Yay!

“Why is everyone so excited?”

Well, Iggy, it’s a very nice day.  There are a lot of people who wanted to get married but couldn’t, and now they can.

“That’s it?  They’re excited over a piece of paper?”

Yes, they are.  It’s very important to some people.

“I don’t need paper–”

That’s okay for you —

“I pee outside!”

Iggy.

“Sorry, I had to.”

It would be okay if it were funny.

“To be fair, you could say that about a lot of stuff on this blog.”

True.

“So why couldn’t they get married before?”

Because some people are morons.

“Well, I’m glad the morons lost.”

Me too.

 

Good girl, depending on how you look at it.

“Karen?”

She’s not moving, Iggy.

“I see that, Muppet.  Hey Karen?”

We should look closer.

“Karen!”

Karen!

“Karen!”

Huh!  What!  What?

“Are you napping?”

What?  Yeah, I was, Iggy, yes.

Told you so, Iggy.

What’s going on?  What did you want?

“Nothing.”

Seriously?

I tried to tell Iggy you were sleeping, I really did.

I appreciate that, Muppet.

He wouldn’t listen.

Sounds like him.

I even told him we should jump up on you and take a closer look, just to prove you were asleep.

Really now.  Thanks a lot.

Sure!

“Are you awake now?”

I guess so, Iggy.

“Good.  I have to go outside.  Gotta pee.”

Fine.  Just give me a minute.

“Okay.”

I didn’t want to wake you.  

That’s all right, Muppet.  Iggy needs to pee anyway.

Yeah, but I didn’t wake you when I had to pee or anything.

What?

I didn’t have to go outside.  I let you sleep.

Well, we’re going out now, so–

It’s okay, I don’t have to.

Wait, what?

I’m fine now.  And I didn’t make you wake up!

Oh no.

“Hey, what’s this near the door?”

I’m a good girl!

We need to work on your definition of “good,” Muppet.

Okay!

“Hey Karen?  I know you don’t like me eating this stuff outside, but it’s clean if it’s in the house, right?”

No, Iggy!  Don’t eat that!

“All right, I won’t!”

Thank you.

“I’ll stop in just a minute!”

Dammit.

I’m a very good girl!

Iggy addresses the poodle issue.

Hi Iggy.

“Hi Muppet!”

What are you doing?

“Thinking.  You know that new toy Karen got for me?  At first I wasn’t sure if it was a bunny or a dog, but then I realized it’s probably a bunnydog.  It makes a weird noise when I chew it.  I guess it’s the same noise bunnydogs make in the wild?  Here, listen to this–“

Can I ask you something?

“Huh?  Okay.”

Why do you like poodles so much?

“Hmm.  I dunno.  They’ve got the long ears, and the puffy parts, and… stuff.”

Yeah, I suppose they do.  Okay.

“Why?”

No reason.  Never mind.

“But you know what?”

What?

“They’re kind of foofy.”

What do you mean?

“Like, when I go on walks, I like to stick my nose in the dirt and see what’s under there, you know?”

Yeah, me too.  I like to stick my whole head in the dirt if I can dig a big enough hole.

“Yeah!”

I like to eat it.

“You eat dirt?”

Yeah.  And grass.

“I noticed that.”

You did?

“Yeah. It’s weird.”

It is?

“In a cool way.”

Oh.  Thanks.

“Yeah.  I bet a poodle wouldn’t want to stick her nose in the dirt.  I bet she’d be all, ‘Oh no, I can’t get dirty, I’ve just been GROOMED.'”

Ooh, I hate the groomer!

“Me too!  I can’t stand the — OHMYGOD!”

What?

“OUTSIDE!”

What?!

“PEOPLE!”

WHAT?!

“PEOPLE OUTSIDE!”

PEOPLE?!

“AAIIEEE–“

AAAAAARRRROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

“–EEE– what the–?!”

Oops.  Sorry.

“Muppet?”

What?

“That was awesome!”

What the hell was that noise?

“Hey Karen!  That was Muppet!  Isn’t it great?  Hey Muppet, you know when it’s really dark out and everyone’s asleep?  I like to look out the window and shriek, just in case, you know?”

You mean in case there might be people somewhere?

“Yeah.”

Muppet, Iggy’s kind of unusual, but he’s all right once you get used to him.

So Iggy, you mean you shriek at nothing in the middle of the night?

“Um… I guess so.”

You’re kidding.

“No.”

Believe me, Muppet, he’s not.

OHMYGOD!  I LOVE shrieking at nothing in the middle of the night!  I’m more of a howler, though, but —

Oh no.

“Yeah, that’s an awesome howl!  How do you do that?”

I can show you if you want.

Oh no no no–

“Cool!”

Hey, you two, stop for a second.

“Karen!  Muppet’s gonna show me how to howl!”

Well, Iggy, that should be fiercely unpleasant.  Anyway, Muppet?  I got the results of your DNA test.  

“Why’d you do a DNA test on her?”

To see what breeds she has in her ancestry.  We know she’s got Schnauzer in her, but what else?

“Well, we know she’s not a poodle.”

Huh?  Oh.  Okay.  Yeah.  

How do you know that?

‘Cause poodles are pretty.

Now, Muppet–

“Not really.”

What?

“They’re not actually pretty — they’re just foofy.”

Foofy, Iggy?

“Yeah.  Not like Schnauzers.  Schnauzers are pretty without being foofy.  So…um… yeah, Muppet, I think it’s obvious you’ve got Schnauzer in you.”

Oh.  Wow.

“I think you’re mostly Schnauzer, in fact.  You’re Schnauzer in everything that matters.”

Thanks, Iggy.

Muppet, do you want to see the results? 

No, that’s okay.  I bet it just says I’m mostly Schnauzer. 

Hmm, let me see… yep, mostly Schnauzer.  You’re right, Muppet, you’re a pretty Schnauzer mix.

“Told you so!  Hey Muppet, can you show me how to do that howling thing?”

Sure!  Deep breath, then watch me:  AAAARROOOOOOOO!

“AAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!!  Wait, no, that was awful.”

Try again.  AAAAARRRROOOOOOOOOOO!

“AAAGGH — no, wait, ha!”

AAAAAARRROOOOOOOOOOOO!  Ha!


Iggy and Muppet and Muppet.

“Hi Muppet the Fake Poodle!”
 

Stop!
 

“Muppet the Fake Poodle!”
 

Quit it!
 

“Muppet the Fake Poodle!”
 

Cut it out!  I hate that name!  And I’m not a poodle!
 

“You sure?  Look at you!  You could be anything!  Schnauzer, cat, ferret – there’s everything else, there might be some poodle in there too!”
 

There’s not!  
 

“How do you know?”
 

‘Cause poodles are pretty, okay?  Go away!
 

“Oh.”
 

Hmmph.
 

“Muppet?”
 

Leave me alone.
 

“Um… here.  In case you want to chew anything while you’re under there.”

 


 

Oh, great.
 

“What?”
 

A Muppet, Iggy?  Really?
 

“Oh.  Well, yeah.  It’s a Muppet.  It’s my Kermit.”
 

Very funny.
 

“I have an Animal too, and a Miss Piggy.”
 

I get it, Muppet chewing a Muppet, right?
 

“Well, no.”

 

What, then?

 

“I dunno.  They’re just fun and cute.”  
 

They are?


“Yeah.  Muppets are my favorite things in the whole world.”

 

Oh.

 

“But it’s okay if you want to chew it.  Um… yeah.  It’s here if you want it.”

 

 

 

 

Muppet, Iggy’s accidental muse.

“Hey Karen!”

Yes, Iggy?

“I wrote a poem for Muppet.”

You did?

“Yeah, I was watching her sleep, and I was inspired.”

Well, that’s very sweet.

Sure, if by ‘sweet’ you mean really weird and just a little bit creepy.

Now, Muppet, he’s making an effort.  Let’s give him a chance.  Iggy, why don’t you read us your poem?

“Okay!”  

O Muppet
by Iggy 

O Muppet, fur unruly, 
A Schnauzer, a Yorkie, a mix, asleep 
With your leg in the air 
Like a fainting goat in the night. 
A Schnauzer, a Yorkie, a mix, a mess 
O Muppet, will you be groomed 
Like, ever?


Ugh. You see what I have to put up with?

That wasn’t very nice, Iggy.

“I’m just wondering what’s up with her fur, that’s all!”

She’s going to the groomer next week.

“She is?”

Oh no. I am?

Yes.

Oh.  Wow.  I really don’t like it here.

Aw, Muppet, don’t hide under the — yeah, okay.

Hi, my name is, what?

“Hey fake poodle!”

Iggy, stop calling me that.

“Well, what’s your real name, then?”

Don’t have one.  Don’t need one.  I’m going back to the rescue.

No you’re not.

Wait, Karen, what?

You’re a good girl, and I love you very much, so at the end of the trial period I told the rescue I’m not bringing you back.  So no more rescues and no more shelters for you — this is officially your forever home, and we’re your forever family.

Aw, dammit.

“So what’s her name?”

Yeah, did you name me?

Of course I did, sweetie.

Is it a pretty name?  I hope it’s a pretty name.  Is it Lily?

No, it’s not Lily.

Is it Ariel?  I would like Ariel.

It’s not Ariel either.

Penelope?

No.

Princess?

Muppet.

Wha…?!

I named you Muppet.

Wha..?!

Muppet.

Wha…?!

It’s a sweet little name.

Wha…?!

It’s a cute name for a cute little dog.

How the — what the…?

What’s wrong?

You named me after a puppet?!

Settle down.

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Don’t you think you’re overreacting just a little bit?

You named me after a bunch of puppets on a children’s show!

Now, Muppet —

What next, are you gonna make me teach you the damned alphabet?!  

Calm down.

You’re a grown-ass woman!  How could you name me Muppet?!

“Hi Muppet!”

Shut up, Iggy!

“Muppet Muppet Muppet!”

Stop that, Iggy.

“Can I have a poodle?”

No.

“Then I’m not stopping.  Muppet Muppet Muppet Muppet!”

Shut up!

Aw, Muppet, don’t crawl back under the — okay.


In which Iggy looks a gift poodle in the mouth, among other places.

“Hey poodle!  Poodle?  Excuse me?  Hello?  Poodle?”

Who?  Poodle?  Oh, right, that’s me.  Hello.  Yes.  I’m a poodle.  Hello.

“How come you don’t have long poodle ears?”

Um… I’m rare?

“And you don’t have a poofy butt.”

A what?  Wow, okay.  No, I don’t.  Rare, remember?  

“And the wrong bits are shaved–“

Okay, yeah, you know what, you’re really weird, and I’m not a poodle, so stop talking about whatever bits of mine are shaved, okay?

“A HA!  BUSTED!”

What’s going on in here?

He’s really weird.

“Karen, you lied!  She’s not a poodle!”

In fairness, Iggy, neither are you.

Yeah!

“I’m better than a poodle.  I’m a Schnauzer, I’ll have you know.”

So is she, Iggy.

“She’s a Schnauzer?”

Well, a Schnauzer mix.

“What’s she mixed with?  Bill the Cat?”

Iggy!

“Look!”



That’s not nice, Iggy.

Okay, wow, wait, he’s a Schnauzer?

He is.

Oh.

What’s wrong?

I was hoping for a German Shepherd.

What?

Yeah, I told them at the rescue, if I had to live with a boy dog, I wanted a German Shepherd.

Well, Schnauzers are nice.  You’re a Schnauzer–

“MIX!”

Yes, Iggy.  She’s a very pretty Schnauzer mix.  Be nice.

They said he was a German Shepherd.  

Who did?

The rescue, when you walked in with him. 

He doesn’t look anything like a German Shepherd.

That’s what I told them.

And what did they say?

He’s rare.

Oh.

This is disappointing.

I’m sorry you feel that way.

“Imagine how I feel!”

Stop, Iggy.

Do I have to stay here?

Well, the rescue has us doing a five-day trial period, but I hope that–

Five days?  I can do that.  Let me know when it’s up.

“Five days?  Oh no, that’s a whole year!”

It’ll certainly feel like it.

Aw, sweetie, is there anything I can do to make you feel better about being here?

Yes.  Get a German Shepherd.

We aren’t getting a German Shepherd.

Whatever.  I’ll be over here.  Let me know when the five days are up.

Wonderful.




A surprise for Iggy.

“What are we doing here?” 

It’s a surprise, Iggy. 

“Steak! It’s steak!” 

It’s not steak. 

“Treats?” 

No. 

“Can I eat it?” 

No. Now hush. 

“Phooey.” 

I need you to get in the back seat. 

“Why?” 

I told you, it’s a surprise. 

“Fine.” 

Okay, here we go. Surprise! 

Hello

“AAAAAAGGGGHHH! A POODLE!” 

Iggy– 

“A POODLE!” 

She’s– 

“AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH! I GOT A POODLE!” 

Yeah, okay. You got a poodle. You know what, Iggy, try to calm down while we drive home, okay?

“I’M PERFECTLY CALM!” 

Great. 

“HI POODLE!”  

But I– 

Just go with it.

If you say so. 

Iggy offers comfort.

“You met her in a shelter?”

I did, yes.

“That’s a really nice first impression to make.”

What do you mean?

“The first thing she learned about you was that you’d be there to save her if you could.”

Couldn’t save her this time.

“You don’t have to every time.  It’s enough that you were there.”

You think so?

“Oh yeah.”

Iggy?

“Yes?”

Why are you pawing at my head? 

“I’d be scratching your ear if you’d just hold still.  Ear scratches make everything better.” 

I’m sorry, Iggy. Humans are different.  

“Oh.” 

Thanks anyway.

 

PHOEBE
 
The World’s Most Affectionate Cat
 
c. April 1, 2000-May 20, 2015

 

Iggy, persistent.

“KAREN!  KAREN!  KAREN!  KAREN!”

Iggy, I’m sitting right next to you.

“THAT’S NICE!  KAREN!  KAREN!  KAREN!”

So you don’t have to keep shouting at me.  

“KA– oh.”

So what did you want?

“Huh?”

What did you want?

“Oh!  Um… nothing.”

Okay, then.

“Wait, no!  I did want something!”

You did?

“Yeah.”

What is it?

“What is what?”

What did you want, Iggy?

“Oh.  I dunno.”

Great.

“WAIT!  KAREN!”

Stop shouting.

“I have an idea!”

Okay.

“Yeah!  It’s a really good idea, too!”

Great.

“Yeah!”

Iggy?

“What?”

What’s the idea?

“What?  Oh.  Poodles!”

You’re not getting–

“No, no, no, I’m not asking for a poodle.  I just want poodle pictures!”

Pictures?  Hmm.  You know something, Iggy?  I’m okay with that.  I tell you what, if you do well in your obedience classes, I’ll print you a bunch of poodle pictures.

“Well, no.  I’d ask the poodles themselves.”

Why?

“It’s just better if the poodles themselves send me the pictures.  And… um… videos.”

I don’t like this–

“I’d set up a website.”

Iggy–

“PoodleHub.”

No.

“Damn.”