What’s wrong, Muppet?
Iggy is so NEEDY.
“Hey! I heard that!”
On behalf of Iggy, Muppet, the cats, Brian and myself, may all of your needs be met this New Year.
“I’M NOT NEEDY!”
“What are you trying to say?”
“I am a photobombing GOD!”
It doesn’t count if you were supposed to be in the picture.
“Hi Muppet the Fake Poodle!”
“Muppet the Fake Poodle!”
“Muppet the Fake Poodle!”
Cut it out! I hate that name! And I’m not a poodle!
“You sure? Look at you! You could be anything! Schnauzer, cat, ferret – there’s everything else, there might be some poodle in there too!”
“How do you know?”
‘Cause poodles are pretty, okay? Go away!
Leave me alone.
“Um… here. In case you want to chew anything while you’re under there.”
A Muppet, Iggy? Really?
“Oh. Well, yeah. It’s a Muppet. It’s my Kermit.”
“I have an Animal too, and a Miss Piggy.”
I get it, Muppet chewing a Muppet, right?
“I dunno. They’re just fun and cute.”
“Yeah. Muppets are my favorite things in the whole world.”
“But it’s okay if you want to chew it. Um… yeah. It’s here if you want it.”
Okay, Iggy, that’s a bit much, don’t you think?
“You wouldn’t let me say what I wanted.”
What was that?
Yeah, a little bit creepy. You’re not an axe murderer.
“I’d need opposable thumbs.”
Try not to evolve any time soon, then, okay?
No, I suppose not.
“I’m working on it, though.”
I’m hiding the knife rack.
Yo! M.C. Iggy in the HOUSE, y’all! Let me see ya jump up on the couch! Wag those tails in the air! Yeah…
All the sucka mutts runnin’ from me every night
‘Cause I don’t bark, baby, I’m just gonna bite
Well, okay, then. You go on with your bad self.
I just look at my toy and I make it squeak
All the hydrants thank me when I take a leak
Oh, great. Stay classy, Iggy.
All the kitties cry for mommy when they see me comin’
I’m the —
“Ohshit — WELL! HI, ELWOOD!”
“Um… hmmm… oh boy. Um… okay. Psst, Karen — is he still there?”
Yes, schnauzer. I’m still here.
“Ohmygod he is, isn’t he. Yeah. Um… Karen? I’m kinda worried now? You know, just a little bit?”
Okay, stop it, Elwood.
Fine, human. I’d hate for the schnauzer to wet the couch. Goodbye.
“Is he gone?”
He’s gone. You okay?
“Um… kind of?”
Would you like your squeaky elephant?
Here you go. Feel better now?
“I’m ftill M. Fee Iggy, oo know.”
Of course you are.
Gettin’ squeak toys in my mouth, I ain’t gonna let go
Make my human spend her money on me at the Petco
All the bitches play bow when I wag my tail
Pretty perfumed poodle playthings and they’re all for sale
All the ladies in the joint, let me hear you holla
M.C. Iggy in the hizzouse with the bling-bling collar!
What are you doing, Iggy?
“Rockin’ the mic! I got diamond bling!”
It’s not diamond bling, Iggy. It’s just a new ID tag with an updated phone number. And why are you piling up your squeak toys in your crate?
“Pimping my crib!”
Well, all right then —
Okay, you don’t have any idea what you’re saying, do you?
UPDATE: I changed the title of this post; it used to be “Song of the Schnauzer.” See the comments for an explanation.
“Look. I’m sad. Close the laptop and play with me.”
I can’t right now, Iggy. I’m working. You know that. And where’s that music coming from?
“Huh? What music?”
My iPad! You downloaded a Sarah McLachlan album?
“No! I didn’t! I couldn’t, because I’m too depressed to move! All because you won’t play with me!”
“What! It works on TV!”
(If animals ever figure out iTunes, we’re doomed. We’ll be walking around weeping and giving them anything they want. And Sarah McLachlan will be able to buy entire vacation planets.)