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See, this is why we don’t compliment Iggy.

Karen 9 Comments

“Hey, Karen! Do you read The Indecisive Eejit?”

I do. She’s got a fun perspective on things. And I see she said some very kind things about you today, didn’t she — wait, where are you going?

“Looking for the neighbor’s Chihuahua!”

Uh oh —

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“Hey Chihuahua! You hear that?! The Indecisive Eejit says I’m witty and funny!”

Yip yip yip yip!

“What’d you say, Chihuahua?”

Yip yip yip yip!

Iggy, what did I tell you about teasing other dogs?

“But he’s not a dog, he’s a Chihuahua! He’s just a pocket-sized piss dispenser!”

Iggy —

“Hey Chihuahua! You know what ‘Chihuahua’ is Spanish for? Chipmunk!”

Iggy, I don’t think that’s what it means —

Yip yip yip yip!

“Aw, look, the chipmunk is trying to bark!”

Yip yip yip yip!

“You know what? That’s really more like a squeak.”

Iggy —

“He’s all squeaky! Hey, neighbor lady, you might wanna oil your chipmunk!”

Okay, we’re going inside now.

“Witty and funny!”

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Thank you very much to The Indecisive Eejit. If you’re here because she sent you —

“HI READER PEOPLE! HI HI HI HI HI!! I’M WITTY AND FUNNY!”

— then welcome, thank you for stopping by —

“WITTY AND FUNNY!!!”

— and sorry about the noise.

M.C. Iggy back on the mic — so, you know, yo. Or something.

Karen 4 Comments

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Yo, cone of shame sucka, chewing on your stitches

M.C. Iggy’s in the waiting room sniffing all your bitchez —

Iggy, what’s going on?

“I got gold bling! And I got shot!”

Okay, whoa, hang on there, pup. You didn’t get shot, you got your shots. And that’s just an orange rabies vaccination tag.

“I’m gangsta!”

You’re schnauza.

“Gangsta!”

You sure?

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“What! It took two of ’em to hold me back! I’m gangsta!”

Okay, Iggy, you’re gangsta.

“Thank you.”

Do you want your Shamrock McSqueakybear now?

“Yes, please.”

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Good boy.

“Gangsta.”

Okay.

IGGY, SLEEPY.

Karen 3 Comments

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“Hi.”

Hi, Iggy.

“‘Scuse me.”

Sure.

“Scooch over, please.”

This okay?

“More, please.”

How’s this?

“A little more, please. I wanna stretch a couple of my legs.”

Why don’t I just get up so you can have the entire couch to yourself?

“No, it’s okay –”

I was being sarcastic.

“– part of you has to be on the couch ‘cause I need a pillow.”

Oh, great.

“Hey. Does ‘sarcastic’ mean ‘pillowish’? ‘Cause yeah, you are. Hold still, please. G’night.”

HEY!

Karen 3 Comments

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“Hey Karen! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!”

What, Iggy?

“Hey!”

Yes. Hey. Were you planning on saying anything else?

“No!”

Okay —

“Oh, wait, I mean yes! Yes! Remember that time it snowed a lot and it was really cold? And you were all worried about how I’d react when you walked me in the snow for the first time? And then I hardly noticed it and I wanted to stay outside and I was exploring and I was gonna sniff every single snowflake I could get my nose on? And you and Brian were trying to get me to come back inside ’cause you live in the south and don’t have really warm winter clothes? And you were freezing and miserable? And I just stayed right where I was?”

Yes, Iggy. What about it?

“That was great.“

TERROR HAS A NEW NAME.

Karen 3 Comments

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“Da dum… da dum…”

What the —

“DA dum DA dum DA dum…”

Iggy, what are you doing?

“I’m not Iggy.”

All right. Where’s Iggy?

“I ate him.”

You ate him?

“I’m a shark.”

You’re a schnauzer, Iggy.

“I’m SCHNAUZER SHNA– SHAUZER SHARK– SNAUZ– no, wait, hang on.”

Okay, then.

“Scharz — wait, no. Schnarker — no… Snauk… sch… zzzzzzzzzzz…”

Upon the couch the creature jumped
From chasing cats came he
The schnauzer shark, out like a light,
That sleeps the cozy seas.

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We’re gonna need a bigger couch.

RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD, AND IT SUCKS AND I HATE IT.

Karen Leave a comment

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Iggy, you’re drenched!

“So?”

So get off the couch!

“You weren’t so worried about me being drenched when you made me pee outside in the rain!”

Oh, come on now.

“Mud a foot away from my face, all four of my feet in puddles –”

Stop whining, Iggy.

“– I can’t open an umbrella ’cause I have no thumbs –”

Tough. Get off the couch.

“Fine. If you need me, I’ll be rolling around on the bed.”

Of course you will.

M.C. Iggy on the mic!

Karen 9 Comments

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Gettin’ squeak toys in my mouth, I ain’t gonna let go

Make my human spend her money on me at the Petco

All the bitches play bow when I wag my tail

Pretty perfumed poodle playthings and they’re all for sale

All the ladies in the joint, let me hear you holla

M.C. Iggy in the hizzouse with the bling-bling collar!

What are you doing, Iggy?

“Rockin’ the mic! I got diamond bling!”

It’s not diamond bling, Iggy. It’s just a new ID tag with an updated phone number. And why are you piling up your squeak toys in your crate?

“Pimping my crib!”

Well, all right then —

“I’m doggy-stylin’!”

Okay, you don’t have any idea what you’re saying, do you?

“Not really, no.”
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UPDATE: I changed the title of this post; it used to be “Song of the Schnauzer.” See the comments for an explanation.

Putting my money where his mouth is.

Karen 1 Comment

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“Look at me! Look how cute I am!”

Yes, Iggy, you’re cute.

“I’ve even got one ear flopping near my eye!”

Yes, I see that.

“I’m way more adorable than a stupid wallet!”

That’s not the point —

“It’s just a boring black lump! I’m sweet! I have a fluffy little face!”

You chewed up my driver’s license and credit cards, Iggy.

“Heh. Yeah. It was fun.”

This’ll work!

Karen 4 Comments

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“Look. I’m sad. Close the laptop and play with me.”

I can’t right now, Iggy. I’m working. You know that. And where’s that music coming from?

“Huh? What music?”

My iPad! You downloaded a Sarah McLachlan album?

“No! I didn’t! I couldn’t, because I’m too depressed to move! All because you won’t play with me!”

Emotional-blackmailing freak.

“What! It works on TV!”

(If animals ever figure out iTunes, we’re doomed. We’ll be walking around weeping and giving them anything they want. And Sarah McLachlan will be able to buy entire vacation planets.)