Oh, if only.

“Oh… wow.”

“Hmm.  Okay, then.  Um… wow.”

Iggy?

“Yeah, okay… wow.”

You okay, Iggy?

“FINE!  Fine.  Okay.  Yeah.  Just fine.”

All right.

“Yeah.  Um… yeah.  Wow.  Yeah…”

“Yeeeaaaaaaahhh… wow.”

What?

“NOTHING!  Fine!  I’m fine!”

Okay. 

“Yep, yep, yep.  Fine.  Um… oh boy, wow… yeah… wow… okay… yeah… hmmmph… hoo boy… oh boy oh boy oh boy…” 

Iggy –

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN I HAVE A SNACK!!!”

Sorry, Iggy.  That’s human food.

“I KNEW THAT!” 

Good boy.

“AAAAGGGHHH. Wow.”

Iggy, tormented.

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god –“

“– oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god –” 

 “– why why why why why why why why –“

“– why why why why why why why why why why why –“

“– WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY –“

“You know, a dog is a living thing.”

Okay –

“I’m not a toy boat for you to throw in the tub whenever you feel like it!”

Relax, Iggy –

“I could have died!”

No, you couldn’t have.

“Well, I think I at least deserve a treat.”

Of course you do.  Would you like a Milk Bone?  

“I would like a goddamn side of beef, is what I would like.”

 

You’ll get a Milk Bone.

“I don’t want a — MILK BONE MILK BONE MILK BONE GIMME GIMME GIMME!”

Good boy.

“Okay, yeah, that was embarrassing just now.”

Loyalty, Iggy style.

“I’ll be right here waiting for you until you come home. 

“Or until I get bored with licking the window and decide to chase the cats and bark at the top of my lungs at them until they play with me or let me lick their entire heads or something. Although those sofa cushions look kind of tasty, so I might just nibble on one of those for a while. 

“But I’ll be here, is my point.”

 

Cross-posted from So Many Feebs.

Said Sisyphus, “At least I don’t have pets.”

Hello, Phoebe!  How’s my pretty kitty –

Don’t give me that.  Do you know what your dog did today?

“Nothing!  I swear!”

I’ll have you know he left a mangled cat near our toy box.

A what?!

A MANGLED CAT.  He mangled a cat and left it near our toy box.  He muttered something about ‘sending a message.’

“Did not!

Iggy –

“I didn’t!”

You did!

“I did, a little, yes.”

Okay.  Phoebe, it’s not a real cat, it’s a toy.  Iggy, stay away from the cats’ toy box.  There — solved.

Fine.

 “But Karen, the cats are mean to me.”

Because you keep sticking your nose in their butts.

“Oh.  All right.  I won’t do it anymore –“

Good –

“– today.”

We’re going to do this all over again tomorrow, aren’t we?

“Probably.”

Iggy tries.

Hi, readers. Iggy’s chewing on a rawhide bone, and that’s going to keep him busy for a while, so I thought that I’d switch things up today and tell you a bit about myself.

I work for a technology company. I don’t mind it — in fact, they recently started letting me work from home a couple of days a week. One of the advantages to that is that come lunch hour, if you’re feeling sleep deprived like I am today, there’s nothing stopping you from laying back on the couch, pulling a light blanket over you, and —

“‘Scuse me? Karen?”
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Yes, Iggy?

“I wrote you a poem.”

You did?

“Uh huh. ‘Cause you’re really special and nice and stuff. Wanna hear it?”

Sure.

“Okay. It’s called I Love You A Lot.”

Iggy, you say that about everybody.

“But this is different! You’re the bestest person in the world!”

Aw, Iggy, you really feel that way?

“Uh huh! Can I sit with you and read you my poem?”

Of course.
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“Okay. A haiku. I Love You A Lot, by Iggy. Me.”

I love you a lot
You give me warmth and safety
You give me your couch.

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Oh, no you don’t. Nice try, Iggy. Get off the blanket.

“HEE HEE!”
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Okay, you’re just being creepy now. Get down.

“Heh. Okay.”

Gangsta Schnauza. Sort of.

Yo! M.C. Iggy in the HOUSE, y’all! Let me see ya jump up on the couch! Wag those tails in the air! Yeah…

All the sucka mutts runnin’ from me every night

‘Cause I don’t bark, baby, I’m just gonna bite

Well, okay, then. You go on with your bad self.

I just look at my toy and I make it squeak

All the hydrants thank me when I take a leak

Oh, great. Stay classy, Iggy.

All the kitties cry for mommy when they see me comin’

I’m the —

Excuse me?
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“Ohshit — WELL! HI, ELWOOD!”

Hello schnauzer.

“Um… hmmm… oh boy. Um… okay. Psst, Karen — is he still there?”

Yes, schnauzer. I’m still here.
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“Ohmygod he is, isn’t he. Yeah. Um… Karen? I’m kinda worried now? You know, just a little bit?”
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Okay, stop it, Elwood.

Fine, human. I’d hate for the schnauzer to wet the couch. Goodbye.

“Is he gone?”

He’s gone. You okay?

“Um… kind of?”

Would you like your squeaky elephant?

“Yes, please.”

Here you go. Feel better now?

“Yeff.”
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“I’m ftill M. Fee Iggy, oo know.”

I know.

“Ganffta.”

Of course you are.

This is why communication is important to a good marriage.

“Okay, Brian, I think the cats are in the other room.”
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“Yep, the coast is clear. Hit ‘play’! Oh boy oh boy oh boy this is gonna be so great oh boy oh boy here it comes –”

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Let it goooo! Let it goooooo!
And I’ll rise like the break of daaaaawn!
Let it go! Let it gooooo!
That perfect girl is gonnnne!
Here I staaaand! In the light of daaaay!!
Let the storm rage oooooonnnnnn!!

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THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY!!! YEAH! You GO, Elsa!!!

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“Oh. Um. Hi, Karen.”

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Please excuse me, readers. Clearly I need to have a talk with my husband about indulging Iggy. Again.

(I feel compelled to add this for the three people in the known universe who don’t recognize the song. I understand Disney’s being pretty lenient about copyright with things like this, but just in case: the song is from the Walt Disney animated film Frozen, it’s called Let It Go, and I DIDN’T WRITE IT! I DIDN’T! There. That oughta hold ‘em.)

The solitary schnauzer.

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“Lemme out.”

Give me a second, Iggy, I just walked in. I’ll let you out once I put down my keys and –

“Lemme out! I’ve been locked in the kitchen for days!”

Hours.

“At least a week!”

Two hours. Almost.

“Almost a month!”

Actually, a bit over an hour and a half.

“It was terrible!”

How could it be terrible? Look at all you have to play with!

“Where?”

In the corner.

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“Oh… um… I missed that.”

How could you miss that?

“Busy.”

Doing what?

“Um… I forget?”

Wait a minute –

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Aw, come on, Iggy. Seriously?!

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“What! You were gone for months!”

A bit more than 90 minutes!

“90 minutes is a whole year! Now pet me, dammit. You owe me.”

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Iggy logic.

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Okay, what’s wrong now, Iggy?

“I don’t see why I need a leash when I’m outside.”

Remember what happened last time you were off your leash?

“Nothing happened! It was fine!”

You ran off down the street.

“What? I was gonna come back.”

Then around the corner.

“So what?”

Onto a woman’s property.

“Better than running into the street, isn’t it?”

You pooped on her lawn, Iggy.

“I had to poop, and that was as good a territory to claim as any.”

While she was sitting on her front porch looking right at you.

“Good for her for getting outside. You should do that more.”

Then you ran up onto her porch –

“To say hi and thanks for letting me claim her lawn as my own.”

– and jumped in her lap.

“Well, I was very grateful. I really had to poop.”

It wasn’t your lawn!

“It is now! Relax, it’s okay. She can come here and poop on our lawn.”

No she can’t!

“Well, that’s not very nice of you. After I pooped on her lawn.”

You’re staying on the leash, Iggy.

“You’re no fun.”

Car ride? Car ride.

“Hi. Car ride please?”

Okay, Iggy. Come on, we’ll go for a ride.

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“Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Car ride! Car ride! Car ride!”

That’s right! Who’s a happy Iggy?

“ME ME ME! I’M A HAPPY IGGY! Wanna stick my head out the window! Wanna feel the wind in my fur! Wanna bark at… um… I don’t know! I can’t choose! WANNA BARK AT THE WHOLE WORLD! HAPPY IGGY!”

Good boy! Are you ready?

YES! I’M READY! CAR RIDE! HAPPY IGGY! HAPPY IGGY!!!

Okay, let me roll down the window a little for you –

“Ha! No, I just want to blow my nose in your hair, then I’m gonna lick the side of your head for half an hour.”

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Oh, yuck.

“I’M GONNA LICK THE SKIN OFF MY HUMAN’S SKULL!!! HAPPY IGGY!!!