“No no no no no no no!”

Aw, come on, Iggy, let me take a picture.

“No!”

Why not?

“You do this all the time. As soon as I settle in to an activity, or lay down for a nap, you go ‘oh how adorable’ and you take pictures. Then you post them on that stupid blog for everyone to see.”

You make it sound like it’s some horrible, intrusive –

“It is intrusive! Did you ever ask if I wanted to be put on display in front of millions of people?”

It’s hardly millions, Iggy.

“Okay, hundreds of thousands, then. I swear, it’s like living with my own personal paparazzi. I can’t get a minute to myself!”

Not hundreds of thousands either.

“Tens of thousands?”

Fewer.

“How much fewer?”

Eighty-two.

“Eighty-two fewer than tens of thousands? Um… nine thousand – no, wait, nine hundred nine? Nine thousand hundred… wait –”

No, Iggy –

“I know, that’s wrong. Nine… no. Ninety-nine… ninety… ninety-ninety-ninety? Yeah. Ninety-ninety-ninety. Hang on, that can’t be right.”

No, I mean not tens of thousands –

“Purple!”

What?

“Purple is less than thousands, right?”

What are you talking –

“Fish hundred purple!”

You all right?

“Aw, now I’m confused. Math is numbers, right? Purple’s a number – no, wait. Is it? I’m lost! HELP ME! I DID TOO MUCH MATH!”

Okay, Iggy, let’s start again. The blog doesn’t have tens of thousands of followers.

“Thousands is less than millions, and… um… purple is less than thousands? Spoon? No, wait.”

Iggy –

“I can count to five sometimes.”

The blog has eighty-two followers.

“Eighty-two followers?”

Yep.

“Oh. Okay. Is that a lot?”

No, it’s not a lot at all.

“Oh.”

Most people don’t see the pictures I post, so you have nothing to worry about. You’re extremely anonymous.

“So there aren’t millions of people all clamoring for me?”

Nope. Hardly anyone sees you.

“Oh. Um… that’s fine. Eighty-two is a nice number, I guess.”

I’m glad you feel that way.

“‘Cause I suppose having an adoring public might be okay, but it could probably get overbearing after a while.”

That’s a good perspective to have.

“Ugh.”

What’s wrong?

“Only eighty-two followers?!”

Where are you going?

“Clearly your photos aren’t that interesting if we only have eighty-two followers.”

Wait, what are you doing?

“Give me a second, let me get comfortable. Okay, quick, get this shot!”

What on earth –

“Come on! A fluffy mini Schnauzer with a ukulele on his head! That should get the blog some eyeballs!”

I thought you didn’t want –

“Shut up and take the picture!”

Ugh. Fine.

“Lemme know the numbers you get for this one. If this doesn’t work, maybe you could get me some outfits.”

I am not dressing you up, Iggy. Have some dignity.

“I have lots of dignity!”

You sure?

“Plenty!”

Right.

“Millions of dignity!”

That’s not how –

“Purple million and platypus dignity, in fact!”

Okay, then –

“Top that!”

I can’t.