Holiday cheer.

Muppet, what did you get for Christmas?

I got a pink rope toy and a rope with a tennis ball!

Iggy, what did you get?

“Umm… well, actually, I got a rope with a tennis ball.”

You got one too?

“No, not ‘too,’ Muppet.  That’s my toy.”

Oh.  Sorry!

“Can I have it back?”

Nope.

“Okay.”

That’s all right, Iggy.  I knew she’d do that, so I got you other toys.

I’ll get those too, you know.

“Yeah, Karen, she will.”

You’re right, Iggy.  Is there anything else you’d like for Christmas?

“I wouldn’t mind cuddling.  Can we cuddle?”

We can do that.

 

“And maybe Brian can take Muppet out, cause she hasn’t pooped in a while.  And then you could sneak me one of the new toys?”

Iggy, that’s a good i–

I heard that!

“Aawww!”

Besides, I don’t need to go out.  I pooped on the rug in the front bedroom.  I’m good for now.

Dammit, Muppet!  

What?  Why dammit?  Damn what?  

Every time I think you’ve learned, you pull this!

It’s raining.  I hate pooping in the rain. 

It doesn’t matter if you hate it!

I never see YOU poop in the rain.  If it’s so great, how come you don’t do it?

NEVER MIND WHERE I POOP!  YOU POOP OUTSIDE!

Wow.  Calm down.

“They say the holidays can be stressful, Muppet.”

Yeah, Iggy, I’ve heard that too.  Must be a human thing.

“I suppose so.  Hey, can I have my tennis ball when you’re done with it?”

Nope.

“Okay.”

————-

Merry Christmas from me, Muppet, and of course, Iggy.

“Oh no, not the antler picture!”

Hush, Iggy.

 

 

A Profile in Courage.

You know what, Iggy?  

“What, Muppet?”

I could make this.

“Make what, Muppet?”

I could totally make this.  

“Make what, Muppet?  I can’t see!”

Iggy, hold my beer.

“KAREN!”

What, Iggy?

“Muppet thinks she can totally make this but I don’t know what this is ’cause I can’t see it and she told me to hold her beer but I don’t know what beer is and I don’t have thumbs anyway and–”

Muppet, you don’t even have beer.

That’s not the point.  Before you do something cool you’re supposed to say ‘hold my beer.’

No, Muppet, that’s before you do something stupid.  

Or cool.  It could be cool too.

No it can’t.  Both of you get inside right now.

Aw!

“Okay.”

I could have totally made that.

 

 

Iggy + Muppet + socks.

Iggy!  Muppet!

“Mmmph?”

Nnnggggg!

What are you doing with those socks?!

“Ut shocksh?”

The ones in your mouths!  What do you think you’re doing?!

Nnnggg!

“Uffing!”

What do you mean, “nothing”?  You’re shredding them!

Nnnggggg!  Rrrrr!

“Unh uh.”

Yes you are!  Put them down!  You have plenty of toys to play with!

“Huh?”

Oo ot!

Yes you do!  They’re right there!

Ee aayed it dozh!

“Eah, ee aayed it dozh!”

Well, play with them again!  Drop the socks!

Iggy ursht.

“Unh uh, Ugget ursht.”

Both of you together.  Count of three. One, two, THREE.

Rrrrrr!  Nnnngg!

“Ooo heated, Ugget!”

You cheated too, Iggy.

“Unh uh!”

You didn’t drop the socks either.  

“I gignt?”

You gig–ugh.  You didn’t.

Nnnnggggg!

Drop the socks!

Ut shocksh?

Never mind.

Iggy offers guidance to Muppet.

 

I probably could.


“Sure, you could.  But you can’t.”

 

I’m infected, remember?  I have to.


“You’ve been on antibiotics all week.  If you didn’t by now, she’ll figure—sshh, here she is.  Hi Karen!”

 

Hi Iggy!

 

Karen?


Yes, Muppet?

 

This is a nice mat.


I’m glad you like it.

 

It’s soft.


Yes, it is.  It’s really for when you guys track in dirt and mud, but if you want, I can get you one just to lay on.

 

See, Iggy?


“But she didn’t say—“

 

Karen?


“Oh no.”

 

Yes, Muppet?

 

Can I pee on this?  I’d really like to pee on this.  Can I pee on this please?


No.

 

Aawwww!

 

“I told you so!”

 

Did you, Iggy?  Good boy!  Muppet, listen to Iggy.  He knows what he’s talking about.

 

“Yeah!  What did I say, Muppet?”

 

You said it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission.  


What?

 

“That’s right.  What should you have done, Muppet?”

 

I should have just peed.

 

“That’s right.”

 

No!

 

I’ll listen to you next time, Iggy.


I’m getting the crate back out.

 

Awww!

Road tripping.

Do you like car rides, Muppet?
 
I dunno.  I guess.  Sometimes.
 
Sometimes?  Why only sometimes?
 
Well, I mean, they’re okay.  But then — oh, hang on —
 
What?
 
WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING, YOU MORON!

 
Wow–
 
WHAT THE HELL IS SO DAMNED IMPORTANT THAT YOU GOTTA STARE AT YOUR DAMNED PHONE?!
 
Muppet–
 
OR ARE YOU WATCHING DRIVING LESSONS ON YOUTUBE?  DON’T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE STUDIED UP BEFORE YOU GOT IN THE CAR?!
 
Okay–
 
YA SCHMUCK!
 
Muppet, you okay there?
 
Yeah.  Can we go home?
 
Good idea.  Let’s get you home so you can calm down.
 
I’m fine.  I wanna jump on Iggy’s head, then I’m gonna bark for a while.
 
Of course you are.

Yay!

“Why is everyone so excited?”

Well, Iggy, it’s a very nice day.  There are a lot of people who wanted to get married but couldn’t, and now they can.

“That’s it?  They’re excited over a piece of paper?”

Yes, they are.  It’s very important to some people.

“I don’t need paper–”

That’s okay for you —

“I pee outside!”

Iggy.

“Sorry, I had to.”

It would be okay if it were funny.

“To be fair, you could say that about a lot of stuff on this blog.”

True.

“So why couldn’t they get married before?”

Because some people are morons.

“Well, I’m glad the morons lost.”

Me too.

 

Good girl, depending on how you look at it.

“Karen?”

She’s not moving, Iggy.

“I see that, Muppet.  Hey Karen?”

We should look closer.

“Karen!”

Karen!

“Karen!”

Huh!  What!  What?

“Are you napping?”

What?  Yeah, I was, Iggy, yes.

Told you so, Iggy.

What’s going on?  What did you want?

“Nothing.”

Seriously?

I tried to tell Iggy you were sleeping, I really did.

I appreciate that, Muppet.

He wouldn’t listen.

Sounds like him.

I even told him we should jump up on you and take a closer look, just to prove you were asleep.

Really now.  Thanks a lot.

Sure!

“Are you awake now?”

I guess so, Iggy.

“Good.  I have to go outside.  Gotta pee.”

Fine.  Just give me a minute.

“Okay.”

I didn’t want to wake you.  

That’s all right, Muppet.  Iggy needs to pee anyway.

Yeah, but I didn’t wake you when I had to pee or anything.

What?

I didn’t have to go outside.  I let you sleep.

Well, we’re going out now, so–

It’s okay, I don’t have to.

Wait, what?

I’m fine now.  And I didn’t make you wake up!

Oh no.

“Hey, what’s this near the door?”

I’m a good girl!

We need to work on your definition of “good,” Muppet.

Okay!

“Hey Karen?  I know you don’t like me eating this stuff outside, but it’s clean if it’s in the house, right?”

No, Iggy!  Don’t eat that!

“All right, I won’t!”

Thank you.

“I’ll stop in just a minute!”

Dammit.

I’m a very good girl!