Oh, Christ.
What’s wrong, Muppet?
Iggy is so NEEDY.
“Hey! I heard that!”
On behalf of Iggy, Muppet, the cats, Brian and myself, may all of your needs be met this New Year.
“I’M NOT NEEDY!”
Tag dogs
Iggy and Muppet Comfort the Afflicted.
Well, hi!
“Hi Karen!”
Karen, are you okay?
Feeling a little better, thanks.
Can you play the chase game with us?
Sorry, Muppet, I can’t chase you guys.
“So you still have back slammers?”
They’re back splatters, Iggy.
Spasms, guys. Back spasms.
“You still have back things?”
Yes, I do.
So you can’t run after us?
No, I’m afraid I’m stuck here for now.
“Can you move at all?”
Not really. It’s sweet of you to cuddle with–
“Yay! I’m chasing the cat!”
I’m gonna tear up the throw pillows!
“Hey Muppet, I bet you can’t jump from the back of the loveseat!”
Can too! Watch me!
Dammit. (Also, ouch.)
Election Day.
You’re a puppet, Iggy.
“Am not! You’re the puppet!”
No, I’m the Muppet!
“Puppet!”
Muppet!
“Puppet!”
Muppet!
“You’re nasty!”
Am not! You’re unfit!
“Well, you’re a girl!”
This is what I get for letting them watch the news all damned year. Go vote anyway, and soon this will all be over.
Hi again.
“Hey Karen?”
Yes, Iggy?
“Can we say hi to the reader people again? It’s been a really long time.”
Oh, wow, you’re right, it has. I guess I haven’t had time lately to — Muppet!
What?
Stop that!
Sorry!
“Karen, why haven’t you had time–”
Muppet!
What?
I thought you were going to stop that!
I wasn’t planning to.
It doesn’t matter what you were planning, I’m telling you to stop!
Okay.
Don’t do it again. Sorry, Iggy, what were you saying?
“How come you don’t have time to say hi to the reader people?”
Well, Iggy, it’s just — oh, hang on. Muppet!
What?
What is that on the floor?
Um… my toy?
And what’s the fluffy white stuff?
Stuffing?
That’s right. What did I tell you about that?
Um… the stuffing stays inside the toy?
Yes. Where is the stuffing now?
Outside?
And why is the stuffing outside the toy?
The squeaker was sad.
What are you talking about?
It was crying. It was trapped in the stuffing. I freed it.
It wasn’t crying, Muppet, it was squeaking. It’s a squeaker. That’s what it does.
Oh. Oops.
You know this, Muppet.
Um… yeah, I do.
“You do!”
Stop that, Iggy.
“Sorry. So how come you don’t have time for the reader people?”
Because I —
Karen? Karen? Karen!
What, Muppet?
Can I have a new toy? This one’s busted.
“New toy? I want a new toy too!”
No new toys, Iggy, you have plenty already. Take one from the pile in the corner, Muppet. Iggy, the reason I don’t have time — Iggy, where’d you go?
“You’re right, Muppet, it’s way more fun when it’s outside the toy!”
Told you so!
Dammit.
Not a complaint, just an observation.
Iggy, Ready For His Closeup.
“YES!”
Iggy?
“HA HA!”
Iggy–
“I am a photobombing GOD!”
Iggy.
“What, mortal?”
It doesn’t count if you were supposed to be in the picture.
“Oh.”
Iggy and Muppet and Muppet.
“Hi Muppet the Fake Poodle!”
Stop!
“Muppet the Fake Poodle!”
Quit it!
“Muppet the Fake Poodle!”
Cut it out! I hate that name! And I’m not a poodle!
“You sure? Look at you! You could be anything! Schnauzer, cat, ferret – there’s everything else, there might be some poodle in there too!”
There’s not!
“How do you know?”
‘Cause poodles are pretty, okay? Go away!
“Oh.”
Hmmph.
“Muppet?”
Leave me alone.
“Um… here. In case you want to chew anything while you’re under there.”
Oh, great.
“What?”
A Muppet, Iggy? Really?
“Oh. Well, yeah. It’s a Muppet. It’s my Kermit.”
Very funny.
“I have an Animal too, and a Miss Piggy.”
I get it, Muppet chewing a Muppet, right?
“Well, no.”
What, then?
“I dunno. They’re just fun and cute.”
They are?
“Yeah. Muppets are my favorite things in the whole world.”
Oh.
“But it’s okay if you want to chew it. Um… yeah. It’s here if you want it.”
Muppet, Iggy’s accidental muse.
“Hey Karen!”
Yes, Iggy?
“I wrote a poem for Muppet.”
You did?
“Yeah, I was watching her sleep, and I was inspired.”
Well, that’s very sweet.
Sure, if by ‘sweet’ you mean really weird and just a little bit creepy.
Now, Muppet, he’s making an effort. Let’s give him a chance. Iggy, why don’t you read us your poem?
“Okay!”
O Muppet
by Iggy
O Muppet, fur unruly,
A Schnauzer, a Yorkie, a mix, asleep
With your leg in the air
Like a fainting goat in the night.
A Schnauzer, a Yorkie, a mix, a mess
O Muppet, will you be groomed
Like, ever?
Ugh. You see what I have to put up with?
That wasn’t very nice, Iggy.
“I’m just wondering what’s up with her fur, that’s all!”
She’s going to the groomer next week.
“She is?”
Oh no. I am?
Yes.
Oh. Wow. I really don’t like it here.
Aw, Muppet, don’t hide under the — yeah, okay.
Hi, my name is, what?
“Hey fake poodle!”
Iggy, stop calling me that.
“Well, what’s your real name, then?”
Don’t have one. Don’t need one. I’m going back to the rescue.
No you’re not.
Wait, Karen, what?
You’re a good girl, and I love you very much, so at the end of the trial period I told the rescue I’m not bringing you back. So no more rescues and no more shelters for you — this is officially your forever home, and we’re your forever family.
Aw, dammit.
“So what’s her name?”
Yeah, did you name me?
Of course I did, sweetie.
Is it a pretty name? I hope it’s a pretty name. Is it Lily?
No, it’s not Lily.
Is it Ariel? I would like Ariel.
It’s not Ariel either.
Penelope?
No.
Princess?
Muppet.
Wha…?!
I named you Muppet.
Wha..?!
Muppet.
Wha…?!
It’s a sweet little name.
Wha…?!
It’s a cute name for a cute little dog.
How the — what the…?
What’s wrong?
You named me after a puppet?!
Settle down.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Don’t you think you’re overreacting just a little bit?
You named me after a bunch of puppets on a children’s show!
Now, Muppet —
What next, are you gonna make me teach you the damned alphabet?!
Calm down.
You’re a grown-ass woman! How could you name me Muppet?!
“Hi Muppet!”
Shut up, Iggy!
“Muppet Muppet Muppet!”
Stop that, Iggy.
“Can I have a poodle?”
No.
“Then I’m not stopping. Muppet Muppet Muppet Muppet!”
Shut up!
Aw, Muppet, don’t crawl back under the — okay.
A surprise for Iggy.
“What are we doing here?”
It’s a surprise, Iggy.
“Steak! It’s steak!”
It’s not steak.
“Treats?”
No.
“Can I eat it?”
No. Now hush.
“Phooey.”
I need you to get in the back seat.
“Why?”
I told you, it’s a surprise.
“Fine.”
Okay, here we go. Surprise!
Hello.
“AAAAAAGGGGHHH! A POODLE!”
Iggy–
“A POODLE!”
She’s–
“AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH! I GOT A POODLE!”
Yeah, okay. You got a poodle. You know what, Iggy, try to calm down while we drive home, okay?
“I’M PERFECTLY CALM!”
Great.
“HI POODLE!”
But I–
Just go with it.
If you say so.
The Iggy Dialogues 