How do you walk a dog recovering from heartworms? Very carefully.

“I like being out in the exercise yard.”

It’s not an exercise yard, Iggy, it’s the sidewalk in front of the house.

“I’m just worried that I’m gonna run into some gang or other and I’m gonna have to defend my turf, you know?”

There’s no gang, there’s no turf. You’re not in prison. You’re confined while you recover from your heartworm treatment.

“Might have to shank a bitch.”

Seriously, Iggy?

“Hey, how come I’m in solitary?”

What do you mean?

“I never see anyone. There’s never anybody else outside when I am.”

You’re not in solitary. I’m just making sure there’s nobody else outside when I walk you because you go crazy when you see people and other animals. It’s really dangerous for your heart rate to rise while you’re recovering.  Your heart and lungs could–

“I don’t go crazy.”

Yes you do.  You pull at the leash and you shriek.

“No I don’t. I’m perfectly– OH MY GOD LOOK IT’S THE CHIHUAHUA! HAMSTER DOG!”

Oh no no no no Iggy no no no–

“GET OVER HERE YOU LITTLE–”

–no no no no no Iggy no Iggy calm down Iggy who’s a good boy calm down please please–

“STOP GRABBING ME! PUT ME DOWN! I WANNA GET THE CHIHUAHUA!”

–look at me Iggy there’s a good boy ssshhhh calm down good boy please calm down Iggy look at me Iggy–

“I’M LOOKING AT YOU! PUT ME DOWN! I WANNA GET THE CHIHUAHUA!”

What’s his problem?

Get away, dog, Iggy’s sick and can’t–

Oooh lemme see! What’s wrong with him?

“HHHOOORRRKKK… PTOOEY!”

–no Iggy don’t spit at the Chihua–

“IT’S EBOLA!”

Aiieeee! Yipe yipe yipe yipe!

“RUN, YOU GERBIL! BWAHAHAHAHA!”

Iggy please calm down, we’re going back in the house now, okay, calm down please calm down, okay back in the house we go, I’m closing the door, please calm down, I’m gonna put you down now, okay down we go, all four feet on the floor, slowly, okay. You all right?

“What? What’s wrong?”

You went crazy just now!

“No I didn’t. I was perfectly fine.”

That was fine to you?!

“Well, no.”

No! It was–

“It was friggin’ awesome, is what it was.”

Get back in the crate, you.

Advertisements

Return of the Son of Iggy, Ungr– ah, never mind.

“Hey Karen?”

Not now, Iggy.  I have to list 15 blogs for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.

“Can’t.”

Well yeah, it’s difficult to narrow down, but it’s not impossible —  

“No, you can’t ‘cause I wanna go outside.”

You can wait a little while.

“No!”

Excuse me, did you just say no?

“Gotta pee.”

Oh. Okay. Where’s your leash?

“Where you left it.”

You know, other dogs, when they have to go out, go get the leash and bring it to whoever is going to walk them.

Why?

Well, it’s a nice thing to do. Plus it tells the person when the dog needs to be walked.

“I already tell you when I need to be walked.”

Yes. By getting hysterical and scratching everything in sight. I was hoping you could find a way that would do less damage. Just to save me money.

“My way works.”

Other ways work too.

“Sure! Like peeing on the carpet. I mean, I don’t think scratching smells as much, but if you prefer –”

Never mind.  Come on.

“Nice day for it.”

Hurry up, Iggy — I need to get back inside and come up with that list.

“Fine, I’m done.  Wait a minute –”

What?

“Well, hello, little mousedog!”

Yip yip yip yip yip!

 Oh, no, Iggy, don’t start with the neighbor’s dog.

“It’s not a dog — it’s a barking hamster!”  

Yip yip yip yip yip!

Yip yip yip yip yip! 

“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me!”

“What, is there a nest of you freaks in a drainpipe or something? Do I need to put out traps?”

Yip yip yip yip yip!

“Hang on, are you snarling? WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT? Those aren’t teeth!”

Yip yip yip yip yip!

Iggy, come on, we’re going home now. 

“Seriously, my groomer has nastier weapons than those teeth, and the only thing she ends up doing to me is making me smell like flowers!”

COME, Iggy.  Right NOW!

“Fine.  By the way, Karen, we gotta talk about that thing with the groomer and the smells. It’s ‘therapy dog,’ not ‘aromatherapy dog.'”

Oh, do you want to be a therapy dog?

“No. Your issues are your problem.”

It’s not that kind of therapy.

“Don’t care. Can you please do something about that groomer about her smells?”

Hey, I don’t like it either. It’s just a whole new way for you to give me a headache.

“Hey!”

Now go sit quietly while I give people the list of bloggers that I’m nominating for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.

“Fine.”

Hello, readers.  During my walk with Iggy it occurred to me that 15 links is a lot not only for me, but for you.  I’m going to link to blogs that I enjoy and that I hope you enjoy as well, but it’s pretty difficult for you to sit back and enjoy them if you get over a dozen thrown at you all at once.  So instead, I’m going to do five per day over three days, so you have time to check out all of the blogs. 

“Wow!  You can rationalize laziness like no human I’ve ever seen!”

Damned right, Iggy!  Anyway, readers, here are the first five, in no particular order.  Some of them have been nominated in the past, but not by me, so I think it still counts.

The Indecisive Eejit.  Because her blog isn’t so much a blog as a party, and she’s the best party hostess on the Interwebs.

Ben’s Bitter Blog.  Every post is a new way to view things negatively, and he inspired me to be ashamed to have seen Gravity.  

The Mental Mama.  A bit about life, a bit about work, a bit about the ups and downs of relationships, a bit about living with bipolar disorder, and a whole lot of humor.

Days and Months.  I love reading blogs kept by people who live far away, and seeing their countries through their eyes.  Days and Months is by Karen Gosper in New South Wales, who is working on her photography skills, and treating us to the gorgeous results. 

Forgotten NZ.  In the same vein as Days and Months, but she photographs abandoned and forgotten structures in New Zealand.

Five more tomorrow.

“You’re milking this award thing so you don’t have to think of new stuff to post every day, aren’t you?”

Yes, Iggy, I am.  What a smart boy!

See, this is why we don’t compliment Iggy.

“Hey, Karen! Do you read The Indecisive Eejit?”

I do. She’s got a fun perspective on things. And I see she said some very kind things about you today, didn’t she — wait, where are you going?

“Looking for the neighbor’s Chihuahua!”

Uh oh —

20140712-200708.jpg

“Hey Chihuahua! You hear that?! The Indecisive Eejit says I’m witty and funny!”

Yip yip yip yip!

“What’d you say, Chihuahua?”

Yip yip yip yip!

Iggy, what did I tell you about teasing other dogs?

“But he’s not a dog, he’s a Chihuahua! He’s just a pocket-sized piss dispenser!”

Iggy —

“Hey Chihuahua! You know what ‘Chihuahua’ is Spanish for? Chipmunk!”

Iggy, I don’t think that’s what it means —

Yip yip yip yip!

“Aw, look, the chipmunk is trying to bark!”

Yip yip yip yip!

“You know what? That’s really more like a squeak.”

Iggy —

“He’s all squeaky! Hey, neighbor lady, you might wanna oil your chipmunk!

Okay, we’re going inside now.

“Witty and funny!”

20140712-195511.jpg

Thank you very much to The Indecisive Eejit. If you’re here because she sent you —

“HI READER PEOPLE! HI HI HI HI HI!! I’M WITTY AND FUNNY!”

— then welcome, thank you for stopping by —

“WITTY AND FUNNY!!!”

— and sorry about the noise.