“Oooh! Look! A tree! Oh boy oh boy oh boy!”

Yes, Iggy, it’s a Christmas tree.

“Oh boy oh boy oh boy!”

Calm down, Iggy.

“Oh boy oh boy oh boy! A tree for Christmas!”

Yes. I just said that.

“Thank you thank you thank you!”

Well, it’s for all of us, but you’re wel—

“I love the tree a lot! Happy Iggy! Happy Iggy!”

I’m glad.

“I hated peeing outside!”

What? Oh, no, that’s not what it’s for.

”But it’s a tree! That’s what all trees are for! Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Happy Iggy!”

It’s a decoration – hey! Put your leg down!

“What!”

You still have to pee outside.

“Not fair!”

Very fair, Iggy.

“The cats don’t pee outside! They don’t do anything outside! They go wherever they want in the house!”

No, they don’t go wherever they want in the house. They use litter.

“Oh yeah? Where?”

In the hall and downstairs bathrooms.

“Nuh-uh. They do not.”

Yes they do, Iggy.

“There’s no litter in those bathrooms. There’s just the buffets.”

The what?

“The buffets. In the plastic boxes. Nice of you to put those out, by the way.”

Brian!

What?

How often do you clean the litter boxes?

I don’t. I thought you did.

But there’s never anything in them! 

“Speaking of which, hungry Iggy. Be right back.”

Get back here, Iggy!

“What!”

That’s not food!

“Yes it is!”

Iggy, trust me, it’s not—

“The cats said so!”

What?

“They said so when I first got here! I was like, ‘hey cats, what’s up,’ and they were like, ‘eat shit, Schnauzer,’ so I–”

Oh, no.

“Yeah. That was back before they started hating me.”

Iggy?

“What?”

Those buffet boxes are the litter.  Don’t eat from there again.

“They pee there?”

Yes.

“Can I pee there?”

No.

“You suck.”

You think I suck now?  That’s nothing.  Here, hold still while I put this on you.

“What the — HEY!”

Yep, now I suck.  Hold still.

“I should pee everywhere for this.”