“Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.”
Iggy?
“No no no no no no no no no–”
What?
“Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod no no no this is all wrong no no no no–”
What, Iggy? What is it??
“EVERYTHING’S SIDEWAYS!!!”
Oh, Christ. Iggy, turn your head.
“IT’S TOO TERRIFYING! I CAN’T LOOK AWAY!”
No, I meant–
“WHAT I’VE SEEN CAN’T BE UNSEEN!”
Forget it.
“COME BACK! I’M SUFFERING HERE — oh.”
“AAAAAAAGGGHHH!!”
What the —
“AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!! AAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!”
Iggy! What’s going on? It’s three in the morning!
“AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!! AAAARRROOOOOOOO!!!!”
What?!
“OUT THERE! AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!”
Is someone outside?
“AAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!”
Iggy! Did you see someone outside?!
“MAYBE!!!!!!!”
Maybe?
“YES!!!! MAYBE!!!! YES!!! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD–”
Oh no. Okay, I’ll call the police —
“I MEAN, NOT RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!! BUT STILL!!!! AAAAARRROOOOOOO!!”
Wait, is there someone outside or not?
“POSSIBLY!!!”
What do you mean, possibly?
“I MEAN IT’S WITHIN THE REALM OF MATHEMATICAL PROBABILITY THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW!!!!!”
Oh, for the love of — someone on our property?
“NOT NECESSARILY!!!!”
Ugh. Of course not. Iggy, if not our property, then where?
“SOMEWHERE!!!!!”
You’re shrieking because there’s someone somewhere.
“YES!!! AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! PEOPLE!!! IN… IN PLACES!!! PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!!”
I’m going back to bed.
“GOOD NIGHT, KAREN!!!!!”
Good night, Iggy.
“SLEEP WELL!!!!”
No, probably not.
“PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!! AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”
“Hey Karen?”
Yes, Iggy?
“I’ve been thinking.”
Have you now.
“Yes, and I’ve made a decision.”
What have you decided?
“I’ve decided that I’d like to be a service dog.”
Really?
“Yes. I’d be a great service dog.”
Well, a service dog is a very nice thing to be. I’ll find out what kind of training you have to get.
“I’ll need a poodle.”
What?
“To practice with.”
Practice what?
“Servicing.”
Yeah, no.
“Damn!”
“HEY KAREN!!! HEY KAREN!!! HEY KAREN!!! HEY KAREN!!!“
Hi Iggy.
“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!“
Thank you.
“HOW’S YOUR HEAD?!!!“
Fine.
“YOU SURE?!!!!“
Yes, Iggy, I’m sure. I didn’t drink last night, so I’m not hung over today.
“Oh.”
Happy New Year to you too.
“Whatever.”
Okay, let’s — ow!
“Cut it out!”
I just need —
“Forget it.”
Just —
“NO.”
OW.
“Whoops.”
Oh, great, I’m bleeding.
“Oh well.”
Want a bone?
“You’re kidding, right?”
Well —
“How stupid do you think I am?
Given how counterproductive your actions are right now, I’d say —
“I DON’T CARE!”
Aw–
“Stop it stop it stop it stop it–”
Iggy!
“–stop it stop it stop it–”
Iggy, come on!
“–stop it stop it stop it stop it–”
IGGY!
“–stop it stop it stop it stop it–”
YOU’RE ADOPTED!
”–stop– wait, what?”
PERFECT!
“Oh, you meant from the rescue! I knew that! Wait, did you just –”
All done!
“Dammit! You know, you really put the Christ in ‘Christ, you’re such a–‘”
Thank you, Iggy, that’s enough.
Merry Christmas from the cats, Brian, me, and Iggy whether he likes it or not.
“Oooh! Look! A tree! Oh boy oh boy oh boy!”
Yes, Iggy, it’s a Christmas tree.
“Oh boy oh boy oh boy!”
Calm down, Iggy.
“Oh boy oh boy oh boy! A tree for Christmas!”
Yes. I just said that.
“Thank you thank you thank you!”
Well, it’s for all of us, but you’re wel—
“I love the tree a lot! Happy Iggy! Happy Iggy!”
I’m glad.
“I hated peeing outside!”
What? Oh, no, that’s not what it’s for.
”But it’s a tree! That’s what all trees are for! Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Happy Iggy!”
It’s a decoration – hey! Put your leg down!
“What!”
You still have to pee outside.
“Not fair!”
Very fair, Iggy.
“The cats don’t pee outside! They don’t do anything outside! They go wherever they want in the house!”
No, they don’t go wherever they want in the house. They use litter.
“Oh yeah? Where?”
In the hall and downstairs bathrooms.
“Nuh-uh. They do not.”
Yes they do, Iggy.
“There’s no litter in those bathrooms. There’s just the buffets.”
The what?
“The buffets. In the plastic boxes. Nice of you to put those out, by the way.”
Brian!
What?
How often do you clean the litter boxes?
I don’t. I thought you did.
But there’s never anything in them!
“Speaking of which, hungry Iggy. Be right back.”
Get back here, Iggy!
“What!”
That’s not food!
“Yes it is!”
Iggy, trust me, it’s not—
“The cats said so!”
What?
“They said so when I first got here! I was like, ‘hey cats, what’s up,’ and they were like, ‘eat shit, Schnauzer,’ so I–”
Oh, no.
“Yeah. That was back before they started hating me.”
Iggy?
“What?”
Those buffet boxes are the litter. Don’t eat from there again.
“They pee there?”
Yes.
“Can I pee there?”
No.
“You suck.”
You think I suck now? That’s nothing. Here, hold still while I put this on you.
“What the — HEY!”
Yep, now I suck. Hold still.
“I should pee everywhere for this.” 
Aw, look at widdle Iggy!
“Zzzz–hmmph… huh?”
Who’s my toasty Iggy? You are! Yes you are! You’re my toasty Iggy!
“What?”
My toasty puppy!
“Seriously?”
Was my widdle Iggy puppy chilly?
“Well, actually–”
Uh oh. Who got a chilly widdle nose?
“What?”
Iggy got a chilly widdle nose!
“What are you–”
Is my chilly widdle Iggy cozy?
“Karen–”
Awww! Look at my cozy widdle Iggy puppy!
“WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND FIX THE DAMNED HEAT PUMP!”
Suck it up. That’s what you get for stealing my blanket. Widdle chilly Iggy puppy!
“Cut it out!”
The repair guy will be here this afternoon–
“Good.”
–widdle floofy-face!
“Ugh.”
The Iggy Dialogues 