Iggy copes with loss.

“Hey, what did I win?”


“The photo contest.  What did I win?”

Oh, that.  Sorry, Iggy, you didn’t make the finals.

“What?!  I didn’t?”

I’m afraid not.

“But… but… *sniffle* you mean nobody thought I was cute?”

What the — are you crying, Iggy?

“They thought I was ugly!  They thought, ‘Ha, look at that stupid Schnauzer, thinking he can win a cute dog contest.  He’s all wormy and stupid and hideous!’  *sniffle* I bet they laughed at my picture!”

Aw, Iggy, no!  You got hundreds of votes!

“I bet they just felt sorry for me!”

Aw, hang on, let me open the crate.  Come here, I’ll scratch your ears.  

“No.  Don’t want anyone scratching my ugly ears!”

Don’t be like that.  Do you want a rib bone?


What about a chewy hedgehog?  You love those.


Is there anything you do want?  Your Kermit?  Your squeaky chicken?

*sniffle* I dunno.”

Come on, Iggy, name it.


If I can get it for you, I will.  I hate seeing you so sad.  A marrow bone?  How about some jerky?

*sniffle* Okay.”

Okay, what do you want?


You manipulative little–

“All perfumed and poofy-tailed–”


“–and shaved!”


“Another Schnauzer, then?”

No more dogs.

“A girl Schnauzer would work!  We can shave her!”

Nobody’s shaving any dogs, because we’re not getting any more dogs.

“She’d have to have her face shaved, in the very least.  The mustache and beard would just make her look menopausal.  Oh — no offense, Karen.”

Get back in the crate.


Iggy really wants your vote.

Hi, everyone.  Just a reminder that today is the last day you can vote for Iggy in that pet photo contest Iggy and I have been telling you about.

“That’s right, Karen.  It’s easy, reader people — click the link and you’ll go straight to my picture.  Simply click ‘vote’ and you’re done!  Karen says we’re getting a lot of votes but I shouldn’t get my hopes up because there are other dogs with more votes.”

Well, yeah, Iggy, it might be kind of a long shot, but it’s worth a try.

“Yep.  So please vote for me, reader people.”

Thank you.

“Or I’ll die.”

Wait, what?  You’re not going to die, Iggy.  It’s just a photo contest.

“Okay, vote for me or I’ll eat this kitten.”

You don’t have a kitten.

“The reader people don’t know that!  They can’t see what I’m doing right now!”

That doesn’t mean you can lie to them.  

“Yes it does!”

No, Iggy.  Nobody’s dying, nobody’s getting eaten.  

“I’m waving a crossbow around in a room full of bunnies, reader people!”

You’re in your crate with a chewy hedgehog and a toy sheep.  

“It’s gonna be a baby bunny bloodbath!”

No it isn’t.  


Stop it, Iggy.

“Well, can I get some bunnies?”


“One bunny?”


“I’d like one bunny and a crossbow, please.”


“How about a poodle?”

Lay down, Iggy.

“We’re gonna lose.”


Iggy approves a campaign ad.

Fluffy says he wants to win the Publix Paws Photo Contest to get a supermarket gift card for his human. What Fluffy doesn’t say is that he favors cutting funds for early childhood education.

Lulu likes to talk about how sweet she appears with a squeaky toy in her mouth and a tutu around her waist. But when will Lulu talk about ISIS? Or is Lulu a secret terrorist sympathizer?

And isn’t Bongo just adorable with his football chew toy? But if Bongo had his way, we’d all have Ebola right now.

Vote for Iggy so your children don’t end up imbecile hostages with Ebola.

I’m Iggy, and I approve this message.


Iggy asks for your vote.

“Hi reader people — Iggy here!  You know that photo contest Karen and I have mentioned before?  Well, it’s still going on.  You can vote every day through October 21st.  Karen looked at the vote count and thinks we might have a decent shot at making it to the finals!”

Well, I’m not entirely sure, but so far it’s going okay. 

“Yay!  So please click here to vote for me.”

Yes, Iggy and I would greatly appreciate it.  The link will take you straight to Iggy’s picture — just click the “vote” button and you’re done.

“Yes!  Vote for me!  Otherwise, so help me, I’ll pee on everything you hold dear!”


“What!  I want to be persuasive.”

Persuasive is fine.  Threatening is not.  Readers, I promise, Iggy won’t pee on any of your belongings.

“Just a little bit?”


“Fine.  Please vote for me, reader people, despite the fact that there will be no repercussions if you don’t.”

Much better, Iggy.



Vote for Iggy (again! And again, and again…)

“Hi everyone, Iggy here!  I’d like to take a moment to ask you to vote for me in this contest — it’s sponsored by a supermarket chain and the winner gets $750 in marrow bones and treats.”

Well, actually, it’s a $750 gift card to use in the supermarket.

“Yes.  On marrow bones and treats.”

Or, you know, human food.

“You don’t need human food.”


“Well, look at you.  You could afford to skip a meal or two.”

Watch it, Iggy.

“All of it?  My field of vision isn’t that big.”

You know, it would be easy for me to lose track of how many days you have left in that crate

“I kid!  I kid!  You’re gorgeous!”

Much better.

“You look like a poodle!”

Okay, this is backfiring.  Anyway, readers, please vote for Iggy.  You can vote once every day until the contest ends on October 21st.

“If you had a poofy tail, I’d swear you were a perfectly groomed purebred show dog!”

That’s enough, Iggy.

Vote for Iggy!

Hi readers, Karen here.  You know those Facebook contests — “vote very day for my goldfish and I’ll win a vacation to New Jersey,” that sort of thing?  Well, I entered one sponsored by a supermarket chain.  The prize is, appropriately enough, groceries.  Lots and lots of groceries.  I figure this can be Iggy’s way of contributing to the household since he refuses to get a job.  

“I heard that.  I can’t get a job — employers discriminate against heartworm sufferers.  Really, I should sue.”

Who would you sue?  Nobody’s ever turned you down for a job because of heartworms, Iggy.

“How do you know?”

You have to apply for a job before you can be turned down.

“Oh.  Well, I should sue anyway.”

For what?

“I dunno, just in general.”

You do that.

“After my nap.”

Okay, then.  Anyway, readers, I’ve uploaded Iggy’s picture to the contest website, and if you’re so inclined, you can vote for him here.  You can vote once per day, and it runs for the next couple of weeks.  

Thank you.