Category Humor

This is why we can’t have nice things.

Karen 1 Comment

“Hmm.  These boots don’t smell familiar.”

They’re new.

“Oh, that explains it. They’re nice.”

Thank you.

“Can I eat them?”

No.

“Okay, I won’t.”

Good.

“How about now?”

No.  You can’t eat them, Iggy.

“Okay, I understand.”

Thank you.

“I’ll wait until you take them off.”

No, you won’t.

“Then I can eat them now?”

No!

“Okay.”  

Okay.

“I can wait.”

No, you can’t eat them at all!

“Oh.  Okay.”

Thank you.

“How about now?”

Ugh.  I’m going inside.

Hello, human. 

Hi, Elwood. 

Nice footwear. 

Thank you, Elwood.

Tasty.

 Dammit.

Watchdog, people.

Karen 10 Comments

Iggy, do you hear that?

“Huh?”

That noise.

“Huh?”

Outside. Garbage pickup. You know, loud truck, banging noises, right in front of the house. Shouldn’t you be at the window barking at them and guarding your territory?

“Oh. Yeah. Ufff.”

Gesundheit.

“No, that was it.”

What?

“Ufff. Done. Wake me for dinner, will you?”

You’ll be up by then. You get dinner at 8:30 in the evening. You know that.

“I meant your dinner.”

Nope.

“Eh. G’night.”

Yes, Iggy did, in fact, just react to the garbage truck noises in front of the house by opening his eyes, letting out a lazy “ufff,” and staying on the couch.  Because watchdog, people.

Iggy thinks about stuff.

Karen 16 Comments

Good boy, Iggy! Get the Kermit!

“Yeaahhh… no.”

What’s wrong, Iggy?

“Nothing.”

Come on, Iggy, you can tell me. What’s bothering you?

“Just… is this it? Eating, sleeping, pooping, chewing? Is this all there is to life?”

Wow, Iggy. I suppose so. But —

“YAAAAYYY! I was SO WORRIED! I’M A HAPPY IGGY! GIMME KERMIT!!”

Oh.  Okay, I’m glad you’re good with that.

“Hell yeah!  This is way better than having a job and doing laundry and stuff!”

Well –

“HA!  You got SO HOSED!”

Great.

Iggy, contrite.

Karen 9 Comments

“Hey!  Lemme in!”

No, you can stay out there a little while longer.

“Come on!”

Nope.

“Okay!  You win!”

What was that?  Did you say something?

“You win!”

Anything else?

“Ugh.  Okay.  I’m sorry.”

For what?

“I’m sorry I stole your Zippo.”

A little better.

“And I’m sorry I spilled the container of gasoline.”

Okay, anything else?

“I’m sorry I burned down half the porch.”

Okay.

“Can I come in now?

You can.

“That was scary.  Can I lay on the couch next to you?”

Okay, come on up.

“You know, I just wanted to set fire to the neighbor’s Chihuahua.”

Drop it, Iggy —

“Not even all of him! I just wanted to light the tip of his tail!”

Iggy — 

“Like a fuse!”

Iggy —

“A furry little yip bomb!”

No.

“Ha ha!  ‘Yip yip yip BOOM!'”  

“Heh.  Yeah.”

 Iggy.

“Yeah?”

Get back outside.

“Aw, dammit.”

Sing Along with Iggy.

Karen 10 Comments

“Hi reader people!  Iggy here!  Do you like music?  I like music!  Especially CDs.  I know everyone downloads music now, but MP3s just don’t sound the same.  And of course, I can’t chew MP3s.”

 

“Anyway, Karen’s going to have a lot going on today, so I thought instead of her doing the blog, I’d lead everyone in a sing-along.”

That’s nice of you, Iggy, but I really don’t have much I need to do —

“No no no!  It’s okay, I want to!  Just to say thanks, since you adopted me from the rescue and all.”

Aw, Iggy, that’s sweet of you.

“Um… yeah.  Anyway, I thought we could sing a Johnny Cash song.  Is everyone ready?  Okay, let’s sing!  I fell into a burning thing on fire –“ 

Iggy, it’s ‘ring of fire.’

“What?”

It’s ‘ring of fire.’  You said ‘thing on fire.’

“Did I?  Ah… well… actually, um, funny story –“

Iggy, why am I smelling smoke?

“WHAT?  SMOKE?  OH MY GOD.  What smoke?  I dunno?  I wasn’t here?”

 What the hell?! 

“You never spent much time on the porch anyway.” 

AAAAGGGHH!

Iggy welcomes me home, and I give you the last five Very Inspiring Bloggers.

Karen 4 Comments

“OHMYGODYOU’REHOME!!!”

Aw Iggy, I missed you too–

“WHADJABUYME?! WHADJABUYME?! WHADJABUYME?! WHADJABUYME?!” 

Oh.  Well.  Sorry, Iggy, I didn’t see any dog toys at IKEA. 

“Then what DID you buy?!” 

Well, I got some cushions for the kitchen chairs — 

“Okay, I’ll chew those!  YAY!!!” 

Hold on, Iggy — 

“OHBOYIGOTCHEWCUSHIONSIGOTCHEWCUSHIONS!!!!”

Wonderful.  While I’m trying to keep Iggy from doing any further damage, here are the last five blogs nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award:

Slightly Chilled Porcupine.  One-panel drawings, offbeat and hilarious.  If you don’t like one, try another — you’re guaranteed to find something that’ll make you laugh out loud.

The Hillbilly Blogger.  Look!  He’s a hillbilly!  He’s a blogger!  He’s Tim Taylor, The Hillbilly Blogger!  Sometimes he writes about little things, sometimes he gets into the deep stuff.  Always a good read.

Harleyquinnly.  A talented young woman whose writing brings me back to when I was her age (not THAT long ago, so stop that) — she captures it perfectly.  In fact, her most recent post talks about her current line of work, and perfectly sums up why I no longer do that particular job. 

Waiting For the Karma Truck.  Very different from Harleyquinnly; for this blogger, a bit more time has passed.  (I’m not sure they’d have been that similar if they were the same age, though, but that’s what’s cool about this — different voices, different viewpoints.  But I digress.)  Beautifully written.  Where I am in life is probably about halfway between Harleyquinnly and Waiting For the Karma Truck, and as time goes on I find myself identifying more and more with WFtKT’s take.  The big difference is that she’s amazing at putting it all into words, whereas I just flail about and wonder what’s going on.  Did I mention that it’s beautifully written?  I did?  Well, I’m right — it is.

And last but not least:

I’m not telling you.  

Find that blog yourself.  Go into my comments section, and click on some commenters’ names.  Or click the gravatars of people who’ve liked my posts, and when you get to their profiles, click the links to their sites.  They’re all good.  You’ll find blogs that inspire you, make you laugh, make you think, make you feel like you’re somewhere else for a while, or just offer you a good read to help you kill some time.  Whatever they do for you, though, you’ll be glad you checked them out.

“Oooh!  Way to stick the landing!”

Thank you, Iggy.

“Oh, you got the gymnastics reference?”

I did.

“I wouldn’t have expected that.”  

Why not?

“Well, I mean, look at you.”

Thanks, Iggy.

“Not exactly athletic.”

Okay, Iggy.

“More sort of roly-poly –”

That’s enough, Iggy.

Iggy helps out.

Karen 10 Comments

“Hi!”

Hi, Iggy.

“Are you doing another post?”

I am. I have to provide links to five more bloggers, and I also have to choose the photos, edit them so they’re presentable, and —

“Wow. There’s a lot of work involved.”

Well, yeah, I mean, it’s fun, but it can be time-consuming sometimes.

“I had no idea. Can I help you with it?”

Thank you, Iggy.  I’d really appreciate that.  

“You’re welcome!  Can I put my head on your knee?  Just so I can see the screen better.”

All right.

“Let me just get settled in, okay?”

 

 

Well, that’s certainly helpful of him.

Anyway, here are the next five Very Inspiring Bloggers:

I Miss You When I Blink.  Mary Laura Philpott, who actually gets to write for a living; fortunately for us, we get to read her funny blog for free.  And there are penguins, so even if you’re a Philistine who doesn’t appreciate good writing when you’re reading it, hey, penguins. 

I’ve Become My Parents.  Anonymous blogging about parenthood.  He doesn’t update too frequently, but he’s hilarious and completely worth the wait.  Go.  Read.  

Musings from 62 Inches Above Sea Level.  Aqueelah Muhammad’s “About” description says, among other things, “Sarcasm is my first language…” which tells you right there that she’s cool.  She was recently laid off — I’m sorry, “rightsized.”  But she’s handling it with a humorous, nerdy style.  Humorous, stylish nerdiness?  Nerdy, stylish humor?  Ah, go read and decide for yourself.

Olaroma.  Another fairly new blog, started a couple of months ago by Olga, a Russian woman who’s keeping a blog to improve her English.  While there are some grammatical errors, her English isn’t bad at all and her meaning is always clear.  I admire her for writing in a relatively unfamiliar language; I’ve tried learning other languages, and I’m a complete failure at it.  Oh, did I mention her pictures?  Yes, this is another blog showing me an unfamiliar country through the eyes of a native with a real knack for photography.  I love this stuff.

JED’s Playhouse.  The subheading:  “Full of Beer, Sports, and a little fiction.”  Want good writing?  Sure you do.  There it is.

Ten down, five to go. 

Return of the Son of Iggy, Ungr– ah, never mind.

Karen 17 Comments

“Hey Karen?”

Not now, Iggy.  I have to list 15 blogs for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.

“Can’t.”

Well yeah, it’s difficult to narrow down, but it’s not impossible —  

“No, you can’t ‘cause I wanna go outside.”

You can wait a little while.

“No!”

Excuse me, did you just say no?

“Gotta pee.”

Oh. Okay. Where’s your leash?

“Where you left it.”

You know, other dogs, when they have to go out, go get the leash and bring it to whoever is going to walk them.

Why?

Well, it’s a nice thing to do. Plus it tells the person when the dog needs to be walked.

“I already tell you when I need to be walked.”

Yes. By getting hysterical and scratching everything in sight. I was hoping you could find a way that would do less damage. Just to save me money.

“My way works.”

Other ways work too.

“Sure! Like peeing on the carpet. I mean, I don’t think scratching smells as much, but if you prefer –”

Never mind.  Come on.

“Nice day for it.”

Hurry up, Iggy — I need to get back inside and come up with that list.

“Fine, I’m done.  Wait a minute –”

What?

“Well, hello, little mousedog!”

Yip yip yip yip yip!

 Oh, no, Iggy, don’t start with the neighbor’s dog.

“It’s not a dog — it’s a barking hamster!”  

Yip yip yip yip yip!

Yip yip yip yip yip! 

“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me!”

“What, is there a nest of you freaks in a drainpipe or something? Do I need to put out traps?”

Yip yip yip yip yip!

“Hang on, are you snarling? WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT? Those aren’t teeth!”

Yip yip yip yip yip!

Iggy, come on, we’re going home now. 

“Seriously, my groomer has nastier weapons than those teeth, and the only thing she ends up doing to me is making me smell like flowers!”

COME, Iggy.  Right NOW!

“Fine.  By the way, Karen, we gotta talk about that thing with the groomer and the smells. It’s ‘therapy dog,’ not ‘aromatherapy dog.'”

Oh, do you want to be a therapy dog?

“No. Your issues are your problem.”

It’s not that kind of therapy.

“Don’t care. Can you please do something about that groomer about her smells?”

Hey, I don’t like it either. It’s just a whole new way for you to give me a headache.

“Hey!”

Now go sit quietly while I give people the list of bloggers that I’m nominating for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.

“Fine.”

Hello, readers.  During my walk with Iggy it occurred to me that 15 links is a lot not only for me, but for you.  I’m going to link to blogs that I enjoy and that I hope you enjoy as well, but it’s pretty difficult for you to sit back and enjoy them if you get over a dozen thrown at you all at once.  So instead, I’m going to do five per day over three days, so you have time to check out all of the blogs. 

“Wow!  You can rationalize laziness like no human I’ve ever seen!”

Damned right, Iggy!  Anyway, readers, here are the first five, in no particular order.  Some of them have been nominated in the past, but not by me, so I think it still counts.

The Indecisive Eejit.  Because her blog isn’t so much a blog as a party, and she’s the best party hostess on the Interwebs.

Ben’s Bitter Blog.  Every post is a new way to view things negatively, and he inspired me to be ashamed to have seen Gravity.  

The Mental Mama.  A bit about life, a bit about work, a bit about the ups and downs of relationships, a bit about living with bipolar disorder, and a whole lot of humor.

Days and Months.  I love reading blogs kept by people who live far away, and seeing their countries through their eyes.  Days and Months is by Karen Gosper in New South Wales, who is working on her photography skills, and treating us to the gorgeous results. 

Forgotten NZ.  In the same vein as Days and Months, but she photographs abandoned and forgotten structures in New Zealand.

Five more tomorrow.

“You’re milking this award thing so you don’t have to think of new stuff to post every day, aren’t you?”

Yes, Iggy, I am.  What a smart boy!

Iggy, Ungrateful Part II

Karen 14 Comments

“Hi, reader people! Iggy here! Karen’s cleaning up the kitchen from yesterday, so I’m handing the blog today.”

No you’re not, Iggy! I told you I’m doing it tonight, after I get rid of the remains your failed Squeakymeat prototype.  You go lay down until I’m done.

“Oh, all right.” 

Good boy.  I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.

“Yeah, reader people, she’ll be a while. So anyway, Donna at MyOBT nominated The Iggy Dialogues for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award. There are some rules we have to follow, and I’m going to handle that while Karen’s fixing everything the kitchen.”

Iggy, what are you doing?

“Nothing! Just hanging in the living room, laying on my bed!”

Good boy! Stay there for now – I can’t clean this stuff off of the wall until I figure out what it is.

“Yep! Anyway, reader people, according to this list, there are five things I have to do. Hmmm… okay, it says here that first, I have to thank and link to the amazing person who nominated us. Okay: thank you, Donna, for your award which contains nothing edible at all and doesn’t even make squeaky noises but Karen says I’m being ungrateful so I’ll stop pointing that out. And the link is above. Okay, got that done.

“Second, I have to list the rules and display the award. Hmm. That’s really second and third, isn’t it? No matter. Anyway, we’re in the middle of the list now so that part will be done soon enough. And here’s the award. See? I’m inspiring!”

Hey, Iggy? Why is the inside of the stove all sticky?

“I dunno! Anyway, reader people, it says the third rule is that I have to tell you seven facts about myself. I’ll do those in a minute. The fourth is that I have to… hmmm… nominate 15 bloggers and comment on their blogs to let them know they’re nominated. Um… I can’t count that high, so Karen will have do to that.”

Iggy, did you just say I have to do something?

“What?! No! Um… yeah! I’m not allowed to get up from my bed yet ‘cause you told me to stay, so you have to say when I can get up!”

That’s right, Iggy. And can you tell me how the hell you managed to block the entire air conditioning duct?

“Something spilled! Sorry!”

Spilled? It’s a solid!

“It wasn’t when I mixed it!”

Great. That’s helpful.

“Okay, seven facts about myself:

  • “I was going through a long-haired hippie phase when I first met Karen at the rescue.”

  • “I can write haikus off the top of my head. Here’s one about the award.”

I inspire, yet I
Am not given any meat
Or squeaky things. Why?

Iggy, did you just rattle off a haiku complaining about the Very Inspiring Blogger Award? What did I tell you about being ungrateful?

“Sorry!”

Are you staying on your bed?

“Yes!”

Okay.

  • “People think I look like a movie star.”

  • “I’m a very serious schnauzer.”

  • “I am SEX-AY. Hello, ladies!”

  • “I think Joan Jett is starting to look like Liza Minnelli.”

“And the final thing about me is that I probably can’t count to seven, although I’ve never tried. So now the last rule left to follow is to proudly display the award logo on the blog and follow the blogger who nominated us. Hmm. Karen should display the award later when she does the 15 links, ‘cause we’re not finished with the rules yet and it wouldn’t be nice to show off an award we haven’t earned yet even if there’s no meat or squeakiness involved but that’s okay I’m not complaining. Hey Karen? Are you following MyOBT?”

Yes, I am. Why?

“Well, she gave us that award and stuff.”

I know. I was already following her, though. Anyone who likes The Wailing Jennys must be followed. Now Iggy, you have to stay on your bed for a while longer — I need to go get a chisel for the dishwasher.  We won’t be doing anything with the blog tonight — I’ll handle the Inspiring Blogger Award thing tomorrow.

“Okay! I’m not posting anything!”

Good boy!

“HEE!”