Gangsta Schnauza. Sort of.

Yo! M.C. Iggy in the HOUSE, y’all! Let me see ya jump up on the couch! Wag those tails in the air! Yeah…

All the sucka mutts runnin’ from me every night

‘Cause I don’t bark, baby, I’m just gonna bite

Well, okay, then. You go on with your bad self.

I just look at my toy and I make it squeak

All the hydrants thank me when I take a leak

Oh, great. Stay classy, Iggy.

All the kitties cry for mommy when they see me comin’

I’m the —

Excuse me?
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“Ohshit — WELL! HI, ELWOOD!”

Hello schnauzer.

“Um… hmmm… oh boy. Um… okay. Psst, Karen — is he still there?”

Yes, schnauzer. I’m still here.
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“Ohmygod he is, isn’t he. Yeah. Um… Karen? I’m kinda worried now? You know, just a little bit?”
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Okay, stop it, Elwood.

Fine, human. I’d hate for the schnauzer to wet the couch. Goodbye.

“Is he gone?”

He’s gone. You okay?

“Um… kind of?”

Would you like your squeaky elephant?

“Yes, please.”

Here you go. Feel better now?

“Yeff.”
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“I’m ftill M. Fee Iggy, oo know.”

I know.

“Ganffta.”

Of course you are.

Iggy logic.

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Okay, what’s wrong now, Iggy?

“I don’t see why I need a leash when I’m outside.”

Remember what happened last time you were off your leash?

“Nothing happened! It was fine!”

You ran off down the street.

“What? I was gonna come back.”

Then around the corner.

“So what?”

Onto a woman’s property.

“Better than running into the street, isn’t it?”

You pooped on her lawn, Iggy.

“I had to poop, and that was as good a territory to claim as any.”

While she was sitting on her front porch looking right at you.

“Good for her for getting outside. You should do that more.”

Then you ran up onto her porch —

“To say hi and thanks for letting me claim her lawn as my own.”

— and jumped in her lap.

“Well, I was very grateful. I really had to poop.”

It wasn’t your lawn!

“It is now! Relax, it’s okay. She can come here and poop on our lawn.”

No she can’t!

“Well, that’s not very nice of you. After I pooped on her lawn.”

You’re staying on the leash, Iggy.

“You’re no fun.”

Haiku explorations.

Cats
by Iggy

O! Cat — you’re no fun.
May I please lick your back? No!
Cat — you are no fun.

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That was very… interesting, Iggy.

“I have another one!”

Uh oh —

Dogs
by Iggy

Dogs. They’re better than
cats. Dogs are fun and nice too
I can lick dogs’ backs.

Great. Now can we —

“Wait, I’ve got more!”

Cat, You Really Suck
by Iggy

Cat, you really suck.
I mean it — you really suck.
You really suck, cat.

Now, Iggy —

Hey, I’ve got one! There once was a dog from Nantucket

Stop it, Elwood.

Clearly this was a bad idea.

RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD, AND IT SUCKS AND I HATE IT.

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Iggy, you’re drenched!

“So?”

So get off the couch!

“You weren’t so worried about me being drenched when you made me pee outside in the rain!

Oh, come on now.

“Mud a foot away from my face, all four of my feet in puddles –”

Stop whining, Iggy.

“– I can’t open an umbrella ’cause I have no thumbs –”

Tough. Get off the couch.

“Fine. If you need me, I’ll be rolling around on the bed.”

Of course you will.

M.C. Iggy on the mic!

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Gettin’ squeak toys in my mouth, I ain’t gonna let go

Make my human spend her money on me at the Petco

All the bitches play bow when I wag my tail

Pretty perfumed poodle playthings and they’re all for sale

All the ladies in the joint, let me hear you holla

M.C. Iggy in the hizzouse with the bling-bling collar!

What are you doing, Iggy?

“Rockin’ the mic! I got diamond bling!”

It’s not diamond bling, Iggy. It’s just a new ID tag with an updated phone number. And why are you piling up your squeak toys in your crate?

“Pimping my crib!”

Well, all right then —

“I’m doggy-stylin’!”

Okay, you don’t have any idea what you’re saying, do you?

“Not really, no.”
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UPDATE: I changed the title of this post; it used to be “Song of the Schnauzer.” See the comments for an explanation.

This’ll work!

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“Look. I’m sad. Close the laptop and play with me.”

I can’t right now, Iggy. I’m working. You know that. And where’s that music coming from?

“Huh? What music?”

My iPad! You downloaded a Sarah McLachlan album?

“No! I didn’t! I couldn’t, because I’m too depressed to move! All because you won’t play with me!”

Emotional-blackmailing freak.

“What! It works on TV!”

(If animals ever figure out iTunes, we’re doomed. We’ll be walking around weeping and giving them anything they want. And Sarah McLachlan will be able to buy entire vacation planets.)