Hey human.

Hi, Elwood.

Remember my jingly mouse?

The one you lost?

Yeah, right, lost. Sure.

What? You were always smacking that thing all over the place. It’s probably under the fridge or something.

Nope, I found it. Go look in the schnauzer’s crate.

Elwood, you smacked it into Iggy’s crate?

Like hell I did. I don’t play anywhere near the schnauzer.

Then how –

He took it.

He has a million dog toys. Why would he want your jingly mouse?

Why indeed, human. Why indeed.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Oh, nothing. Just tell the schnauzer the cats want their perch back.

What the –

Iggy! What are you doing up there?

“AAGGH! WHAT! NOTHING! THERE WAS A… THING! UP HERE!”

What thing?

“Um… INTRUDER? I’M A GUARD DOG! I’M GUARDING! WOOF!”

An intruder on the cat perch?

“GUARD DOG! WOOF… woof?”

Iggy?

“Woof… ALL RIGHT! SOMETIMES I LIKE DOING CAT THINGS!”

Oh. Well. Hmm.

“THERE! I SAID IT! HAPPY NOW?”

Aw, Iggy –

“I’m so ashamed!”

Ha ha! Way to let your freak flag fly, schnauzer!

Stop it, Elwood. Iggy, can you come down from there —

Or do we need to call the fire department to rescue you? Ha ha!

Stop it, Elwood. Iggy, do you want to come down and we’ll talk? It’s okay, we still love you.

Who is this ‘we’ of which you speak, human?

Stop it, Elwood. Readers, we’re going to have to take the rest of this conversation offline while Iggy works through some issues.

‘Issues’? He’s got a whole subscription!

Stop it, Elwood.