Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

“Lemme go.”

No.

“Lemme go!”

No. You have to stay on the leash while the contractor is here to paint the house.

“Lemme go lemme go lemme go—“

No. I don’t want you getting into anything.

“But that guy is leaving!”

He’s coming back. He’s just getting stuff out of his truck.

“He’s never coming back!”

Relax, Iggy.

“You don’t understand! He petted me!

I saw that.

“He has to live with us forever!”

No, he doesn’t. 

“Pleeeeaaase?”

No.  God, you’re needy.

“Never mind, I’ll find someone like him.”

What the — Iggy, did you just quote an Adele song?

“Oh, whoops, did I say that out loud?”

I’m disappointed in you. Do you know how pathetic that song is? She says the guy’s married now, so clearly they’ve been apart for a while. And she just shows up out of nowhere specifically to tell him she’s still not over him and she’ll find someone like him. Now, it’s fine to feel that way, but don’t show up and tell him that. If I’m the guy, I’m like, never mind, I’ll find someone to help me file a restraining order. Damn, woman, get on with your life!

“But maybe he scratched her ears. Did you ever think of that?”

What? Um… okay, fine. But that’s no excuse to throw your dignity out the window.

“Karen, I shriek hysterically at anyone I think I might like, remember?”

Hmm. Good point.

“Seriously, have we met?”

I get it.

“Try to be a bit more empathetic in the future.”

You win.

“Okay – OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD—“

What, Iggy?

“HE’S COMING BACK!”

Told you so.

Hey, Karen? I’ve just got to run out and get that extra baseboard to replace the damaged one.

Sure, that’s fine.

“You’re leaving?”

Yep, little fella, just have to get–

DON’T FORGET ME, I BEG!

Wow, Karen, your dog sure is friendly.

You have no idea.

And how was your day?

“Hi Karen!”

Well, hello, Iggy!

“Welcome home!”

Thank you! 

“Know what I did today?”

What did you do today? 

“Nothing! Oh, wait, I stuck out my tongue.”

You did? 

“Oh, no, hang on, that’s what I’m doing now. I didn’t do that before. I forgot what I did before.”

That’s okay, Iggy. 

“But yeah, probably nothing much.”

That’s fine, as long as you had a nice day.

“Yeah.  It was nice.”

Good for you!  Who’s a happy Iggy?

“Me!  I’m a happy Iggy!”

Yes you are!  Good boy!  

“And I definitely didn’t chew the coffee table!”

Good Ig– wait, what? 

“I didn’t chew the coffee table.  Um… that was… um… Brian.”

You know it wasn’t me, Iggy.

“LA LA LA LA BRIAN WE CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA!”

Iggy, stop that.  I heard Brian just fine.

“No you didn’t.  Heard who?”

Wonderful.

“Happy Iggy!”

Perspective.

“Oh, no.  Oh, no, no, no, no.”

Iggy?  

“No no no no no no no no no–”

What?  

“Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod no no no this is all wrong no no no no–”

What, Iggy?  What is it??  

“EVERYTHING’S SIDEWAYS!!!

Oh, Christ.  Iggy, turn your head.

“IT’S TOO TERRIFYING!  I CAN’T LOOK AWAY!”

No, I meant–

“WHAT I’VE SEEN CAN’T BE UNSEEN!”

Forget it.

“COME BACK!  I’M SUFFERING HERE — oh.”

 

Fearsome Watchdog.

“AAAAAAAGGGHHH!!”

What the —

“AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!! AAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!”

Iggy! What’s going on? It’s three in the morning!

“AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!! AAAARRROOOOOOOO!!!!”

What?!

“OUT THERE! AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!”

Is someone outside?

“AAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!”

Iggy! Did you see someone outside?!

“MAYBE!!!!!!!”

Maybe?

“YES!!!! MAYBE!!!! YES!!!  OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD–”

Oh no. Okay, I’ll call the police —

“I MEAN, NOT RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!! BUT STILL!!!! AAAAARRROOOOOOO!!”

Wait, is there someone outside or not?

“POSSIBLY!!!”

What do you mean, possibly?

“I MEAN IT’S WITHIN THE REALM OF MATHEMATICAL PROBABILITY THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW!!!!!”

Oh, for the love of — someone on our property?

“NOT NECESSARILY!!!!”

Ugh.  Of course not.  Iggy, if not our property, then where?

“SOMEWHERE!!!!!”

You’re shrieking because there’s someone somewhere.

“YES!!! AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! PEOPLE!!! IN… IN PLACES!!! PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!!”

I’m going back to bed.

“GOOD NIGHT, KAREN!!!!!”

Good night, Iggy.

“SLEEP WELL!!!!”

No, probably not.

“PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!! AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

 

Iggy finds his calling.

“Hey Karen?”

Yes, Iggy?

“I’ve been thinking.”

Have you now.

“Yes, and I’ve made a decision.”

What have you decided?

“I’ve decided that I’d like to be a service dog.”

Really?

“Yes.  I’d be a great service dog.”

Well, a service dog is a very nice thing to be.  I’ll find out what kind of training you have to get.

“I’ll need a poodle.”

What?

“To practice with.”

Practice what?

“Servicing.”

Yeah, no.

“Damn!”

Holiday greetings.

Okay, let’s — ow!

“Cut it out!”

I just need —

“Forget it.”

Just —

“NO.”

OW.

“Whoops.”

Oh, great, I’m bleeding.

“Oh well.”

Want a bone?

“You’re kidding, right?”

Well —

“How stupid do you think I am?

Given how counterproductive your actions are right now, I’d say —

“I DON’T CARE!”

Aw–

“Stop it stop it stop it stop it–”

Iggy!

“–stop it stop it stop it–”

Iggy, come on!

“–stop it stop it stop it stop it–”

IGGY!

“–stop it stop it stop it stop it–”

YOU’RE ADOPTED!

”–stop– wait, what?”

 

 PERFECT!

“Oh, you meant from the rescue!  I knew that!  Wait, did you just –”

All done!

“Dammit!  You know, you really put the Christ in ‘Christ, you’re such a–‘”

Thank you, Iggy, that’s enough.  

Merry Christmas from the cats, Brian, me, and Iggy whether he likes it or not.