Did you have a nice Christmas, Iggy?
“I guess.”
Did you get anything you wanted?
“I got a bacon chew treat for a minute.”
For a minute?
“Muppet took it.”
I’m sorry, Iggy.
“That’s okay, I’ll just jump on her later and scare the hell out of her.”
Iggy, I don’t think you —
“Probably around 3 AM.”
Wonderful.
“Gotta rest up — gonna be a busy night.”
What did you get for Christmas, Muppet?
I got a Santa! It makes crinkly noises and flops around and I can bite it a lot! I love my Santa!
Oh, wait — Iggy got a Rudolph.
‘Scuse me.
I got a Rudolph!
Muppet, what did you get for Christmas?
I got a pink rope toy and a rope with a tennis ball!
Iggy, what did you get?
“Umm… well, actually, I got a rope with a tennis ball.”
You got one too?
“No, not ‘too,’ Muppet. That’s my toy.”
Oh. Sorry!
“Can I have it back?”
Nope.
“Okay.”
That’s all right, Iggy. I knew she’d do that, so I got you other toys.
I’ll get those too, you know.
“Yeah, Karen, she will.”
You’re right, Iggy. Is there anything else you’d like for Christmas?
“I wouldn’t mind cuddling. Can we cuddle?”
We can do that.
“And maybe Brian can take Muppet out, cause she hasn’t pooped in a while. And then you could sneak me one of the new toys?”
Iggy, that’s a good i–
I heard that!
“Aawww!”
Besides, I don’t need to go out. I pooped on the rug in the front bedroom. I’m good for now.
Dammit, Muppet!
What? Why dammit? Damn what?
Every time I think you’ve learned, you pull this!
It’s raining. I hate pooping in the rain.
It doesn’t matter if you hate it!
I never see YOU poop in the rain. If it’s so great, how come you don’t do it?
NEVER MIND WHERE I POOP! YOU POOP OUTSIDE!
Wow. Calm down.
“They say the holidays can be stressful, Muppet.”
Yeah, Iggy, I’ve heard that too. Must be a human thing.
“I suppose so. Hey, can I have my tennis ball when you’re done with it?”
Nope.
“Okay.”
————-
Merry Christmas from me, Muppet, and of course, Iggy.
“Oh no, not the antler picture!”
Hush, Iggy.
Okay, let’s — ow!
“Cut it out!”
I just need —
“Forget it.”
Just —
“NO.”
OW.
“Whoops.”
Oh, great, I’m bleeding.
“Oh well.”
Want a bone?
“You’re kidding, right?”
Well —
“How stupid do you think I am?
Given how counterproductive your actions are right now, I’d say —
“I DON’T CARE!”
Aw–
“Stop it stop it stop it stop it–”
Iggy!
“–stop it stop it stop it–”
Iggy, come on!
“–stop it stop it stop it stop it–”
IGGY!
“–stop it stop it stop it stop it–”
YOU’RE ADOPTED!
”–stop– wait, what?”
PERFECT!
“Oh, you meant from the rescue! I knew that! Wait, did you just –”
All done!
“Dammit! You know, you really put the Christ in ‘Christ, you’re such a–‘”
Thank you, Iggy, that’s enough.
Merry Christmas from the cats, Brian, me, and Iggy whether he likes it or not.
“Oooh! Look! A tree! Oh boy oh boy oh boy!”
Yes, Iggy, it’s a Christmas tree.
“Oh boy oh boy oh boy!”
Calm down, Iggy.
“Oh boy oh boy oh boy! A tree for Christmas!”
Yes. I just said that.
“Thank you thank you thank you!”
Well, it’s for all of us, but you’re wel—
“I love the tree a lot! Happy Iggy! Happy Iggy!”
I’m glad.
“I hated peeing outside!”
What? Oh, no, that’s not what it’s for.
”But it’s a tree! That’s what all trees are for! Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Happy Iggy!”
It’s a decoration – hey! Put your leg down!
“What!”
You still have to pee outside.
“Not fair!”
Very fair, Iggy.
“The cats don’t pee outside! They don’t do anything outside! They go wherever they want in the house!”
No, they don’t go wherever they want in the house. They use litter.
“Oh yeah? Where?”
In the hall and downstairs bathrooms.
“Nuh-uh. They do not.”
Yes they do, Iggy.
“There’s no litter in those bathrooms. There’s just the buffets.”
The what?
“The buffets. In the plastic boxes. Nice of you to put those out, by the way.”
Brian!
What?
How often do you clean the litter boxes?
I don’t. I thought you did.
But there’s never anything in them!
“Speaking of which, hungry Iggy. Be right back.”
Get back here, Iggy!
“What!”
That’s not food!
“Yes it is!”
Iggy, trust me, it’s not—
“The cats said so!”
What?
“They said so when I first got here! I was like, ‘hey cats, what’s up,’ and they were like, ‘eat shit, Schnauzer,’ so I–”
Oh, no.
“Yeah. That was back before they started hating me.”
Iggy?
“What?”
Those buffet boxes are the litter. Don’t eat from there again.
“They pee there?”
Yes.
“Can I pee there?”
No.
“You suck.”
You think I suck now? That’s nothing. Here, hold still while I put this on you.
“What the — HEY!”
Yep, now I suck. Hold still.
“I should pee everywhere for this.” 
The Iggy Dialogues 