole your Zippo.”

A little better.

“And I’m sorry I spilled the container of gasoline.”

Okay, anything else?

“I’m sorry I burned down half the porch.”

Okay.

“Can I come in now?

You can.

“That was scary.  Can I lay on the couch next to you?”

Okay, come on up.

“You know, I just wanted to set fire to the neighbor’s Chihuahua.”

Drop it, Iggy —

“Not even all of him! I just wanted to light the tip of his tail!”

Iggy — 

“Like a fuse!”

Iggy —

“A furry little yip bomb!”

No.

“Ha ha!  ‘Yip yip yip BOOM!'”  

“Heh.  Yeah.”

 Iggy.

“Yeah?”

Get back outside.

“Aw, dammit.”

Sing Along with Iggy.

“Hi reader people!  Iggy here!  Do you like music?  I like music!  Especially CDs.  I know everyone downloads music now, but MP3s just don’t sound the same.  And of course, I can’t chew MP3s.”

 

“Anyway, Karen’s going to have a lot going on today, so I thought instead of her doing the blog, I’d lead everyone in a sing-along.”

That’s nice of you, Iggy, but I really don’t have much I need to do —

“No no no!  It’s okay, I want to!  Just to say thanks, since you adopted me from the rescue and all.”

Aw, Iggy, that’s sweet of you.

“Um… yeah.  Anyway, I thought we could sing a Johnny Cash song.  Is everyone ready?  Okay, let’s sing!  I fell into a burning thing on fire –“ 

Iggy, it’s ‘ring of fire.’

“What?”

It’s ‘ring of fire.’  You said ‘thing on fire.’

“Did I?  Ah… well… actually, um, funny story –“

Iggy, why am I smelling smoke?

“WHAT?  SMOKE?  OH MY GOD.  What smoke?  I dunno?  I wasn’t here?”

 What the hell?! 

“You never spent much time on the porch anyway.” 

AAAAGGGHH!

Iggy, ungrateful.

Iggy, guess what?

“What?”

We got nominated for an award!

“We did? Oh boy! What kind of award?”

A Very Inspiring Blogger Award!

“Oh boy oh boy oh boy!”

Yep, I knew you’d be excited! Who’s a happy Iggy?

“ME! I’m a happy Iggy! Does it come with steak?!”

What? Well, no.

“Oh. That sucks. Awards should come with steak.”

Now, Iggy, that’s not very nice of you. This came from the wonderful Donna at MyOBT, who was very kind to nominate us. “OBT” stands for One Beautiful Thing — she posts one thing per day that she finds beautiful, and she’s got a great eye.  From her About page:  

I began to wonder what would happen if I committed to spend every day looking for at least one beautiful thing?

Okay, that excerpt makes it sound sappy and trite, but it’s most definitely not.  Readers, do yourselves a favor and go check it out.  Also, her About page also quotes Tim Minchin, so for that alone she totally rocks.  

“She can’t rock that much if she’s not giving me any steak.”

Stop that, Iggy.  Anyway, the Very Inspiring Blogger Award is given to bloggers who inspire, of course — whether it’s with stories of survival against overwhelming odds, or things that seem small but still brighten your day for having read them, or —

“Does it squeak, at least? That would at least be amusing for a little while.”

It doesn’t squeak. It’s not a toy.

“That sucks!”

Cut that out.  Anyway, I especially like the pay-it-forward aspect —

“You know what would be a great award?”

Quiet, Iggy.  As I was saying —

“Squeaky steak.”

— there are some rules we have to —

“I’ll carry it around squeezing it in my jaws and it’ll make fun squeaky noises. Then I’ll eat it.  ‘Cause it’s meat.”

Pay attention, Iggy. There are some rules —

“Can you at least buy me a squeaky steak when you’re done here?”

There’s no such thing. Now, the rules of the award are that —

“Well, that’s a market vacuum right there.”

— we have to list — wait, what?

“Squeaky steak should exist. Squeaky steak doesn’t exist. Ergo, market vacuum.”

Fine, there’s a market vacuum. Anyway, I have to list 15 —

“We could make it ourselves. And sell it!”

What are you talking about?

“We could advertise it. Iggy’s Squeaksteaks – Play With Your Food!”

Fine, we’ll talk about it later. So, the award —

“Squeakymeat – The Meat that Squeaks!”

Quiet.

“Bouncy Beef!”

Can I finish here?

“Sure. You tell everyone about the award. I’ll be in the kitchen working on a prototype.”

Thank you. The rules of the “Very Inspiring–“

The schnauzer inspires me.

Oh, hello, Elwood. Why don’t you come here and tell everyone what he inspires in you?

Homicidal bloodlust.

Okay, I don’t think that’s —

Look, human.  I have a minion now.

 

Oh, wonderful.  Wait a minute — Iggy, where did you run off to?

“I’m in the kitchen! Hey, are you gonna eat any of this?!”

Oh, shit —

“‘Cause it’s really good!”

Well, I can see today isn’t a good day for this. I’m afraid we’ll have to do the award thing tomorrow, after I clean up the mess here.  (Is there a blog award that offers a mop, a couple of buckets, and maybe a hazmat suit?  No?  Just checking.)  

Oh, if only.

“Oh… wow.”

“Hmm.  Okay, then.  Um… wow.”

Iggy?

“Yeah, okay… wow.”

You okay, Iggy?

“FINE!  Fine.  Okay.  Yeah.  Just fine.”

All right.

“Yeah.  Um… yeah.  Wow.  Yeah…”

“Yeeeaaaaaaahhh… wow.”

What?

“NOTHING!  Fine!  I’m fine!”

Okay. 

“Yep, yep, yep.  Fine.  Um… oh boy, wow… yeah… wow… okay… yeah… hmmmph… hoo boy… oh boy oh boy oh boy…” 

Iggy —

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN I HAVE A SNACK!!!”

Sorry, Iggy.  That’s human food.

“I KNEW THAT!” 

Good boy.

“AAAAGGGHHH. Wow.”

Loyalty, Iggy style.

“I’ll be right here waiting for you until you come home. 

“Or until I get bored with licking the window and decide to chase the cats and bark at the top of my lungs at them until they play with me or let me lick their entire heads or something. Although those sofa cushions look kind of tasty, so I might just nibble on one of those for a while. 

“But I’ll be here, is my point.”

 

Cross-posted from So Many Feebs.

Said Sisyphus, “At least I don’t have pets.”

Hello, Phoebe!  How’s my pretty kitty —

Don’t give me that.  Do you know what your dog did today?

“Nothing!  I swear!”

I’ll have you know he left a mangled cat near our toy box.

A what?!

A MANGLED CAT.  He mangled a cat and left it near our toy box.  He muttered something about ‘sending a message.’

“Did not!

Iggy —

“I didn’t!”

You did!

“I did, a little, yes.”

Okay.  Phoebe, it’s not a real cat, it’s a toy.  Iggy, stay away from the cats’ toy box.  There — solved.

Fine.

 “But Karen, the cats are mean to me.”

Because you keep sticking your nose in their butts.

“Oh.  All right.  I won’t do it anymore –”

Good —

“– today.”

We’re going to do this all over again tomorrow, aren’t we?

“Probably.”