Hi, Iggy. What are you doing?
“Chewing on Kermit.”
That’s practically cannibalism, you know.
“What’s cannibalism?”
Eating your own.
“Eewwww. Disgusting! But I’m not a Muppet.”
You sure?
“AAAAGGGHHH!”
Yeah, it was mean. Serves him right for eating my wallet.
“Da dum… da dum…”
What the —
“DA dum DA dum DA dum…”
Iggy, what are you doing?
“I’m not Iggy.”
All right. Where’s Iggy?
“I ate him.”
You ate him?
“I’m a shark.”
You’re a schnauzer, Iggy.
“I’m SCHNAUZER SHNA– SHAUZER SHARK– SNAUZ– no, wait, hang on.”
Okay, then.
“Scharz — wait, no. Schnarker — no… Snauk… sch… zzzzzzzzzzz…”
Upon the couch the creature jumped
From chasing cats came he
The schnauzer shark, out like a light,
That sleeps the cozy seas.
We’re gonna need a bigger couch.
Iggy, you’re drenched!
“So?”
So get off the couch!
“You weren’t so worried about me being drenched when you made me pee outside in the rain!”
Oh, come on now.
“Mud a foot away from my face, all four of my feet in puddles –”
Stop whining, Iggy.
“– I can’t open an umbrella ’cause I have no thumbs –”
Tough. Get off the couch.
“Fine. If you need me, I’ll be rolling around on the bed.”
Of course you will.
Gettin’ squeak toys in my mouth, I ain’t gonna let go
Make my human spend her money on me at the Petco
All the bitches play bow when I wag my tail
Pretty perfumed poodle playthings and they’re all for sale
All the ladies in the joint, let me hear you holla
M.C. Iggy in the hizzouse with the bling-bling collar!
What are you doing, Iggy?
“Rockin’ the mic! I got diamond bling!”
It’s not diamond bling, Iggy. It’s just a new ID tag with an updated phone number. And why are you piling up your squeak toys in your crate?
“Pimping my crib!”
Well, all right then —
“I’m doggy-stylin’!”
Okay, you don’t have any idea what you’re saying, do you?
“Not really, no.”
UPDATE: I changed the title of this post; it used to be “Song of the Schnauzer.” See the comments for an explanation.
The Iggy Dialogues 