Tag humor

Smart shopping.

Karen 10 Comments

“What’s that sound?”

Do you like it?

“No. It’s annoying.”

It’s Through a Dog’s Ear, Volume 1.

“What, you mean like Sticking Knitting Needles Through a Dog’s Ear, Volume 1? ‘Cause that’s how annoying it is.”

It’s just classical music.

“What’s it for?”

To relax dogs.

“Which dogs? The stupid ones?”

All dogs.

“Oh. Well, then feed me Friskies and call me a cat, ‘cause this noise is just pissing me off.”

You just yawned, though.

“Huh? Oh. Well, being this annoyed is exhausting.”

Oh, okay. Sure.

“I tell you what. You want me to relax? Feed me jerky and scratch my ears.”

I do that. It doesn’t calm you down.

“You don’t do it long enough!  You keep stopping!”

What?

“You keep coming up with excuses!”

What excuses?

“’What excuses.’ Oh, please. It’s always, ‘No Iggy, I’m typing.’”

Well, if I’m working from home I need to–

“Or ‘No Iggy, I’m trying to sleep,’ or ‘No Iggy, I’m driving,’ or ‘No Iggy, I have to go to work now.’”

Well, if you–

“And then you just stop!  There I am, no jerky, ears unscratched!  You’ve always got some excuse to say ‘No Iggy, no Iggy, no Iggy!’”

Oh, now–

“And what about when I wanna eat the laundry? ‘No Iggy, no Iggy, no Iggy.’ All the time!”

You yawned again.

“Huh? Well… I’m bored! Bored with your excuses!”

Laying down, are you?

“Bored… zzzzzzz…”

Aaaaannd he’s out like a light.  That album might be the best ten bucks I ever spent. 

This is why we can’t have nice things.

Karen 1 Comment

“Hmm.  These boots don’t smell familiar.”

They’re new.

“Oh, that explains it. They’re nice.”

Thank you.

“Can I eat them?”

No.

“Okay, I won’t.”

Good.

“How about now?”

No.  You can’t eat them, Iggy.

“Okay, I understand.”

Thank you.

“I’ll wait until you take them off.”

No, you won’t.

“Then I can eat them now?”

No!

“Okay.”  

Okay.

“I can wait.”

No, you can’t eat them at all!

“Oh.  Okay.”

Thank you.

“How about now?”

Ugh.  I’m going inside.

Hello, human. 

Hi, Elwood. 

Nice footwear. 

Thank you, Elwood.

Tasty.

 Dammit.

Watchdog, people.

Karen 10 Comments

Iggy, do you hear that?

“Huh?”

That noise.

“Huh?”

Outside. Garbage pickup. You know, loud truck, banging noises, right in front of the house. Shouldn’t you be at the window barking at them and guarding your territory?

“Oh. Yeah. Ufff.”

Gesundheit.

“No, that was it.”

What?

“Ufff. Done. Wake me for dinner, will you?”

You’ll be up by then. You get dinner at 8:30 in the evening. You know that.

“I meant your dinner.”

Nope.

“Eh. G’night.”

Yes, Iggy did, in fact, just react to the garbage truck noises in front of the house by opening his eyes, letting out a lazy “ufff,” and staying on the couch.  Because watchdog, people.

Iggy thinks about stuff.

Karen 16 Comments

Good boy, Iggy! Get the Kermit!

“Yeaahhh… no.”

What’s wrong, Iggy?

“Nothing.”

Come on, Iggy, you can tell me. What’s bothering you?

“Just… is this it? Eating, sleeping, pooping, chewing? Is this all there is to life?”

Wow, Iggy. I suppose so. But —

“YAAAAYYY! I was SO WORRIED! I’M A HAPPY IGGY! GIMME KERMIT!!”

Oh.  Okay, I’m glad you’re good with that.

“Hell yeah!  This is way better than having a job and doing laundry and stuff!”

Well –

“HA!  You got SO HOSED!”

Great.

Iggy, contrite.

Karen 9 Comments

“Hey!  Lemme in!”

No, you can stay out there a little while longer.

“Come on!”

Nope.

“Okay!  You win!”

What was that?  Did you say something?

“You win!”

Anything else?

“Ugh.  Okay.  I’m sorry.”

For what?

“I’m sorry I stole your Zippo.”

A little better.

“And I’m sorry I spilled the container of gasoline.”

Okay, anything else?

“I’m sorry I burned down half the porch.”

Okay.

“Can I come in now?

You can.

“That was scary.  Can I lay on the couch next to you?”

Okay, come on up.

“You know, I just wanted to set fire to the neighbor’s Chihuahua.”

Drop it, Iggy —

“Not even all of him! I just wanted to light the tip of his tail!”

Iggy — 

“Like a fuse!”

Iggy —

“A furry little yip bomb!”

No.

“Ha ha!  ‘Yip yip yip BOOM!'”  

“Heh.  Yeah.”

 Iggy.

“Yeah?”

Get back outside.

“Aw, dammit.”

Sing Along with Iggy.

Karen 10 Comments

“Hi reader people!  Iggy here!  Do you like music?  I like music!  Especially CDs.  I know everyone downloads music now, but MP3s just don’t sound the same.  And of course, I can’t chew MP3s.”

 

“Anyway, Karen’s going to have a lot going on today, so I thought instead of her doing the blog, I’d lead everyone in a sing-along.”

That’s nice of you, Iggy, but I really don’t have much I need to do —

“No no no!  It’s okay, I want to!  Just to say thanks, since you adopted me from the rescue and all.”

Aw, Iggy, that’s sweet of you.

“Um… yeah.  Anyway, I thought we could sing a Johnny Cash song.  Is everyone ready?  Okay, let’s sing!  I fell into a burning thing on fire –“ 

Iggy, it’s ‘ring of fire.’

“What?”

It’s ‘ring of fire.’  You said ‘thing on fire.’

“Did I?  Ah… well… actually, um, funny story –“

Iggy, why am I smelling smoke?

“WHAT?  SMOKE?  OH MY GOD.  What smoke?  I dunno?  I wasn’t here?”

 What the hell?! 

“You never spent much time on the porch anyway.” 

AAAAGGGHH!

Iggy welcomes me home, and I give you the last five Very Inspiring Bloggers.

Karen 4 Comments

“OHMYGODYOU’REHOME!!!”

Aw Iggy, I missed you too–

“WHADJABUYME?! WHADJABUYME?! WHADJABUYME?! WHADJABUYME?!” 

Oh.  Well.  Sorry, Iggy, I didn’t see any dog toys at IKEA. 

“Then what DID you buy?!” 

Well, I got some cushions for the kitchen chairs — 

“Okay, I’ll chew those!  YAY!!!” 

Hold on, Iggy — 

“OHBOYIGOTCHEWCUSHIONSIGOTCHEWCUSHIONS!!!!”

Wonderful.  While I’m trying to keep Iggy from doing any further damage, here are the last five blogs nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award:

Slightly Chilled Porcupine.  One-panel drawings, offbeat and hilarious.  If you don’t like one, try another — you’re guaranteed to find something that’ll make you laugh out loud.

The Hillbilly Blogger.  Look!  He’s a hillbilly!  He’s a blogger!  He’s Tim Taylor, The Hillbilly Blogger!  Sometimes he writes about little things, sometimes he gets into the deep stuff.  Always a good read.

Harleyquinnly.  A talented young woman whose writing brings me back to when I was her age (not THAT long ago, so stop that) — she captures it perfectly.  In fact, her most recent post talks about her current line of work, and perfectly sums up why I no longer do that particular job. 

Waiting For the Karma Truck.  Very different from Harleyquinnly; for this blogger, a bit more time has passed.  (I’m not sure they’d have been that similar if they were the same age, though, but that’s what’s cool about this — different voices, different viewpoints.  But I digress.)  Beautifully written.  Where I am in life is probably about halfway between Harleyquinnly and Waiting For the Karma Truck, and as time goes on I find myself identifying more and more with WFtKT’s take.  The big difference is that she’s amazing at putting it all into words, whereas I just flail about and wonder what’s going on.  Did I mention that it’s beautifully written?  I did?  Well, I’m right — it is.

And last but not least:

I’m not telling you.  

Find that blog yourself.  Go into my comments section, and click on some commenters’ names.  Or click the gravatars of people who’ve liked my posts, and when you get to their profiles, click the links to their sites.  They’re all good.  You’ll find blogs that inspire you, make you laugh, make you think, make you feel like you’re somewhere else for a while, or just offer you a good read to help you kill some time.  Whatever they do for you, though, you’ll be glad you checked them out.

“Oooh!  Way to stick the landing!”

Thank you, Iggy.

“Oh, you got the gymnastics reference?”

I did.

“I wouldn’t have expected that.”  

Why not?

“Well, I mean, look at you.”

Thanks, Iggy.

“Not exactly athletic.”

Okay, Iggy.

“More sort of roly-poly –”

That’s enough, Iggy.

Iggy helps out.

Karen 10 Comments

“Hi!”

Hi, Iggy.

“Are you doing another post?”

I am. I have to provide links to five more bloggers, and I also have to choose the photos, edit them so they’re presentable, and —

“Wow. There’s a lot of work involved.”

Well, yeah, I mean, it’s fun, but it can be time-consuming sometimes.

“I had no idea. Can I help you with it?”

Thank you, Iggy.  I’d really appreciate that.  

“You’re welcome!  Can I put my head on your knee?  Just so I can see the screen better.”

All right.

“Let me just get settled in, okay?”

 

 

Well, that’s certainly helpful of him.

Anyway, here are the next five Very Inspiring Bloggers:

I Miss You When I Blink.  Mary Laura Philpott, who actually gets to write for a living; fortunately for us, we get to read her funny blog for free.  And there are penguins, so even if you’re a Philistine who doesn’t appreciate good writing when you’re reading it, hey, penguins. 

I’ve Become My Parents.  Anonymous blogging about parenthood.  He doesn’t update too frequently, but he’s hilarious and completely worth the wait.  Go.  Read.  

Musings from 62 Inches Above Sea Level.  Aqueelah Muhammad’s “About” description says, among other things, “Sarcasm is my first language…” which tells you right there that she’s cool.  She was recently laid off — I’m sorry, “rightsized.”  But she’s handling it with a humorous, nerdy style.  Humorous, stylish nerdiness?  Nerdy, stylish humor?  Ah, go read and decide for yourself.

Olaroma.  Another fairly new blog, started a couple of months ago by Olga, a Russian woman who’s keeping a blog to improve her English.  While there are some grammatical errors, her English isn’t bad at all and her meaning is always clear.  I admire her for writing in a relatively unfamiliar language; I’ve tried learning other languages, and I’m a complete failure at it.  Oh, did I mention her pictures?  Yes, this is another blog showing me an unfamiliar country through the eyes of a native with a real knack for photography.  I love this stuff.

JED’s Playhouse.  The subheading:  “Full of Beer, Sports, and a little fiction.”  Want good writing?  Sure you do.  There it is.

Ten down, five to go. 

Return of the Son of Iggy, Ungr– ah, never mind.

Karen 17 Comments

“Hey Karen?”

Not now, Iggy.  I have to list 15 blogs for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.

“Can’t.”

Well yeah, it’s difficult to narrow down, but it’s not impossible —  

“No, you can’t ‘cause I wanna go outside.”

You can wait a little while.

“No!”

Excuse me, did you just say no?

“Gotta pee.”

Oh. Okay. Where’s your leash?

“Where you left it.”

You know, other dogs, when they have to go out, go get the leash and bring it to whoever is going to walk them.

Why?

Well, it’s a nice thing to do. Plus it tells the person when the dog needs to be walked.

“I already tell you when I need to be walked.”

Yes. By getting hysterical and scratching everything in sight. I was hoping you could find a way that would do less damage. Just to save me money.

“My way works.”

Other ways work too.

“Sure! Like peeing on the carpet. I mean, I don’t think scratching smells as much, but if you prefer –”

Never mind.  Come on.

“Nice day for it.”

Hurry up, Iggy — I need to get back inside and come up with that list.

“Fine, I’m done.  Wait a minute –”

What?

“Well, hello, little mousedog!”

Yip yip yip yip yip!

 Oh, no, Iggy, don’t start with the neighbor’s dog.

“It’s not a dog — it’s a barking hamster!”  

Yip yip yip yip yip!

Yip yip yip yip yip! 

“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me!”

“What, is there a nest of you freaks in a drainpipe or something? Do I need to put out traps?”

Yip yip yip yip yip!

“Hang on, are you snarling? WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT? Those aren’t teeth!”

Yip yip yip yip yip!

Iggy, come on, we’re going home now. 

“Seriously, my groomer has nastier weapons than those teeth, and the only thing she ends up doing to me is making me smell like flowers!”

COME, Iggy.  Right NOW!

“Fine.  By the way, Karen, we gotta talk about that thing with the groomer and the smells. It’s ‘therapy dog,’ not ‘aromatherapy dog.'”

Oh, do you want to be a therapy dog?

“No. Your issues are your problem.”

It’s not that kind of therapy.

“Don’t care. Can you please do something about that groomer about her smells?”

Hey, I don’t like it either. It’s just a whole new way for you to give me a headache.

“Hey!”

Now go sit quietly while I give people the list of bloggers that I’m nominating for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.

“Fine.”

Hello, readers.  During my walk with Iggy it occurred to me that 15 links is a lot not only for me, but for you.  I’m going to link to blogs that I enjoy and that I hope you enjoy as well, but it’s pretty difficult for you to sit back and enjoy them if you get over a dozen thrown at you all at once.  So instead, I’m going to do five per day over three days, so you have time to check out all of the blogs. 

“Wow!  You can rationalize laziness like no human I’ve ever seen!”

Damned right, Iggy!  Anyway, readers, here are the first five, in no particular order.  Some of them have been nominated in the past, but not by me, so I think it still counts.

The Indecisive Eejit.  Because her blog isn’t so much a blog as a party, and she’s the best party hostess on the Interwebs.

Ben’s Bitter Blog.  Every post is a new way to view things negatively, and he inspired me to be ashamed to have seen Gravity.  

The Mental Mama.  A bit about life, a bit about work, a bit about the ups and downs of relationships, a bit about living with bipolar disorder, and a whole lot of humor.

Days and Months.  I love reading blogs kept by people who live far away, and seeing their countries through their eyes.  Days and Months is by Karen Gosper in New South Wales, who is working on her photography skills, and treating us to the gorgeous results. 

Forgotten NZ.  In the same vein as Days and Months, but she photographs abandoned and forgotten structures in New Zealand.

Five more tomorrow.

“You’re milking this award thing so you don’t have to think of new stuff to post every day, aren’t you?”

Yes, Iggy, I am.  What a smart boy!