And how was your day?

“Hi Karen!”

Well, hello, Iggy!

“Welcome home!”

Thank you! 

“Know what I did today?”

What did you do today? 

“Nothing! Oh, wait, I stuck out my tongue.”

You did? 

“Oh, no, hang on, that’s what I’m doing now. I didn’t do that before. I forgot what I did before.”

That’s okay, Iggy. 

“But yeah, probably nothing much.”

That’s fine, as long as you had a nice day.

“Yeah.  It was nice.”

Good for you!  Who’s a happy Iggy?

“Me!  I’m a happy Iggy!”

Yes you are!  Good boy!  

“And I definitely didn’t chew the coffee table!”

Good Ig– wait, what? 

“I didn’t chew the coffee table.  Um… that was… um… Brian.”

You know it wasn’t me, Iggy.

“LA LA LA LA BRIAN WE CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA!”

Iggy, stop that.  I heard Brian just fine.

“No you didn’t.  Heard who?”

Wonderful.

“Happy Iggy!”

Um… Iggy?

“What?”

Karen?

I know, Brian.  Look, Iggy, it’s nice that you’re sitting on command —

“Yes!  Yes, I am!  What’s the problem now?

Well, it’s just that —

“Hang on.  I’m itchy.”

Yikes.

“Okay.  What’s the problem?  You said sit, I sat.  I’m still sitting.”

Well, yes, Iggy, you certainly are.  We’re happy with what you’re doing–

“Good.”

What?

We’re pleased, Brian.  Iggy, we’re pleased.  It’s just that where you’re sitting is–

“Oh, now you wanna pick where I sit?  You know what?  NO.  I eat where you tell me to.  I sleep where you tell me to.  I pee and poop where you tell me to.  Well, I’ve had enough.  I’m done.  I’m putting my paw down–”

Oh shit, Karen, don’t piss him off.

Brian, he has to learn to — oh.

Okay Iggy, don’t move.

“I’ll move whenever I damn well– ooh, squishy.  HEY!

“Brian’s no fun.  Can’t we just leave him out in the yard?”

No.

“We can put food out for him, and–”

NO. 

“Hmmph.  No fun at all.”

Just be glad I’m not standing on YOUR balls, Iggy.

Brian, don’t mention–

Not that I could if I wanted to, since you’ve been snipped.

“What do you mean ‘snipped’?”

Oh, no.

You know.  Fixed.

“What?”

Oooh Iggy, look at the toy!

“Karen, what’s he talking about?  Snipping my balls?”

Nothing, Iggy.  Hey, I think one of the cats is near your bowl.  Why don’t you go tell her–

“WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BALLS?!”

Yeah, readers, I think we need to go offline.  

“YES, READERS, I THINK WE DAMN WELL DO.”

What’d I say?

Iggy spends quality time with Brian.

Hi, Brian, how was your day?

Tiring. But not too bad, really.

You’ve worked the early shift for how long, two weeks now? How are you adjusting?

Well, it’s a tradeoff. I hate getting up so early, but then I’m home a lot earlier now, which I like, so—

“Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi! Look at me look at me look at me!”

What the—

Yes, we see you, Iggy. Very nice.

“I’m climbing on Brian’s lap!”

Yes, you are.

Yes, he certainly is. Hello, Iggy.

“Hi Brian! Look at me! I’m being friendly! Friendly Iggy!”

Wow, okay. Very friendly.

Well, Iggy was always tired by the time you got home. Not so much now, with you coming home so much earlier.

Yeah, I noticed he’s been—

“Hey Karen! Hey Karen! You know what? You know what? You know what?”

What, Iggy?

“I’m gonna shove my head against his hand and make him pet me!”

That’s nice.

Make me pet him?

“See?”

Okay, yeah, that’s pretty cute.

“Now I’m gonna lick his face! All of it! A whole lot!”

Good boy, Iggy.

Wait, I’m not as nuts about that.

Trust me, Brian, it could be worse. Let him lick your face.

“Oh boy oh boy oh boy!”

Worse? Really? Okay.

“You know what I’m gonna do next? It’s the best thing ever! Guess what it is!”

This should be interesting.

What are you going to do next, Iggy?

“I’m gonna step on his balls!”

No you’re not.

What the hell-

Yep, worse. Told you so.

“Hey Brian! Karen said I could step on your balls!”

What?! When did you–

I didn’t, Brian. Iggy, you know I didn’t. Get off his lap.

“But Brian said I could step on his balls!”

What?! No I didn’t!

No he didn’t. Neither of us said you could. Get down.

What goes on when I’m not here?

This.

“Yep! Pretty much! Now hold still, Brian, ‘cause I’m gonna step on your-”

Down, Iggy!

“Aww, c’mon! It’ll be awesome!”

No, it won’t be awesome!

“I’mma step on his balls! Happy Iggy! Happy Iggy! NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I BEEN AS HAPPY AS I AM AT THIS VERY MOMENT!!!”

Down, Iggy. RIGHT NOW.

“Aaaww!”

What is wrong with this dog?