Yo, cone of shame sucka, chewing on your stitches
M.C. Iggy’s in the waiting room sniffing all your bitchez —
Iggy, what’s going on?
“I got gold bling! And I got shot!”
Okay, whoa, hang on there, pup. You didn’t get shot, you got your shots. And that’s just an orange rabies vaccination tag.
“What! It took two of ’em to hold me back! I’m gangsta!”
Okay, Iggy, you’re gangsta.
Do you want your Shamrock McSqueakybear now?
“Hey Karen! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!”
Yes. Hey. Were you planning on saying anything else?
“Oh, wait, I mean yes! Yes! Remember that time it snowed a lot and it was really cold? And you were all worried about how I’d react when you walked me in the snow for the first time? And then I hardly noticed it and I wanted to stay outside and I was exploring and I was gonna sniff every single snowflake I could get my nose on? And you and Brian were trying to get me to come back inside ’cause you live in the south and don’t have really warm winter clothes? And you were freezing and miserable? And I just stayed right where I was?”
Yes, Iggy. What about it?
“That was great.“
“Da dum… da dum…”
What the —
“DA dum DA dum DA dum…”
Iggy, what are you doing?
“I’m not Iggy.”
All right. Where’s Iggy?
“I ate him.”
You ate him?
“I’m a shark.”
You’re a schnauzer, Iggy.
“I’m SCHNAUZER SHNA– SHAUZER SHARK– SNAUZ– no, wait, hang on.”
“Scharz — wait, no. Schnarker — no… Snauk… sch… zzzzzzzzzzz…”
Upon the couch the creature jumped
From chasing cats came he
The schnauzer shark, out like a light,
That sleeps the cozy seas.
We’re gonna need a bigger couch.
Gettin’ squeak toys in my mouth, I ain’t gonna let go
Make my human spend her money on me at the Petco
All the bitches play bow when I wag my tail
Pretty perfumed poodle playthings and they’re all for sale
All the ladies in the joint, let me hear you holla
M.C. Iggy in the hizzouse with the bling-bling collar!
What are you doing, Iggy?
“Rockin’ the mic! I got diamond bling!”
It’s not diamond bling, Iggy. It’s just a new ID tag with an updated phone number. And why are you piling up your squeak toys in your crate?
“Pimping my crib!”
Well, all right then —
Okay, you don’t have any idea what you’re saying, do you?
“Not really, no.”
UPDATE: I changed the title of this post; it used to be “Song of the Schnauzer.” See the comments for an explanation.
“Look at me! Look how cute I am!”
Yes, Iggy, you’re cute.
“I’ve even got one ear flopping near my eye!”
Yes, I see that.
“I’m way more adorable than a stupid wallet!”
That’s not the point —
“It’s just a boring black lump! I’m sweet! I have a fluffy little face!”
You chewed up my driver’s license and credit cards, Iggy.
“Heh. Yeah. It was fun.”
“Hi! Hi reader people! Hi hi hi hi hi! Hey, Karen, look! The Iggy Dialogues has a follower already!”
Impossible. This is just the first post here, and it’s not even published yet.
“No, really! Look! A follower!”
Let me see that… okay, Iggy, “MakeMoneyBusinessBlogging” is a spammer.
“Oooh, a spammer? Hi, spammer!”
Iggy, that’s not really a —
“I love MakeMoneyBusinessBlogging a lot!”
Whatever makes you happy.