AAAAIIIIEEEE!

AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH–“

Welcome back, Karen. I thought that for today’s training session, we’d see if we can’t get Iggy to calm down when he sees other dogs.

Sorry, Steven, I didn’t catch that. What did you say?

EEEEEEEEEEEEYYYAAAAAAAAA—

I said, we’re going to get Iggy to—

What?!

–AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH—

WE’RE GOING TO–

“[pant pant pant]”

–WORK ON—sorry. Okay, I want to—

AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—

–I want to work on Iggy’s shrieking!

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over Iggy’s shrieking!

–EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAIIIII—

We’re going to walk around the store—

What?!

WE’RE GOING TO WALK AROUND THE STORE AND WORK ON HIS SHRIEKING!

Okay, I’ll walk around the store while you work with him!

—AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAA—

What?!

But wouldn’t it make more sense if we all walked around the store together?!

What? Yes! That’s what we’re doing!

–AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH—

Okay, as soon as he stops shrieking, I want you to click the clicker and give him a treat!

What?!

–AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE—

I said give him a treat!

What, now?! But he’s shrieking!

—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH—

No, wait!

–AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—

Here you go, Iggy.

AAAAIIIIEEEoh, what’s this?”

A cut up piece of a hot dog.

“A what?”

It’s a piece of a hot dog. Isn’t that great? You get this if you–

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

What?

“YOU’RE TRYING TO FEED ME A DOG!”

Um–

Iggy, it’s not a real–

Karen? You actually weren’t supposed to give him—

“YOU’RE A SICK, SICK WOMAN!”

Iggy, it’s not a—

Oh, look, another dog just walked in. Let’s try to–

AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE—

Sorry, what?!

Let’s walk Iggy past the dog, and if he stops shrieking, give him a treat!

–AAAAIIIIIIEEEEYAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH—

Come on, Iggy, let’s walk—

–AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH–

As soon as he stops shrieking–

What?!

—AAAAIIIEEEEIIIIEEEEEEEAAAIIIEEEEEEE—

He has to stop sometime! Doesn’t he?

“[pant pant pant]”

Quick, treat him now.

Good boy, Iggy! You get a treat!

“NO! THAT’S DOG!! YOU’RE INSANE!!!

I told you, hot dogs aren’t really dogs—

“DOGS?! WHERE?!”

Oh, no—

AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Well, that was fast, our time’s up for this week!

Okay, thanks for your help! See you next Sunday?!

AAAAIIIIIEEYYYAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

Shit.

Sorry, I didn’t catch that?!

Great!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Educating Iggy.

“Toy store! Yay!”

That’s right, Iggy! We’re in the toy store!

“Toys! Toys and treats! Happy Iggy!”

Yes, toys and treats. You’re going to get lots of treats!

“Yay, treats! Wait, who’s that guy?”

Hello, there, little guy! I’m Steven.

“Hi Steven! I’m Iggy! I love you a lot!” 

Well, that’s very sweet of you.

“You have treats! I can smell them! I love you I love you I love you!”

Would you like some treats, Iggy?

 “Yes I would! I would like some treats!”

Well, I’m sure you’ll earn plenty during your obedience lesson.

“Yay — wait, what the f—“

Language, Iggy.

“Karen, did he just say ‘obedience’?!”

He did.  Now shush — I need to hear what he’s saying.

Karen, today we’re going to work on getting your dog to obey a very basic command—

“Excuse me? ‘Obey’? Obey this, pal!”

Iggy, would you please stop licking your—

Okay, Iggy, I tell you what, let’s get straight to the treats.

“That’s better. Gimme the treats—hey, what are you doing?”

Hold on a moment, Iggy. Okay, Karen, watch what I do here. First, you hold the treat so he’ll look up at it –

“Hey! Gimme the treat!”

– then slowly move it over his head until he can’t see it. As he looks up and tries to look back, his butt will hit the floor.

“Right, Steven, my butt will hit the floor while I try to look at the treat. Do you know why that phenomenon occurs?”

You know what, Iggy? I actually don’t know exactly why. Can you explain it to me?

“Sure!”

Good boy!

“It’s because I’m a moron!”

What?

Stop it, Iggy. 

“Yep, I’m a complete moron who doesn’t know how to walk backwards! Oh, wait, no, I’m not a moron, I know how to walk backwards, and I’m gonna keep looking right at your hand without my butt hitting the floor, so just gimme the treat already.”

Iggy!

That’s okay, Karen. We’ll just try again. Iggy, can you sit?

“Are you serious?  No, I can’t sit, as a matter of fact.”

You can’t?

“Nope.  I’m a purebred Lithuanian Standing Dog.”

Sorry, what?

“We’re very rare.”

Iggy, cut it out.

”No knees.”

Stop that, Iggy!

“You should see me nap. It’s pathetic.”

Iggy!

“I look like a friggin’ fainting goat.”

Wait — a Lithuanian Standing Dog?

“No, you schmuck! Of course I can sit!”

I’m sorry, Steven, Iggy’s kind of… unusual.

Wow, yeah, he certainly is, isn’t he? So… um… yeah. To get Iggy to obey the command, we—

“Again with the obeying!”

Iggy!

“Fascist bastard!”

You know, Karen, if during the first lesson you don’t feel this class is right for you, we offer a full refund.

That’s a hint, isn’t it.

Kind of, yes.

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

“Lemme go.”

No.

“Lemme go!”

No. You have to stay on the leash while the contractor is here to paint the house.

“Lemme go lemme go lemme go—“

No. I don’t want you getting into anything.

“But that guy is leaving!”

He’s coming back. He’s just getting stuff out of his truck.

“He’s never coming back!”

Relax, Iggy.

“You don’t understand! He petted me!

I saw that.

“He has to live with us forever!”

No, he doesn’t. 

“Pleeeeaaase?”

No.  God, you’re needy.

“Never mind, I’ll find someone like him.”

What the — Iggy, did you just quote an Adele song?

“Oh, whoops, did I say that out loud?”

I’m disappointed in you. Do you know how pathetic that song is? She says the guy’s married now, so clearly they’ve been apart for a while. And she just shows up out of nowhere specifically to tell him she’s still not over him and she’ll find someone like him. Now, it’s fine to feel that way, but don’t show up and tell him that. If I’m the guy, I’m like, never mind, I’ll find someone to help me file a restraining order. Damn, woman, get on with your life!

“But maybe he scratched her ears. Did you ever think of that?”

What? Um… okay, fine. But that’s no excuse to throw your dignity out the window.

“Karen, I shriek hysterically at anyone I think I might like, remember?”

Hmm. Good point.

“Seriously, have we met?”

I get it.

“Try to be a bit more empathetic in the future.”

You win.

“Okay – OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD—“

What, Iggy?

“HE’S COMING BACK!”

Told you so.

Hey, Karen? I’ve just got to run out and get that extra baseboard to replace the damaged one.

Sure, that’s fine.

“You’re leaving?”

Yep, little fella, just have to get–

DON’T FORGET ME, I BEG!

Wow, Karen, your dog sure is friendly.

You have no idea.

And how was your day?

“Hi Karen!”

Well, hello, Iggy!

“Welcome home!”

Thank you! 

“Know what I did today?”

What did you do today? 

“Nothing! Oh, wait, I stuck out my tongue.”

You did? 

“Oh, no, hang on, that’s what I’m doing now. I didn’t do that before. I forgot what I did before.”

That’s okay, Iggy. 

“But yeah, probably nothing much.”

That’s fine, as long as you had a nice day.

“Yeah.  It was nice.”

Good for you!  Who’s a happy Iggy?

“Me!  I’m a happy Iggy!”

Yes you are!  Good boy!  

“And I definitely didn’t chew the coffee table!”

Good Ig– wait, what? 

“I didn’t chew the coffee table.  Um… that was… um… Brian.”

You know it wasn’t me, Iggy.

“LA LA LA LA BRIAN WE CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA!”

Iggy, stop that.  I heard Brian just fine.

“No you didn’t.  Heard who?”

Wonderful.

“Happy Iggy!”

Perspective.

“Oh, no.  Oh, no, no, no, no.”

Iggy?  

“No no no no no no no no no–”

What?  

“Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod no no no this is all wrong no no no no–”

What, Iggy?  What is it??  

“EVERYTHING’S SIDEWAYS!!!

Oh, Christ.  Iggy, turn your head.

“IT’S TOO TERRIFYING!  I CAN’T LOOK AWAY!”

No, I meant–

“WHAT I’VE SEEN CAN’T BE UNSEEN!”

Forget it.

“COME BACK!  I’M SUFFERING HERE — oh.”

 

Fearsome Watchdog.

“AAAAAAAGGGHHH!!”

What the —

“AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!! AAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!”

Iggy! What’s going on? It’s three in the morning!

“AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!! AAAARRROOOOOOOO!!!!”

What?!

“OUT THERE! AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!”

Is someone outside?

“AAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!”

Iggy! Did you see someone outside?!

“MAYBE!!!!!!!”

Maybe?

“YES!!!! MAYBE!!!! YES!!!  OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD–”

Oh no. Okay, I’ll call the police —

“I MEAN, NOT RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!! BUT STILL!!!! AAAAARRROOOOOOO!!”

Wait, is there someone outside or not?

“POSSIBLY!!!”

What do you mean, possibly?

“I MEAN IT’S WITHIN THE REALM OF MATHEMATICAL PROBABILITY THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW!!!!!”

Oh, for the love of — someone on our property?

“NOT NECESSARILY!!!!”

Ugh.  Of course not.  Iggy, if not our property, then where?

“SOMEWHERE!!!!!”

You’re shrieking because there’s someone somewhere.

“YES!!! AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! PEOPLE!!! IN… IN PLACES!!! PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!!”

I’m going back to bed.

“GOOD NIGHT, KAREN!!!!!”

Good night, Iggy.

“SLEEP WELL!!!!”

No, probably not.

“PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!! AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

 

Iggy finds his calling.

“Hey Karen?”

Yes, Iggy?

“I’ve been thinking.”

Have you now.

“Yes, and I’ve made a decision.”

What have you decided?

“I’ve decided that I’d like to be a service dog.”

Really?

“Yes.  I’d be a great service dog.”

Well, a service dog is a very nice thing to be.  I’ll find out what kind of training you have to get.

“I’ll need a poodle.”

What?

“To practice with.”

Practice what?

“Servicing.”

Yeah, no.

“Damn!”