Oh, Christ.
What’s wrong, Muppet?
Iggy is so NEEDY.
“Hey! I heard that!”
On behalf of Iggy, Muppet, the cats, Brian and myself, may all of your needs be met this New Year.
“I’M NOT NEEDY!”
Category Dogs
Iggy and Muppet Comfort the Afflicted.
Well, hi!
“Hi Karen!”
Karen, are you okay?
Feeling a little better, thanks.
Can you play the chase game with us?
Sorry, Muppet, I can’t chase you guys.
“So you still have back slammers?”
They’re back splatters, Iggy.
Spasms, guys. Back spasms.
“You still have back things?”
Yes, I do.
So you can’t run after us?
No, I’m afraid I’m stuck here for now.
“Can you move at all?”
Not really. It’s sweet of you to cuddle with–
“Yay! I’m chasing the cat!”
I’m gonna tear up the throw pillows!
“Hey Muppet, I bet you can’t jump from the back of the loveseat!”
Can too! Watch me!
Dammit. (Also, ouch.)
An Iggy Christmas.
Did you have a nice Christmas, Iggy?
“I guess.”
Did you get anything you wanted?
“I got a bacon chew treat for a minute.”
For a minute?
“Muppet took it.”
I’m sorry, Iggy.
“That’s okay, I’ll just jump on her later and scare the hell out of her.”
Iggy, I don’t think you —
“Probably around 3 AM.”
Wonderful.
“Gotta rest up — gonna be a busy night.”
Election Day.
You’re a puppet, Iggy.
“Am not! You’re the puppet!”
No, I’m the Muppet!
“Puppet!”
Muppet!
“Puppet!”
Muppet!
“You’re nasty!”
Am not! You’re unfit!
“Well, you’re a girl!”
This is what I get for letting them watch the news all damned year. Go vote anyway, and soon this will all be over.
The Gift.
Iggy and Muppet, I have a surprise for you!
“Can I eat it?”
No, Iggy, you can’t eat it.
I can.
No, Muppet, it’s not food.
Doesn’t matter.
Okay then. Anyway, I’ll give you a hint. It’s something outside.
“A tree?”
We already have trees outside, Iggy.
“But I meant a new tree. Something new to pee on.”
It’s not a tree.
A woodchipper?
What, Muppet?
A woodchipper!
It’s not a woodchipper.
Aw.
Sorry, Muppet.
Can we get a woodchipper?
What? Why do you — never mind. We’re not getting a woodchipper.
Aw. Okay.
Anyway, it’s something outside and it means more fun for you.
“Um…”
What have you always wanted, Iggy?
“A poodle?”
I don’t want a poodle.
“Neither do I, Muppet, but I used to. But wait — it can’t be a poodle, unless you’re keeping her outside?”
What? You can’t keep a poodle outside!
That’s right, Muppet. It’s not nice to–
She’ll just whine that it’s too dirty outside for a princess like her and ‘boo hoo now I won’t smell like perfume and flowers and unicorn puke’ and then I’ll have to snap her neck.
Calm down, Muppet. It’s not a poodle. It’s something that’ll make it easier for you to play behind the house.
“Wait, is it a –“
ZIP LINE!
What? Muppet, it’s not–
YOU’RE PUTTING IN A ZIP LINE!
“We’re getting a zip line? I would have guessed you were finally fencing in the backyard.”
Iggy, we’re not–
ZIP LINE! I’M GOING AIRBORNE!
“I have to say, that’s kind of a weird choice, Karen.”
Iggy, it’s not —
I’M GONNA EAT BIRDS!
You’re not going to eat birds, Muppet.
LIKE HELL I’M NOT!
“You should have ordered a fence.”
I did, Iggy.
“Fat lot of good it’ll do — Muppet’s just gonna zip right over it.”
I didn’t get–
ZIP LINE! Awesome!
Never mind.
Hey, can I watch Fargo again?
No, Muppet.
Hi again.
“Hey Karen?”
Yes, Iggy?
“Can we say hi to the reader people again? It’s been a really long time.”
Oh, wow, you’re right, it has. I guess I haven’t had time lately to — Muppet!
What?
Stop that!
Sorry!
“Karen, why haven’t you had time–”
Muppet!
What?
I thought you were going to stop that!
I wasn’t planning to.
It doesn’t matter what you were planning, I’m telling you to stop!
Okay.
Don’t do it again. Sorry, Iggy, what were you saying?
“How come you don’t have time to say hi to the reader people?”
Well, Iggy, it’s just — oh, hang on. Muppet!
What?
What is that on the floor?
Um… my toy?
And what’s the fluffy white stuff?
Stuffing?
That’s right. What did I tell you about that?
Um… the stuffing stays inside the toy?
Yes. Where is the stuffing now?
Outside?
And why is the stuffing outside the toy?
The squeaker was sad.
What are you talking about?
It was crying. It was trapped in the stuffing. I freed it.
It wasn’t crying, Muppet, it was squeaking. It’s a squeaker. That’s what it does.
Oh. Oops.
You know this, Muppet.
Um… yeah, I do.
“You do!”
Stop that, Iggy.
“Sorry. So how come you don’t have time for the reader people?”
Because I —
Karen? Karen? Karen!
What, Muppet?
Can I have a new toy? This one’s busted.
“New toy? I want a new toy too!”
No new toys, Iggy, you have plenty already. Take one from the pile in the corner, Muppet. Iggy, the reason I don’t have time — Iggy, where’d you go?
“You’re right, Muppet, it’s way more fun when it’s outside the toy!”
Told you so!
Dammit.
A Muppet Christmas.
What did you get for Christmas, Muppet?
I got a Santa! It makes crinkly noises and flops around and I can bite it a lot! I love my Santa!
Oh, wait — Iggy got a Rudolph.
‘Scuse me.
I got a Rudolph!
Holiday cheer.
Muppet, what did you get for Christmas?
I got a pink rope toy and a rope with a tennis ball!
Iggy, what did you get?
“Umm… well, actually, I got a rope with a tennis ball.”
You got one too?
“No, not ‘too,’ Muppet. That’s my toy.”
Oh. Sorry!
“Can I have it back?”
Nope.
“Okay.”
That’s all right, Iggy. I knew she’d do that, so I got you other toys.
I’ll get those too, you know.
“Yeah, Karen, she will.”
You’re right, Iggy. Is there anything else you’d like for Christmas?
“I wouldn’t mind cuddling. Can we cuddle?”
We can do that.
“And maybe Brian can take Muppet out, cause she hasn’t pooped in a while. And then you could sneak me one of the new toys?”
Iggy, that’s a good i–
I heard that!
“Aawww!”
Besides, I don’t need to go out. I pooped on the rug in the front bedroom. I’m good for now.
Dammit, Muppet!
What? Why dammit? Damn what?
Every time I think you’ve learned, you pull this!
It’s raining. I hate pooping in the rain.
It doesn’t matter if you hate it!
I never see YOU poop in the rain. If it’s so great, how come you don’t do it?
NEVER MIND WHERE I POOP! YOU POOP OUTSIDE!
Wow. Calm down.
“They say the holidays can be stressful, Muppet.”
Yeah, Iggy, I’ve heard that too. Must be a human thing.
“I suppose so. Hey, can I have my tennis ball when you’re done with it?”
Nope.
“Okay.”
————-
Merry Christmas from me, Muppet, and of course, Iggy.
“Oh no, not the antler picture!”
Hush, Iggy.
A Profile in Courage.
You know what, Iggy?
“What, Muppet?”
I could make this.
“Make what, Muppet?”
I could totally make this.
“Make what, Muppet? I can’t see!”
Iggy, hold my beer.
“KAREN!”
What, Iggy?
“Muppet thinks she can totally make this but I don’t know what this is ’cause I can’t see it and she told me to hold her beer but I don’t know what beer is and I don’t have thumbs anyway and–”
Muppet, you don’t even have beer.
That’s not the point. Before you do something cool you’re supposed to say ‘hold my beer.’
No, Muppet, that’s before you do something stupid.
Or cool. It could be cool too.
No it can’t. Both of you get inside right now.
Aw!
“Okay.”
I could have totally made that.
Iggy + Muppet + socks.
Iggy! Muppet!
“Mmmph?”
Nnnggggg!
What are you doing with those socks?!
“Ut shocksh?”
The ones in your mouths! What do you think you’re doing?!
Nnnggg!
“Uffing!”
What do you mean, “nothing”? You’re shredding them!
Nnnggggg! Rrrrr!
“Unh uh.”
Yes you are! Put them down! You have plenty of toys to play with!
“Huh?”
Oo ot!
Yes you do! They’re right there!
Ee aayed it dozh!
“Eah, ee aayed it dozh!”
Well, play with them again! Drop the socks!
Iggy ursht.
“Unh uh, Ugget ursht.”
Both of you together. Count of three. One, two, THREE.
Rrrrrr! Nnnngg!
“Ooo heated, Ugget!”
You cheated too, Iggy.
“Unh uh!”
You didn’t drop the socks either.
“I gignt?”
You gig–ugh. You didn’t.
Nnnnggggg!
Drop the socks!
Ut shocksh?
Never mind.
The Iggy Dialogues 