“Good morning. I’m Iggy and here is today’s top story. The mini Schnauzer hostage crisis is now in its eleventh day with no sign of a resolution. So far, the captor’s only demands have been ‘sit,’ ‘lie down,’ and ‘stop asking for a poodle’ — none of which will be complied with, due to the stated policy of not negotiating with terrorists.”

I’m not a terrorist, Iggy.

“Some of our sources say the captor denies being a terrorist, most likely believing herself to be a freedom fighter–”

I’m not a freedom fighter either.

“–while others say that she refuses to call herself a freedom fighter, perversely embracing the terrorist moniker.”

Dammit, I’m not a terrorist!

“Little is known about her other than that she has anger issues–”

Ugh. Iggy, I’m not a terrorist or a freedom fighter, and you’re not a hostage. You have to be confined while you recover from your heartworm treatment. It’s for your own good–

“–but it has been confirmed that she says her actions serve some greater good.”

Fine. You can believe what you want.

“We also know that she claims to respect the mini Schnauzer’s beliefs; however, this only adds a layer of hypocrisy to her refusal to release him.”

I’ll be in the kitchen. Let me know when you’re done, and I’ll feed you.

“Once again, today’s top story, the mini Schnauzer hostage crisis enters its eleventh day with no end in sight. I’m Iggy, and that’s the news.”