Category Pets

In which Iggy looks a gift poodle in the mouth, among other places.

Karen 5 Comments

“Hey poodle!  Poodle?  Excuse me?  Hello?  Poodle?”

Who?  Poodle?  Oh, right, that’s me.  Hello.  Yes.  I’m a poodle.  Hello.

“How come you don’t have long poodle ears?”

Um… I’m rare?

“And you don’t have a poofy butt.”

A what?  Wow, okay.  No, I don’t.  Rare, remember?  

“And the wrong bits are shaved–“

Okay, yeah, you know what, you’re really weird, and I’m not a poodle, so stop talking about whatever bits of mine are shaved, okay?

“A HA!  BUSTED!”

What’s going on in here?

He’s really weird.

“Karen, you lied!  She’s not a poodle!”

In fairness, Iggy, neither are you.

Yeah!

“I’m better than a poodle.  I’m a Schnauzer, I’ll have you know.”

So is she, Iggy.

“She’s a Schnauzer?”

Well, a Schnauzer mix.

“What’s she mixed with?  Bill the Cat?”

Iggy!

“Look!”



That’s not nice, Iggy.

Okay, wow, wait, he’s a Schnauzer?

He is.

Oh.

What’s wrong?

I was hoping for a German Shepherd.

What?

Yeah, I told them at the rescue, if I had to live with a boy dog, I wanted a German Shepherd.

Well, Schnauzers are nice.  You’re a Schnauzer–

“MIX!”

Yes, Iggy.  She’s a very pretty Schnauzer mix.  Be nice.

They said he was a German Shepherd.  

Who did?

The rescue, when you walked in with him. 

He doesn’t look anything like a German Shepherd.

That’s what I told them.

And what did they say?

He’s rare.

Oh.

This is disappointing.

I’m sorry you feel that way.

“Imagine how I feel!”

Stop, Iggy.

Do I have to stay here?

Well, the rescue has us doing a five-day trial period, but I hope that–

Five days?  I can do that.  Let me know when it’s up.

“Five days?  Oh no, that’s a whole year!”

It’ll certainly feel like it.

Aw, sweetie, is there anything I can do to make you feel better about being here?

Yes.  Get a German Shepherd.

We aren’t getting a German Shepherd.

Whatever.  I’ll be over here.  Let me know when the five days are up.

Wonderful.




A surprise for Iggy.

Karen 4 Comments

“What are we doing here?” 

It’s a surprise, Iggy. 

“Steak! It’s steak!” 

It’s not steak. 

“Treats?” 

No. 

“Can I eat it?” 

No. Now hush. 

“Phooey.” 

I need you to get in the back seat. 

“Why?” 

I told you, it’s a surprise. 

“Fine.” 

Okay, here we go. Surprise! 

Hello. 

“AAAAAAGGGGHHH! A POODLE!” 

Iggy– 

“A POODLE!” 

She’s– 

“AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH! I GOT A POODLE!” 

Yeah, okay. You got a poodle. You know what, Iggy, try to calm down while we drive home, okay?

“I’M PERFECTLY CALM!” 

Great. 

“HI POODLE!”  

But I– 

Just go with it.

If you say so. 

Iggy offers comfort.

Karen 19 Comments

“You met her in a shelter?”

I did, yes.

“That’s a really nice first impression to make.”

What do you mean?

“The first thing she learned about you was that you’d be there to save her if you could.”

Couldn’t save her this time.

“You don’t have to every time.  It’s enough that you were there.”

You think so?

“Oh yeah.”

Iggy?

“Yes?”

Why are you pawing at my head? 

“I’d be scratching your ear if you’d just hold still.  Ear scratches make everything better.” 

I’m sorry, Iggy. Humans are different.  

“Oh.” 

Thanks anyway.

 

PHOEBE
 The World’s Most Affectionate Cat
 c. April 1, 2000-May 20, 2015

 

Iggy, persistent.

Karen 8 Comments

“KAREN!  KAREN!  KAREN!  KAREN!”

Iggy, I’m sitting right next to you.

“THAT’S NICE!  KAREN!  KAREN!  KAREN!”

So you don’t have to keep shouting at me.  

“KA– oh.”

So what did you want?

“Huh?”

What did you want?

“Oh!  Um… nothing.”

Okay, then.

“Wait, no!  I did want something!”

You did?

“Yeah.”

What is it?

“What is what?”

What did you want, Iggy?

“Oh.  I dunno.”

Great.

“WAIT!  KAREN!”

Stop shouting.

“I have an idea!”

Okay.

“Yeah!  It’s a really good idea, too!”

Great.

“Yeah!”

Iggy?

“What?”

What’s the idea?

“What?  Oh.  Poodles!”

You’re not getting–

“No, no, no, I’m not asking for a poodle.  I just want poodle pictures!”

Pictures?  Hmm.  You know something, Iggy?  I’m okay with that.  I tell you what, if you do well in your obedience classes, I’ll print you a bunch of poodle pictures.

“Well, no.  I’d ask the poodles themselves.”

Why?

“It’s just better if the poodles themselves send me the pictures.  And… um… videos.”

I don’t like this–

“I’d set up a website.”

Iggy–

“PoodleHub.”

No.

“Damn.”

Iggy, snuggling.

Karen 2 Comments

“I like when you’re home.”

I like it too, Iggy.  This is nice.

“Yeah.  This is much better than when you’re at work and there’s nobody here and I’m sad and bored and have to try to chew on the cats to get my mind off how lonely I am.”

What?

“Oh, wait, did I say chew on the cats? I meant NOT chew on the cats.”

Right.

“You know, ‘Here I am all by myself not chewing on the cats because I’m a good boy, if only I had a human here to say ‘good boy’ to me but I don’t have anyone to say ‘good boy’ or even to pet me, oh I’m so lonely but I’m not chewing on the cats!'”

Iggy —

“I’m just digging myself in deeper, aren’t I?”

Yep.

“I’ll shut up.”

Good boy.

AAAAIIIIEEEE!

Karen 10 Comments

“AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH–“

Welcome back, Karen. I thought that for today’s training session, we’d see if we can’t get Iggy to calm down when he sees other dogs.

Sorry, Steven, I didn’t catch that. What did you say?

“EEEEEEEEEEEEYYYAAAAAAAAA—“

I said, we’re going to get Iggy to—

What?!

“–AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH—“

WE’RE GOING TO–

“[pant pant pant]”

–WORK ON—sorry. Okay, I want to—

“AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—“

–I want to work on Iggy’s shrieking!

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over Iggy’s shrieking!

“–EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAIIIII—“

We’re going to walk around the store—

What?!

WE’RE GOING TO WALK AROUND THE STORE AND WORK ON HIS SHRIEKING!

Okay, I’ll walk around the store while you work with him!

“—AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAA—“

What?!

But wouldn’t it make more sense if we all walked around the store together?!

What? Yes! That’s what we’re doing!

“–AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH—“

Okay, as soon as he stops shrieking, I want you to click the clicker and give him a treat!

What?!

“–AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE—“

I said give him a treat!

What, now?! But he’s shrieking!

“—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH—“

No, wait!

“–AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—“

Here you go, Iggy.

“—AAAAIIIIEEE—oh, what’s this?”

A cut up piece of a hot dog.

“A what?”

It’s a piece of a hot dog. Isn’t that great? You get this if you–

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

What?

“YOU’RE TRYING TO FEED ME A DOG!”

Um–

Iggy, it’s not a real–

Karen? You actually weren’t supposed to give him—

“YOU’RE A SICK, SICK WOMAN!”

Iggy, it’s not a—

Oh, look, another dog just walked in. Let’s try to–

“AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE—“

Sorry, what?!

Let’s walk Iggy past the dog, and if he stops shrieking, give him a treat!

“–AAAAIIIIIIEEEEYAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH—“

Come on, Iggy, let’s walk—

“–AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH–“

As soon as he stops shrieking–

What?!

“—AAAAIIIEEEEIIIIEEEEEEEAAAIIIEEEEEEE—“

He has to stop sometime! Doesn’t he?

“[pant pant pant]”

Quick, treat him now.

Good boy, Iggy! You get a treat!

“NO! THAT’S DOG!! YOU’RE INSANE!!!”

I told you, hot dogs aren’t really dogs—

“DOGS?! WHERE?!”

Oh, no—

“AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!“

Well, that was fast, our time’s up for this week!

Okay, thanks for your help! See you next Sunday?!

“AAAAIIIIIEEYYYAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!“

Shit.

Sorry, I didn’t catch that?!

Great!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!“

Educating Iggy.

Karen 12 Comments

“Toy store! Yay!”

That’s right, Iggy! We’re in the toy store!

“Toys! Toys and treats! Happy Iggy!”

Yes, toys and treats. You’re going to get lots of treats!

“Yay, treats! Wait, who’s that guy?”

Hello, there, little guy! I’m Steven.

“Hi Steven! I’m Iggy! I love you a lot!” 

Well, that’s very sweet of you.

“You have treats! I can smell them! I love you I love you I love you!”

Would you like some treats, Iggy?

 “Yes I would! I would like some treats!”

Well, I’m sure you’ll earn plenty during your obedience lesson.

“Yay — wait, what the f—“

Language, Iggy.

“Karen, did he just say ‘obedience’?!”

He did.  Now shush — I need to hear what he’s saying.

Karen, today we’re going to work on getting your dog to obey a very basic command—

“Excuse me? ‘Obey’? Obey this, pal!”

Iggy, would you please stop licking your—

Okay, Iggy, I tell you what, let’s get straight to the treats.

“That’s better. Gimme the treats—hey, what are you doing?”

Hold on a moment, Iggy. Okay, Karen, watch what I do here. First, you hold the treat so he’ll look up at it —

“Hey! Gimme the treat!”

— then slowly move it over his head until he can’t see it. As he looks up and tries to look back, his butt will hit the floor.

“Right, Steven, my butt will hit the floor while I try to look at the treat. Do you know why that phenomenon occurs?”

You know what, Iggy? I actually don’t know exactly why. Can you explain it to me?

“Sure!”

Good boy!

“It’s because I’m a moron!”

What?

Stop it, Iggy. 

“Yep, I’m a complete moron who doesn’t know how to walk backwards! Oh, wait, no, I’m not a moron, I know how to walk backwards, and I’m gonna keep looking right at your hand without my butt hitting the floor, so just gimme the treat already.”

Iggy!

That’s okay, Karen. We’ll just try again. Iggy, can you sit?

“Are you serious?  No, I can’t sit, as a matter of fact.”

You can’t?

“Nope.  I’m a purebred Lithuanian Standing Dog.”

Sorry, what?

“We’re very rare.”

Iggy, cut it out.

”No knees.”

Stop that, Iggy!

“You should see me nap. It’s pathetic.”

Iggy!

“I look like a friggin’ fainting goat.”

Wait — a Lithuanian Standing Dog?

“No, you schmuck! Of course I can sit!”

I’m sorry, Steven, Iggy’s kind of… unusual.

Wow, yeah, he certainly is, isn’t he? So… um… yeah. To get Iggy to obey the command, we—

“Again with the obeying!”

Iggy!

“Fascist bastard!”

You know, Karen, if during the first lesson you don’t feel this class is right for you, we offer a full refund.

That’s a hint, isn’t it.

Kind of, yes.

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Karen 2 Comments

“Lemme go.”

No.

“Lemme go!”

No. You have to stay on the leash while the contractor is here to paint the house.

“Lemme go lemme go lemme go—“

No. I don’t want you getting into anything.

“But that guy is leaving!”

He’s coming back. He’s just getting stuff out of his truck.

“He’s never coming back!”

Relax, Iggy.

“You don’t understand! He petted me!”

I saw that.

“He has to live with us forever!”

No, he doesn’t. 

“Pleeeeaaase?”

No.  God, you’re needy.

“Never mind, I’ll find someone like him.”

What the — Iggy, did you just quote an Adele song?

“Oh, whoops, did I say that out loud?”

I’m disappointed in you. Do you know how pathetic that song is? She says the guy’s married now, so clearly they’ve been apart for a while. And she just shows up out of nowhere specifically to tell him she’s still not over him and she’ll find someone like him. Now, it’s fine to feel that way, but don’t show up and tell him that. If I’m the guy, I’m like, never mind, I’ll find someone to help me file a restraining order. Damn, woman, get on with your life!

“But maybe he scratched her ears. Did you ever think of that?”

What? Um… okay, fine. But that’s no excuse to throw your dignity out the window.

“Karen, I shriek hysterically at anyone I think I might like, remember?”

Hmm. Good point.

“Seriously, have we met?”

I get it.

“Try to be a bit more empathetic in the future.”

You win.

“Okay – OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD—“

What, Iggy?

“HE’S COMING BACK!”

Told you so.

Hey, Karen? I’ve just got to run out and get that extra baseboard to replace the damaged one.

Sure, that’s fine.

“You’re leaving?”

Yep, little fella, just have to get–

“DON’T FORGET ME, I BEG!”

Wow, Karen, your dog sure is friendly.

You have no idea.