“Hi.”
Hi, Iggy.
“‘Scuse me.”
Sure.
“Scooch over, please.”
This okay?
“More, please.”
How’s this?
“A little more, please. I wanna stretch a couple of my legs.”
Why don’t I just get up so you can have the entire couch to yourself?
“No, it’s okay –”
I was being sarcastic.
“– part of you has to be on the couch ‘cause I need a pillow.”
Oh, great.
“Hey. Does ‘sarcastic’ mean ‘pillowish’? ‘Cause yeah, you are. Hold still, please. G’night.”
“Hey Karen! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!”
What, Iggy?
“Hey!”
Yes. Hey. Were you planning on saying anything else?
“No!”
Okay —
“Oh, wait, I mean yes! Yes! Remember that time it snowed a lot and it was really cold? And you were all worried about how I’d react when you walked me in the snow for the first time? And then I hardly noticed it and I wanted to stay outside and I was exploring and I was gonna sniff every single snowflake I could get my nose on? And you and Brian were trying to get me to come back inside ’cause you live in the south and don’t have really warm winter clothes? And you were freezing and miserable? And I just stayed right where I was?”
Yes, Iggy. What about it?
“That was great.“
Hi, Iggy. What are you doing?
“Chewing on Kermit.”
That’s practically cannibalism, you know.
“What’s cannibalism?”
Eating your own.
“Eewwww. Disgusting! But I’m not a Muppet.”
You sure?
“AAAAGGGHHH!”
Yeah, it was mean. Serves him right for eating my wallet.
“Da dum… da dum…”
What the —
“DA dum DA dum DA dum…”
Iggy, what are you doing?
“I’m not Iggy.”
All right. Where’s Iggy?
“I ate him.”
You ate him?
“I’m a shark.”
You’re a schnauzer, Iggy.
“I’m SCHNAUZER SHNA– SHAUZER SHARK– SNAUZ– no, wait, hang on.”
Okay, then.
“Scharz — wait, no. Schnarker — no… Snauk… sch… zzzzzzzzzzz…”
Upon the couch the creature jumped
From chasing cats came he
The schnauzer shark, out like a light,
That sleeps the cozy seas.
We’re gonna need a bigger couch.
Iggy, you’re drenched!
“So?”
So get off the couch!
“You weren’t so worried about me being drenched when you made me pee outside in the rain!”
Oh, come on now.
“Mud a foot away from my face, all four of my feet in puddles –”
Stop whining, Iggy.
“– I can’t open an umbrella ’cause I have no thumbs –”
Tough. Get off the couch.
“Fine. If you need me, I’ll be rolling around on the bed.”
Of course you will.
Gettin’ squeak toys in my mouth, I ain’t gonna let go
Make my human spend her money on me at the Petco
All the bitches play bow when I wag my tail
Pretty perfumed poodle playthings and they’re all for sale
All the ladies in the joint, let me hear you holla
M.C. Iggy in the hizzouse with the bling-bling collar!
What are you doing, Iggy?
“Rockin’ the mic! I got diamond bling!”
It’s not diamond bling, Iggy. It’s just a new ID tag with an updated phone number. And why are you piling up your squeak toys in your crate?
“Pimping my crib!”
Well, all right then —
“I’m doggy-stylin’!”
Okay, you don’t have any idea what you’re saying, do you?
“Not really, no.”
UPDATE: I changed the title of this post; it used to be “Song of the Schnauzer.” See the comments for an explanation.
“Look at me! Look how cute I am!”
Yes, Iggy, you’re cute.
“I’ve even got one ear flopping near my eye!”
Yes, I see that.
“I’m way more adorable than a stupid wallet!”
That’s not the point —
“It’s just a boring black lump! I’m sweet! I have a fluffy little face!”
You chewed up my driver’s license and credit cards, Iggy.
“Heh. Yeah. It was fun.”
“Look. I’m sad. Close the laptop and play with me.”
I can’t right now, Iggy. I’m working. You know that. And where’s that music coming from?
“Huh? What music?”
My iPad! You downloaded a Sarah McLachlan album?
“No! I didn’t! I couldn’t, because I’m too depressed to move! All because you won’t play with me!”
Emotional-blackmailing freak.
“What! It works on TV!”
(If animals ever figure out iTunes, we’re doomed. We’ll be walking around weeping and giving them anything they want. And Sarah McLachlan will be able to buy entire vacation planets.)
“Hi! Hi reader people! Hi hi hi hi hi! Hey, Karen, look! The Iggy Dialogues has a follower already!”
Impossible. This is just the first post here, and it’s not even published yet.
“No, really! Look! A follower!”
Let me see that… okay, Iggy, “MakeMoneyBusinessBlogging” is a spammer.
“Oooh, a spammer? Hi, spammer!”
Iggy, that’s not really a —
“I love MakeMoneyBusinessBlogging a lot!”
Whatever makes you happy.
The Iggy Dialogues 