Educating Iggy.

“Toy store! Yay!”

That’s right, Iggy! We’re in the toy store!

“Toys! Toys and treats! Happy Iggy!”

Yes, toys and treats. You’re going to get lots of treats!

“Yay, treats! Wait, who’s that guy?”

Hello, there, little guy! I’m Steven.

“Hi Steven! I’m Iggy! I love you a lot!” 

Well, that’s very sweet of you.

“You have treats! I can smell them! I love you I love you I love you!”

Would you like some treats, Iggy?

 “Yes I would! I would like some treats!”

Well, I’m sure you’ll earn plenty during your obedience lesson.

“Yay — wait, what the f—“

Language, Iggy.

“Karen, did he just say ‘obedience’?!”

He did.  Now shush — I need to hear what he’s saying.

Karen, today we’re going to work on getting your dog to obey a very basic command—

“Excuse me? ‘Obey’? Obey this, pal!”

Iggy, would you please stop licking your—

Okay, Iggy, I tell you what, let’s get straight to the treats.

“That’s better. Gimme the treats—hey, what are you doing?”

Hold on a moment, Iggy. Okay, Karen, watch what I do here. First, you hold the treat so he’ll look up at it —

“Hey! Gimme the treat!”

— then slowly move it over his head until he can’t see it. As he looks up and tries to look back, his butt will hit the floor.

“Right, Steven, my butt will hit the floor while I try to look at the treat. Do you know why that phenomenon occurs?”

You know what, Iggy? I actually don’t know exactly why. Can you explain it to me?


Good boy!

“It’s because I’m a moron!”


Stop it, Iggy. 

“Yep, I’m a complete moron who doesn’t know how to walk backwards! Oh, wait, no, I’m not a moron, I know how to walk backwards, and I’m gonna keep looking right at your hand without my butt hitting the floor, so just gimme the treat already.”


That’s okay, Karen. We’ll just try again. Iggy, can you sit?

“Are you serious?  No, I can’t sit, as a matter of fact.”

You can’t?

“Nope.  I’m a purebred Lithuanian Standing Dog.”

Sorry, what?

“We’re very rare.”

Iggy, cut it out.

”No knees.”

Stop that, Iggy!

“You should see me nap. It’s pathetic.”


“I look like a friggin’ fainting goat.”

Wait — a Lithuanian Standing Dog?

“No, you schmuck! Of course I can sit!”

I’m sorry, Steven, Iggy’s kind of… unusual.

Wow, yeah, he certainly is, isn’t he? So… um… yeah. To get Iggy to obey the command, we—

“Again with the obeying!”


“Fascist bastard!”

You know, Karen, if during the first lesson you don’t feel this class is right for you, we offer a full refund.

That’s a hint, isn’t it.

Kind of, yes.

12 thoughts on “Educating Iggy.

    1. He’s going every Sunday for six weeks. Next week we’re going to work on his habit of shrieking at every dog he sees. The trainer is either very brave or very foolish — not sure which.

    1. I get that a lot myself, except not on trains. Or rather, not only on trains. And not just when I’m reading something. Just sort of in general. πŸ™‚

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